Loss Of An Angel - Catherine Holman

Catherine White Holman

sdholman.com

M-388 Motion criminalizes counseling of suicide.

There was sad news from the last couple of days.... but I am going to leave that for my next posting.

For now I want to get this out as it is important. Not only to me, as it is close to home due to a gf of mine (who is now healing), and as well a very close friend of mine from a few years back who this affected..... and they now watch over us. I have been fighting behind the scenes, sending letters, and talking to the right people I had hoped. There were many people in a circle that worked for this, many that were not only affected directly but in-directly. And to make this short, miles stones have been crossed.

** RT- Direct from mycanada's site to shorten my typing:

MOTION PASSES UNANIMOUSLY TO STOP ONLINE SUICIDE PREDATORS!Last spring, Carleton University student Nadia Kajouji committed suicide by drowning herself in the Ottawa river after an online chat with a man who pretended to be a girl her age. He befriended her and made a "suicide pact" with her that they would commit suicide together. He asked Nadia to hang herself on webcam so that he could watch, and it is believed that he has done this multiple times on internet chat rooms. Harold Albrecht, MP from Kitchener-Conestoga, has introduced a motion (M-388) in the House of Commons calling on the government to ensure that online suicide counseling be considered an offense. On November 18th it passed unanimously in the House of Commons, a clear message to the Justice Minister that this is an issue that Parliament wants addressed in future bills.

Your Life Counts is a suicide prevention strategy that, with government funding, could become a National Suicide Prevention Strategy. Check it out at www.yourlifecounts.organd ask your Member of Parliament to support it.

• Click here to download petition calling for the House of Commons to criminalize online suicide counseling (English).
• Click here to download petition calling for the House of Commons to criminalize online suicide counseling (French).
• Click here to read article about Nadia Kajouji's case.
• Click here to contact the Justice Minister and ask him to introduce a bill ensuring that online suicide counseling is a criminal offense.

RT: Me again:

~So what this means: 

That if anyone online tries to get you to kill yourself, they can be charged under the criminal code of canada now. If they tell you to go "kill yourself",  and mean it - they can be charged. If they even write it, type it, post it in any form or fashion, leave you a message on your machine... they can be charged. If they make a pact with you, leading someone (or yourself to commit suicide), they can be charged. Any form of this is counseling, or premeditated to the act of. 

Personally I find it along the lines of murder. and I do believe that in the courts it will be treated such as, or similar to. When they put this horrific man up for trial, it will be worth watching to see how it flourishes and ends. I think, besides the fact that I have had this so close to my own person circle, this is so sicken (the story above) due to the fact of whom this man is.

I don't wish harm on anyone. But I know karma will kick someone in the ass, and I hope karma will turn his way soon.

That is all I have to say about that for now.

BB All

Walking The Left Road.... or is it.

I am finding how sometimes life puts a fork in the road you are walking on and you have no choice but take the one on the left. It could be because that the road on the right is blocked by a tree or even a washed out road, but then it could be due to the fact that one doesn't like what is seen down that path. Sadly that has happened to me recently, and I had to take that left road. I am quite sure it is all for the better, as I do not want to be treated with such disrespect and non compliance ever again as I have been. I don't need a friend, life, situation, partner, or just plain anything like that. It is one thing to have poor treatment, it is another to do so then turn it around and blame the person to whom you are doing sad treatment to. Sorry, I don't play that game. There are several behaviors that can be labelled with that, but why dwell in that. I have washed my hands of said person, and am now back on my own road. Vonderbar.

I gave a lot of myself out there and feel like I didn't have that much in return. Well I can say not all is true there, I did get some things back. I got a lot of heart ache, I got accused of many things I could never do to someone.... things that were done to me. Things were said back n forth that I thought would never be, so I learned a lesson out of it all. And I learned what I do not want out of life, and never will do again. I gained a couple wonderful friends out of it, and I will never let that break from either of them. No matter what happens.

Now this all just leaves me to try to figure the rest of everything else out. That is not so easy to do, and there is not always signs or signals left out in the open for me to read or go by. All I think I can do is go by brail, and hope for the best. I have some of the most wonderful people around me, many who I wouldn't trade for anything. I gained insight lately, not just those few friends in my life from that recent relationship, and with that strength. It may not seem like that on some days, I may seem meager at some moments, but that is due to other things going on in my life. I have this strength going on in me that will never falter, I know more about myself then I ever did. I know more of what I want not only in life, but what I want out of it. The only problem is where to start, and knowing my health is at the top of the list yes, but for the other half of it....... where.

I was asked a question by a very nice fellow a few days back. And he will probably read this, and I hope he doesn't get insulted by me referencing him in here... please don't. "Have you sworn off men all together?" For what would seem to most people, the joe/jane blow, it would seem so. That does not mean I hate men, by no means. I love dick, and probably always will. And yes, I can get quite a lot out of a strap on or many a dildo. There is nothing measuring up to a woman, and I could go on listing here...... there is not enough room or enough time. As that one F-M stated (or rather liked to label, as he loves his labels), I'm a bi-sexual dyke. Now what that means is for your own interpretation, I think it means I'm just me. Queer and loving it! Fem Leather Dyke who is ruff around the edges, who just loves to get fucked! If there is something wrong with that, arrest me. You better use the good cuffs for that, as I just might try to get out for the fun of it. *wink wink*.

I am still a Dom. No longer that slave from way back, that is lost in the archives. Not that I don't like to get those needles poked through me once in a while... okay more than that. I have grown, and look forward to more growth. There is always room for that, and of course more learning. I am brushing up on everything I have gone through and learned in my long life of perviness, taking every workshop and course I can. Why not. Not only is it worth while for me, it is for anyone I play with. I have been through a lot, learned a lot, done a lot, seen a lot.... omg, that is a lot. Trying to think of something I haven't done..... animals, kids, dead....... short list. Sheesh, I should do a bucket list I think, next post maybe. A bucket list of kink, hmmm I think I am on to something there. OOOOOOOOOooooooo. shhhhhh. What is after that, finish my book. Get my jaw fixed, get my lupus under control, get the rest of my body under control and on the mend, and then go back and re-certify and go back to work. YES!

As for answers..... not sure if there are any that I will have for now. If there are, I don't have any to post for anyone's eyes. Private eyes will find you, and you know whom you are. I have so much to do in the next few months, and more I want to do. I can't wait to see all that is to come, and what else I can put in my book. If I find that road to the right, oh please run along side me. You never know what might happen, party all the way pervs!

And if there is anyone out there that is sore from anything that has happened around me... or better yet because of me..... Oh Muffin. Usually it is because I have been truly sadistic, or you deserved it. It's called Karma; I have had my fare share, you will get yours as well. So think about how you treat people, and pay it forward the good that you get.

I am donating this year again.... I don't have much, but there are people out there that are far worse off than myself. Trust me. I don't complain really, but look around our city.... heck look around our world. Find that lil someone who needs a meal, or a warm coat, or just a friendly smile to help them through their ruff time. You never know what difference you make in their lives, it could be as strong as holding them up off the street or off that bridge.

Next post: Yukon skeeters make it to vancouver!

Almost Year End, What Next.

Already halfway into another month. Wow how times flies, and not always in the way we would want it to. You can’t always get what you want as the song states, but you can wish for it. I would say think positive, and then roll with what you have.

I can sit here in my life thinking back on the last few months and wonder. But I am doing everything in my power of my mind not to, and just to look forward as to what may come. I have had a lot of fun these last couple of months, with many things that have gone on in my life. Including letting a certain girl in, or rather back in, more permanent. I don’t think I would call her a “GF” per say, and I certainly will not call her a sub of mine. Though I will call her a play partner for sure, and I love her in a way that in special between us. She has her things going on in her life that she has to straighten out, and when all is said and done then maybe we can look at what is going on between us.

But for now….. I am loving playing with her, spanking her, caning her, and flogging her…. And of course, filling her full of needles. She is a pervy girl, and I love this about her. Love making her cum, and when during play she looks so pretty when doing so. Nummmmmy! Just a cutie.

I miss my pup. So don ‘t get me wrong in thinking that this wonderful bundle of girl is replacing anything, as she doesn’t. I love my women, and always will. I am queer as anyone knows, and have always been. Tried the whole man thingy, and well it just didn’t go all that well having a man over me. And for the most part the men either didn’t like me having women on the side, or had ulterior motives when I did. So there will never be that again, I know what I love and need in my life. Girls girls girls. But for that last chance I took in male bonding, I miss. Yes I wish I could have that time back, though you can never look back. That would have to be something renewed, if it were ever to be again. But for now, I am doing my thing the way I want. He is doing his thing the way he wants, and has set that clear as well. As long as we can maintain that friendship, I think that can be more important than anything for us. And hopefully nothing will ever come between us again, no matter what the situation. Life certainly is not the same without pup, and there is an empty space there like a hole that I can’t seem to fill. But I am sure that is something that is felt by anyone that loses something that is precious in their life, and are not sure what to do or how to go on after. It is something that you have to learn to live without, and hopefully not only grow from it but go on. Yes, sad, lonely and depressed….. But I will keep going on.

So where does that leave me now……. Looking to the future. Things that I want in my life, and things that I need. I need my health to level off, I need my face fixed, and I need that treatment for my bones and blood. That would be number 1 for me, and the rest will follow. As for life’s relationships, I am letting the cards fall as they may. I am not going out seeking anything, or hoping that there is something out there so let’s go and tail it. I know there will be something in my life, and when it is right it will be there for me. As for now, I want to have fun while I am living my life to the fullest. Go to the Leather parties that made me so happy so m any years ago, as I have gone back to what put that smile on my face when I was younger. Spend time with what keeps me going, and with women that peek me.

Now on the other sides of life……

I have been house sitting in the valley for going on almost a month now. Talk about a nice break really, but weird. I have been able to have birdie here as well, though their cat is rather neurotic for my tastes when it comes to how he reacts to them going away. And now that the weather has even worsened since being out here, it makes traveling back n forth not so great. Even today sucked, as I ended up in a down pour just as I got into Vancouver, and then left in dryness….. But came back to rain for the walk home off transit. Not nice. What makes this even more sweet, there is a dungeon here. Yippeeee! So when able, I have made use of it of course. Only a few more days left to use it, and yes I am in there like a dirty shirt again after a workshop tomorrow night. It’s always nice when you have a dungeon on hand for use when ever you like, then you don’t have to worry about travel back and forth to home from one after a great play. That can take away the nummyness of what was a wonderful feeling going on, and leave you feeling cold and awful. So needle play at workshop, come here after and place more in to make more pretty designs (as if I haven’t put enough in her already last week), then take the “professor” after her ass. Yes! Now that is my idea of a fun night, and I can’t wait to get to tomorrow. Yes, I’m a perv. Please don’t tell the world.

So after this next set of play I am going to have to hit the needle store up and stock up finally. I was trying to get through the old ones, as I can’t handle having them lying around for too long. One never knows what truly is their shelf life, so it is always good to get the rotation through as soon as you can. I do know I have to get in a rather large order, and I think I know where I am going to go due to the size….. I just hope I can go there. If not, I know of another source. My next pin cushion is getting a few hundred put in twice. Once here for a test run, and then on the island for a few others to see. I can’t wait. Now that should be a whole lot of fun, and has been far to long a wait to do that one.

I have made a few parties this year. Though the best are the Mayhem ones so far, and I have enjoyed the smaller ones as well. I am looking forward to the ones coming up. I can’t wait to the end of the year ones, as more people tend ot go out, and I get in a wee bit more socializing in. Say my yearly hellos, and how ya do’s. Not sure how much play I will get in, but at least I can get out. Until then……….

I have to mention that there is someone out there who attended the last Mayhem party that I thought was a solid person. It was her first leather event, and I would have thought them to read the rules. They consider themselves a slave, so the board rules tend to go across generally. No? Well after leaving that party, she thought it upon herself to blog everything that happened there, in full detail. Not impressive if you ask me, or anyone I know. What happens at a party stays at the party, and that includes other peoples play.... unless you have expressed permission to chat about it. And I can say this, there is no permission given on 99% of the play there, except her own play. she was written to about one person's, asked to take it down, and she has yet to do so.... let alone even respond to that email. Disgusting. And people wonder what is wrong with this so called community. There ya have it. Leather people would never do this, not in a million years. Takes a wanna-be bi girl, who doesn't know the lifestyle to go there, and ruin it for the people who actually live it. I am not impressed. What makes it worse, it makes me think twice about going to public parties.... especially if she is going to be there.

Now that is not a good thought for this month.

The steam baths were a good thought. I came out feeling nummy and like a brussels sprout. Perfect.

What's in the air today? Energy abound.

Not sure what is up in the energies.... but wow.

*insert song Purple Rain, due to the fact that Wayne Brady was doing a comedy to it earlier and is not stuck in my head. Though a very fitting song for today, as it is how I feel these last few days.

I am up at a rude hour unable to sleep. There are quite a few things churning through my head, as there usually is.... but far to many for this time for even me. I went to bed thinking of a few thoughts, including of what had put a damper on my mood this afternoon. Still unable to pinpoint what it is, knowing something is wrong with someone out there that I know and probably care about. Grrrr. Of course asking the four directions for direction and hopefully visual on what is happening, no matter what that may be. I am hoping by the time I do get my eyes closed, that this will all come to me.

I had such wonderful thoughts going through my brain after all that. Everything that had gone on throughout the week, people I had talked to, things I had done... things I will be doing. Whats-her-face I'd like to fuck, and so-n-so I am going to see in the next couple days. All good stuff, plus so much more. I even had past memories of that one last big fling I had the last year that I lived in my home town, before I moved to live with the hubby in our new home. And wow, what wonderful thoughts came up with that. Whip cream and coco sprinkles that had snagged me, electrical taped together in a paper bad dropped on my counter at work with purpose. lmao, ya those were the days. And what wonderful pervy sex it was, beautiful music those months were. Tons of fun and laughter, partying with the guys and gals, the band and bands.... sweeeeeeet. And how we have reconnected lately, and how well he is doing with his now second wife and doing absolutely fabulous. And has gone from that sound man geek almost leather, to all leather music motor cycle riding kinky dude. Wicked! Can't wait to spend time just chattin it up with him, and talking about the old days and the peeps in our lives from back then. Wow. Wish I could still sing up a storm like that, haven't filled him in on my jaw as of yet. Not sure how to do that one, kinda bad news bear thingy that I don't want to do. How do you tell your sound man that you can't sing like you used to, not in a band anymore...... can't hear tones.... Grrr. hmmm. That's for another day I guess.

Of course I went to the thought of conversations to be had with other people. Planning them out, as I know they will be good. Explaining certain things, but knowing all is understanding. Hoping that nothing in between is lost there, and that future endeavors are still thought about.

As well about a friend who has a bump on the head. Needing certain foodies, and how to get that to them. I know and understand how they feel, and wish I could be of more help. Love my friends, love the people around me, want to help when I can.... it's that whole pay it forward thing in me.

Then it all went to my appointment today. As of course most of this is in positiveness mode. And how my doc asked about positive things happening in my life lately, and all were so minor that I couldn't come up with a really big one for him. Meh. But I thought of one as I lay there.... I chopped off a foot of hair, which is a big thing for me. But it went rather downward spiraling from there, as there was a negative that went with it. When at my fab hairdresser's, whom I love to bits, there was a notice on how much truly wasn't cut off this time. After all was done, she pointed out on the floor how much really wasn't there even after that whole foot came off. And that hit me like a ton of bricks just this nite, not then - to which I think is a good thing now. The reason for not having as much on the floor, I have lost half of my head of hair these past few years with my health prob. It just goes unnoticed by everyone; not just because it is long and I try to keep it full looking, but because what I do have is rather healthy. And Jackie stated it is probably the healthiest thing on my body, as she knows what all is going on with me. And she is right in some aspects of that, and I am laid out by that. The lady next to me wondered how long it took me to grow my hair as long as it was, and I replied not that long at all..... as unique as I am, it takes almost half the time as the average person to grow my hair out. But I only have half a head, which is killing me inside.

Have the skin patches (granuloma annular), have the foodie problems, heck even be hurting and tired all damn day long..... but shit leave my fricking hair alone!

People have asked me when and if I have been tied up by my hair. Lil rope bondage with the ol hair do, and there was a time I would have jumped up and did my usual "pick me pick me" routine. But now I'm to darn scared to, as I probably will rip more out in the process and can't afford that. Leaves my kink down to only a few things now a days...... lots and lots of needles, tattoos, some rope bondage, sex, kinky sex, really dirty sex, more needles and sharpie things, and maybe a whip or two. And anything else I can think of that won't damage too deep, or take too long to heal and/or make to deep a bruise. What ever I can pass by my dermatologist, and make him happy. lmao. Not gonna take all that to the immunologist, I would probably give him a heart attack with the full list. And of course, what I do love doing, torturing and tantalizing all those bottoms with wonderful things in my toy bag. hehehehehehe.

Sooooooooooooo. When I go back in a couple months, and get that other foot cut off....... do I perm it first, then think about it? Or do I just cut, and maybe go really short and just say Phuk it? Or do I just trim it, and keep yelling and screaming at it cause I can't handle the fact of what it is doing, and what I can't do with it? I can donate it, that I can do. To which is a thought in the back of my over run brain. So if you see me in the new year rather pixie'd out, don't be shocked please..... be happy for whom ever got the hair that THEY needed more than I did. Because there is a wonderful woman out there who has lost all of her hair due to a treatment, and I can handle helping her out because I can't get mine. She is in worse shape than me. At least I still have some roots left. That is what will always keep me going. And my friends who make me smile. .... and maybe that one who can handle sticking a few hundred needles in me for an afternoon or eve. muah!

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Now if I could only stop this sniffling, I could get over this hair thing and maybe get some sleep already. lmao. *shakes head* what a ninny I am. It's only hair.

Perfectly Pervy Precepts For Another Day.... Maybe

I was thinking a few things in the last couple of weeks. Not just what I was wanting, but what I was missing. Of course lately I had been needing certain things in my life, and one being needles. And that I was approaching someone to fulfill that for me. But then I have had something completely change that.

I got to thinking about all the great pervy parties that were about to come up soon. And then I got to think about whom I was going to be playing with, woo hoo. But then I also got to thinking about a few other subjects as well, and that probably should have been left at the back of my head. Really. And then today solidified it all. Honestly what have I been doing lately besides trying to mend a friendship with an ex slave, and hoping that we could just keep something going. As he had put it a while back... casual. Though there was no way I would play with him casually, it would be one way or no way with me. I am not that kind of person to do so, and I am sure he had figured that out. But certain things had come out of their mouth lately that had pissed me off, and it made me say and do things that I am sure mad them mad as well. But their actions have been uncalled for, sadly they don't see it.

Now I am no saint. I have never said I was, and never will profess to be one. I have my faults, and I am actually happy to have some. But when it comes to your own actions, pls recognize them when they are pointed out to you. Don't think that you are just being attacked, and that all the blame is just being posted onto you, it's not. But remember that it does take two to tango, and I just don't mean in sex either.

But in a sad way this has led me to truly think about my role here in this lifestyle. Am I who I really am. I have been walked over lately, and made to jump to for someone who is lower than me. So it has made me think I am not who I am, and I don't feel right. I haven't for weeks now, and I want to turn and run. Of course this doesn't help that I am so severely ill right now, and should be in VGH right now getting over this virus I have. And it doesn't help that I still am not getting over this flare, as it just seems to be getting worse. And to me it seems people are playing off of that, take advantage in a way if they know how to. And nothing else seems to be going in the right direction, including when a brother dies I can't go running right away to deal with things. Not right, not in my books.

So if I don't feel like me... who am I.

I've decided that maybe I shouldn't be nothing. I should just leave this lifestyle all together, and just be. It doesn't seem to be the right place to be in right now, as I have been so hurt in the last few years. These people know I have been hurt, but yet they seem to love hurting me even more. I am wondering if they are getting off on it, hurt her some more and see if she blows this time. Get in with her, make her really want you need you, love beating you, maybe even love you.... and then leave her. Yes, that is the way to do it. Hurt her good, as she is that type of girl ya know. But this girl can only take so much, and I have had my limit. Done done done.

So see ya.

I think I have done it. Or rather you have all done it for me. My chapter is done here, and I could give a shit when I start a new one up. I can thank a few people for this, but why mention names. I am sadly living with one right now, and one decided after grabbing my heart that he didn't want my hand on his throat any more. And of course there were all the ones prior. But why look back further. I am done.

So good luck to you all. I wish you all the best. Hope that you find something out of this all that I didn't, and maybe I will see you somewhere done the road. That is if I mend.

Does this do me any better than I was before? I am not sure, and I will not know until I actually walk down this path I am on. I don't think trying to leave this lifestyle is doing me any justice, as I have tried this experience before. And what I should do is reflect on what I have been doing, the negative ways I have taken up with these people in my life.... and change it. I have let these people drain me, take over what was best in me. And I have to stop it as of now. If I don't, there will be nothing left. I have let too many walk over me, and use me. This is no more, and they can walk their own plank thank you very much.

If these people think that they are going to get the better of me..... look to someone else. I have decided to find the positive place and person I used to be, and go in that direction again. If say that last boy I had in my life wants back, there has to be changed in his life.... not mine any more. I am looking to a new light, and a new way..... and everyone else can find that map. No more are they taking me into that negative space, no more are they walking over me. No more. Now.

For now I heal. For now I am me. For now I do what I need, just to gain what it is is me, and what makes me whole. And to heck with what other may think or perceive. I am walking my path, and that is what counts.

Ta for now.

Pervy precepts for another day.

Taking a Deep Breath.....

Tonight I connected with an old friend. It was his BDay just last week, and haven't talked to him in almost a year it seems. WOW. We used to get together for almost weekly lunches down the hill when I lived in the Burbs, and I always looked forward to those. And of course, there were those few times that we did play. Only a few though, as he had a few extra kinks that I just wasn't into. And ya know, that's okay with me. But he did teach me a couple things about myself, and that I really did love breath play. I was reminded of this as we chatted, and how all these things can come about when chatting with an old player/friend again.

Now breath play can be a hard limit and very loving for anyone. For me for many years it was a complete hard limit, just due to events that happened in my past. There was no way that there were hands going around this neck, no way no how. But of course I did have that last Master of mine take control of me by doing so, and well.... ya He did. There was no saying no there, and He had control. He didn't take my breath as in not letting me breath, He just took me.

But my wonderful friend took my breath during play. Now this wasn't putting hands around my throat, nor a bag over my head either. Just at the right time, when it seemed like I was about to peek..... He wrapped His arms around my chest and hugged really hard. And as I lost the wind, I went away. And when I came back..... I flew. Now that was a flight for the first time I would never forget, not in a million years if I live this life out so. And I hope to take to the next, and so on. And for each time He did this in each play, I couldn't wait. It is as if you are waiting to to go to Dairy Queen, knowing that your going to get the Peanut Buster Bar Parfait (but with peacans instead of peanuts). And your almost peeing your panties in anticipation on the way there, and the traffic is going at a turtles pace. No road rage, just not fast enough for you to get there. Even though that is what makes that parfait all that more delectable. The wait, and the taste afterwards.

Nummy.

My roles in life have changed of course since we last were together. And things have changed in his life as well, as he has found the finer things in life can also be found being at the bottom as well. I admire him for this, as not many Tops go this route. Not only are they not comfortable doing so, they just won't. This is just something that is a rarity, unless they have been there already. Have known it, like and loved it, and want to go there again due to missing it. Most would call this switching, and others in my circles call this confused. I call it as I see it when I come across that person, it is what they are when they are there at that moment in time. Not everyone adheres to a code of conduct in this lifestyle that we live by, many are light when it comes to this. Though I live by an Old Guard Leather living, doesn't mean everyone does.

Yes... I have crossed over to the Dark Side. And to most of the people I know, I can never go back. Darn. It's not to say that I can't have a very good friend with whom I trust explicitly to poke me full of hole with needles, and of course there is always the pain side of tattoos and piercing in itself. I will be a fully bonified Sadomasochist. Never will change, to one side or the other. But I am very Sadistic. I wouldn't be able to come up with the ideas I do if I wasn't, nor would I be able to take what I do either. So I have my own balance, and that is within me. Though I am not under the flogger twice a week as we speak, but I do have my own way of dealing with life.

I have met the most wonderful pain bottom since I was with this wonderful friend of mine that loves to have my hands wrapped around his neck. And what really makes me delighted, is that I love doing this for him. Though it has been a while that I have done this, and I would do almost anything to wrap them around that neck right now. It is almost calming being on the upper side of the hand, to have that control and power over how the story goes. To see where they go, and take them on their journey. And if all goes well, join them on that flight. Of course he is not the only bottom/slave I have played with in this last year, but so far the one that has taken the farthest leap off the edge. All have been hard players, and huge pain sluts. But non other than he has had my hands around their necks, and that I find a privilege.

Some day soon I hope to again. Just when he is peeking to wrap my hands around that now prickly neck, watch as his eyes go wild with arousal and fear. And watch as he goes into flight, and just sores..... Feel that body join in what is happening in his head, and feel the vibrations.... all that I felt only a few years ago. Let him tell a story as he journeys off to another place, and float with him and be there when he comes down. There is nothing like that feeling, and nothing like floating with them.... nothing like joining in on that, and knowing where they are going to.... that happy place that makes one feel so safe and warm. Pure ecstasy. And for some reason, for many, breath play is one of the purest forms to get there.

And I understand why.

Tis The Season To Be Beaten

It is getting closer to that time of year for me. Though for many it is still a couple months a way, and others do celebrate the same as I do. All Hallows Eve is my Day, and I like to spend it as if it were my xmass. Weird yes, but true to form for sure. That day means more to me sometimes that any other day of the year, as for the better part we actually all got together to celebrate something. Not just the blood family, to whom I could only call a few true family members to me. But the people in my life true family members as well. It was also those days that for just a few days out of the year, that everyone around me (including my parents) were smiling and having just plain fun.

Of course I do celebrate Yule. But that is entirely different to what people today consider 'Christmas', and it goes on for days.... not just one flippin day of giving and taking prezzies. Yule to the better part of the world is just being, and being with people you care about. And of course eating, and bringing in food to eat with them. That is if you can afford of course, as not everyone can. And if you can, give a lil gift wrapped in a gold (brown) and/or red package to those who are near and dear to you. And not about getting something from others, and who can outdo whom in the prezzie department. Personally prezzies are done on Hallow's Eve, and then at the end of Yule. So there can generally be a few confused people in my circle of friends on my list of lovies, but I love the look when they get someone from me in January. Makes me smile.

But of course with all this comes some Perfectly Pervy Parties. Dead Sexy is at the end of this month, to which I am looking forward to very much. Maybe I can get those Bday beatings into davyd finally, as I know he so wanted them. I tried to get a party together for him, but all I got was bitch bitch bitch about it. So I gave up on that, even though he talked about having an all out beat on him. There was no chance of having that, as he made no plans on going to anything for this to happen. It made me wonder what was going on through his head, and what he actually wanted. Now I think I should hold off on his bday prezzie as well, as I don't think all of it is appropriate to give to him either. Maybe part of it, but not both. As I hope to still salvage what we have as a friendship, I don't want to drive him away either. Makes one think. But do I really want to beat the living &^%#@#$$%^ out of him right now, and give him that happy feeling he so does deserve for all that he has done for me. Love ya hun. Wonder if he will get to have any play time in while working at the party, he is doing security.... probably not. Grrrr. *sigh*

I've learned a lot since this last couple of months have gone by. I've had a lot of time to think a few things over, and look into the perspective of it all. Why this, why that. Though yes, there was an outside influence to all of this ending crap, but we also let it happen.

I can look at how from the beginning men ran out on my life (my dad left my mom.... or rather my dad couldn't handle the whole family tied down crap, so left for a freer life. kind of a take it or leave it... he left it.), and how that still affects me today. And when I find that a man in my life can't take what is happening around me, and I give him an ultimatum...... Well, if he can't stand the fryer.... And of course I gave the one person that I cared about that choice, who I shouldn't have done that to, and I did wrong in that perspective. But now is finding a way to stop that bad habit if there is a way, and maybe finding a way to stop that bad habit of the other person in this whole story. lol. Ya a long stretch.

I look to the future in different ways. I look at what I want and need, and what is best for me as well. I know that there are certain things that I will never be able to live without, and that there are some things that I can pass by. But for the better part of me, I will always be this pervy person, always be wanting something out of it all...... always be this .... (as he described me) Bisexual Dyke. Yes. Love womyn. Gawd I love them, everything about them. But I can't seen to leave that dick behind, for some stupid lil reason. I could do without the body attached, or rather what has been attached in the past. I guess it would be redundant if there was no body attached in my case, as I just can't keep that one up. I am that type of person that needs another person there.... no matter what is going on. Plain masturbation by one's self get rather lonely and boring after a lil while, and isn't me.

But I am thinking this is a whole other story for another time. ... maybe a pervy one.

In retrospect I have loved and lost a few in my life so far. There are only two that have truly touched my heart, and one is not my ex husband. Though I did love the guy, he just didn't get there. Of course the first person that truly touched my heart can't be here, and that is a travesty. I miss him dearly, and he will always be a part of my heart... never forgotten. As for the second.... Well, all I want to do is beat his ass as hard as I can and then some, drive my knee into him till he can't stop cumming, poke holes in him making pretty designs, cut him up till there is no more space on him left unchecked, wrap my hands around that throat of his while he hits that peak and take his breath away and beyond, make him scream for mercy but beg for more.... and yet have that tender hand of his on my when I need it. But best of all, have a friend in him. And someone to eat sussi... ooops sushi with, and take those nice walks where ever with.... even the mall to pick out the best co-ordinating outfit for the event coming up. It's all about style, not just about the leather. And hit the beach and park with, and toss the frisbee around. And yes, go on a picnic when it's not raining or below 5c.

So you are wondering why I have babbled on about all of this in three different directions now..... Well, I have a ton of things going on in my lil brain at the slowest of times. And when I have a thought promenading through, I have to get something out at least one or two of them. And of course All Hallows Eve is coming up, with parties and handing out candies as well. And what to do with that time. And all those pervy thoughts with the parties to follow soon, and how to spend them. What is a gal to do. Just let it all gather and churn..... or look for perspective........ In the hopes that maybe someone out there has a thought on this all.

Sweet Balls of Fire

Sent: Oct 4, 2009 3:00 PM
Subject: Sweet

After being so down and sad not only losing a brother, but not being able to go up for everything really stung. So today I have a different feeling going on.

I still am sad over it all. But to say the least I am in a blissful mood, and can enjoy what this past weekend and today has brought me in replacement. Not only did I get to watch some fabulous entertainment; I ran into people I hadn't seen in a while, and met many I have always wanted to and admired. Which included the famous Betty Desires, and spending the whole even with this crowned Queen of Bellingham was an honour and so much fun. She does so much down south, including running her own paper, and is the official greeter at ITW, and has done so much more over the years that I could sit here and list for an hour. Truly an amzing person to not only know, but to look up to in the leather community, and the gay/drag community. May hats off to her. I can't wait to spend some more time, and collaberate in the future.

Now for the stepping down Mr n Mrs Gay Vancouver... Congrats. You both had a most wonderful year, and deserve all the accalation that you receved and then some. You were beautiful all week, and shawn last night (and Brent way into this morning, lol). Jackie: you are fabulous! I love how you take a room, and comand all around. And when the water flows, that spakle still stays strong - just like you. Thank you for being you, your beautiful and I'm happy to know you.
Brent: you rock! Even til 5am. You stand tall when it's needed, and return those hugs just like a good friend always does. I'm happy to call you a friend, and look forward to future colaberations (plot, plan, conieve, shhhhh he's behind you). So caring, and still the man when needed. Yes, you are you.
Hugs to you both again. Thank you.

Of course now that we are supposed to be at the hotel right now helping with tear-down of the ball room from last nite. You Brent are visiting a friend briefly, and I wait to walk with you to plot and plan so more. And I'm sure there are a few people swearing at us for not being there right now, but that is what happens. It's for a good reason, and we can be fashionable for a change I think.
Slow down now for the week.

I don't think for now anything can top this week. I'm happy, though sad from other events, I'm happy. I think there was a reason for me not making it north, I will figure it all out soon enough.
Til then....
I will keep this inside. Hold on to what I have, and look forward to a more happy and possitive future.

I posted this today, though I wrote this on Sunday while waiting for the wonderful Brent to return back. so we could proceed to help with tear-down at the ball. Though we were slightly late, all was good. I loved the walk and talk, and that is what counted.

Attempted to but it didn't work: Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Where Does The Time Go For The Near & Dear?

So now my head is exploding......

Not sure if it is because I have been crying way too much. Or maybe because I am trying to hold back the tears, to which I think now is a very bad idea. Migraine, Migraine, Migraine. Face hurts as well. But at least I had a wonderful shoulder to lean on when I heard the news. Thank you.

A brother of mine died a few days back. Sadly due to not answering a couple of texts, thinking they were spam, I didn't get the news till today. Grrrrr. And with him was also a wonderful friend (a "FB" ex) who had a broken neck due to this, and is not doing to great. This all happening out hunting on a boat up north, and my dear friend having a hear attack at 49 at the helm. He lived a hard life, but sheesh.... a bit young in my books for that. The only thought going through a few of our minds, he went in a way he loved. This doesn't comfort the blow that much, and still can't take away how much it hurts. I think more so as there was no hello or good bye in the last few years, and wishing those last rides that were taken weren't so far back.

There were never enough Toy Runs, Partys, or just hanging about the shop. And I remember the day he asked me to polish his bike with a q-tip, and of course my answer to that one. I remember the first time I rode that sporty, yup that was my day..... thanks dude, my bike now. The drinking competition he and a few got me into, stupid mistake on their part... lesson well learned. And that one particular Sail Pass with 'N' as Santa that year, and we had him on his boat. And OMG, the waves and 'N' drunk and riding it like a bull rider. Shit, I'm sure they all thought we were going down at the super port on turn around. But nope, he new that boat all too well. Gonna miss him.

So where does the time go when you have all those great memories out there and you don't get together enough to reminisce. Do we forget to take the time out of our lives to get together with our family and friends, before it's too late. Especially with those that mean so much to us, that are near and dear to our hearts. When was the last time you called up that person you considered to be your besty, and haven't had the time to.... or just maybe haven't made the time to. People that have made impressions in our lives, people that meant so much to us. Like my brother who I stole a t-shirt from, and said I would give it back in 10 years... do a swap for another. Well, we are just over that 10 year mark by about a year or so. And here I sit, with that first t-shirt wondering how do I say hello and goodbye again.

Rest in Peace my brother.

Summerland is your home now

BB

Sunday Brunch - Tri-City - Sept. 27th

Greetings Fellow Kinksters & Munchie's, There is a brunch this coming Sunday Sept. 27th. Usual time of 11:30-am till when ever in the afternoon, and meet up with cassey and Friends (and if I can make it when I'm on-time as some would gaggle about). Hopefully usual spot up top beside the bookshelf, behind the fire. If not just down below. It is the 'monthly' (The last Sunday of EVERY month)Tri City Brunch held at the John B Pub. Excellent food, wonderful people, awsome service, cute too, and just a wonderful day to be. Here is the food information for the Tri City Brunch There is a huge spread of food for pretty munch everyone's tastes out there. Delectibles from here to the caspian sea, and sweets and fruit to compliment. There is several salads, and fresh veggies for the munchies. Pure Nummmyness. It is worth the cost. And you can order from the menue after 12:30 pm. if the buffet is not for you. Tri City Sunday Brunch ! Sunday, Sept. 27th, 2009 11:30am to 1:30pm or so (til late afternoon) John B Pub 1000 Austin Ave. @ Blue Mountain Coquitlam, BC. ! Wwe sit up top on the back side of the fireplace, against the window wall to the right, left if facing out of the bookshelf. Look to Yyour right when walking in, and Yyou should see Uus in the distance. Teddy Bear is almost done for identification. If not, pls ask a server. *Again pls try to inform or email me if Yyou can, as i can have enough seeting for Aall. Please email me here or @ Tri-City_Munch@shaw.ca or TriCityMunch@msn.com Hope to see Yyou there. Have a great week and weekend Kinsters. Kinky Regards BB lil d *PS** Next Brunch is: Sunday Oct. 25th, 2009. *****The Next Tri- City Munch is Wed. Sept. 30th

When did Stella get her groove back?

Wondering what I'm doing some days with this life. Sometimes there are days that I turn and look within myself and wonder what I'm doing, as when a certain someone has said or done a specific thing I start to think. It makes me ponder what all is going on around me, not just what is transpiring from my own self. 

I've learned a wee information about my body that I am sure I didn't want to know but needed to. S of course this makes me ponder what I'm doing. And I'm doing the right thing. Should I be taking someone down my road with me, and is it fare to them. Even though they know the consequences and still choose to be with me, and know exactly what I am going to possibly going through (not counting already what is going on). But then I wonder is it right, and should I make that decision for them instead. Of course due to some rather redundant people's actions a bit back, it has changed my life quite a bit. I am not exactly where I would like to be, and it also has made ways I feel worse. So i leaves a good portion of my kink feelings on the road side, even though I am fighting to stay on course. Being too tired to be me, well that is a travesty. But I shouldn't take others with me on the downward spiral, I don't care if they agree to or not.

And I won't forget the email I received the other day from my brilliant dentist asking me to make an appointment to coming for a cleaning and chk up, to which just makes my face hurt with the thought. Though of course I should go asap to find out if there is any news on a possible surgeon found, even if that is only 20% of the problem.... what I would do to chew through food without wondering if I'm going to lose my jaw that time or not. But of course it still leaves everything else not being dealt with, that being a big problem as well. I'm getting just a wee bit miffed at this system, and a few docs here. Daily pain and the feeling of wanting to toss the cookies out the car window are a great feeling, ok that was not true.

I see so much around going on. Not only do I see many people having a wonderful life and all things great and small just buzzing along as if there wasn't a care in the world, but I also see the suffering that goes on as well when there is nothing but a crumb in from of them to share with 10 people.... and no shelter to think of. 

"Mom's Day" went by yesterday and I didn't even get to go say hello as I usually do. That sucked. Not only was I stuck still trying to fix things in data entry, and get more entry done..... But by the time that all that was taken away from me (think I'm out of a job now due to all the problems of program, and roomie fucking up and me losing all the data, great), it was pouring out and in no weather shape to go to Jeriko Beach to say hello ma. Not sure why it seems this day gets harder ever year, but it does. Every other day seems to get a lil easier (except today as I feel like shit, and I'm missing ma), but Ma's Day gets harder every time. And this year I think is worse not only cause I didn't get to go as I have for 13 years now, but because I am so in not my great state I could really use that hug from her that always made me feel better - no matter what was ahead of me, it made me feel better.

When pup came by yesterday to grab my laptop from me I'm sure I was looking like I was in a sad state of affairs. Though it doesn't resinate with him what was going on with me, just that I was having a bad day. I'm sure he just thought I wasn't feeling well, and wanted to console me on that. Sweet, really, and thankful for it, but just doesn't fill the hole. Anyone who has known me for at least 6 years knows that this day is not great, but I still like to go and spend time with the water, and then go have a toasty. I think it gets harder to explain to new people in my life, or people that might not quite understand. If only it was easy to explain it all, especially they way.

So when did Stella get her groove back? I don't plan on waiting til I get out of this flare, that is for sure. I would like to have at least part of my life back soon, if not now. Not to call myself a puma or anything along that line, but I have a young guy I should be dancing in the streets right now..... but alas he is not even in my bed right now..... Still wondering where he is right now as well. If he has my laptop to do work, then the lil shit should be at home doing it. No? Or at least letting me know of his where a bouts so I am not sitting here going what the frig, and then wondering if I am making the right choices.

Do I have to go to some tropical get away to get my groove back? I would love to, if someone could send me. Pls, no objections here if someone wants to whisk me away....... anyone. I would settle for a spa retreat 50kms away right now, even in the burbs and a massage. lol. Not the exotic kind either, a real one. Must get away I think for a few days, maybe that will help me out. Look for my groove........ doesn't seem to be here, and it isn't in my closet. Not coming out of there again, though I could go back in again, maybe......

Is it too hot, or am I dreaming.....

It's been a while since I posted in here. Not sure why, though I know being busy at times when I do think of posting is for a reason for a part of it. The rest there is no excuse, just plain not there doing it. A few things have happened, and still others going on.

Of course I attended my usual yearly Folk Fest recently. What a blast that was, even though they did add a beer garden to it this year. Not exactly what I call folky for this kind of event, but at least non of that part spilled into my folk space. This year we were short one of our crew as she went the day previous, if we had known... we would have gotten her another ticket for the next day as well. Oh well. But at least this year we didn't have to push K around in a wheelchair, and no one was having a heart attach on the other end of the phone that we had to worry about. So all was good, even though I had to leave an hour early. Still down and folky, still rockin. Can't wait til next year, as I am sure it will be better than the last. It usually is.

I still have my puppy! What a wonder that is, as he is doing very well. It is not like Wwe haven't had our moments, and I have looked at him sideways a couple of times...... but still worth working on. I like the fact that he comes when I need him, and does what he is usually told. he is working hard at keeping his affairs in order, just so he can keep up with me, and that I find is what I am looking for. I enjoy his company, and I enjoy spending time with him, it seems to be a lot of fun.... not always so serious, but just what is needed right now. Even though I may have a ton of work to do, I like to make time for him when I can. It is worth while, I just hope he feels the same as I do.

Of course this past week has put me behind on a few things. I am dearly behind on paperwork and data entry, but I am also missing a program that is also hindering part of that. But my boy needed time as well, and I think sometimes we have to make a lil sacrifice here n there. Now I am back to work doing things, after fartin around with this comp trying to get it online for over 4 hrs today. I won't say my frustration level in that one. Then off to do wine. yeh.......

Life in itself has dealt a few lost words for me. It seems that some people who I thought they were, aren't. They have turned out to be something other than, and not something I care to want to know. Talk about stabbing people in the back, and then twisting the blade while at it. I always wondered what it would be like to know people like that, ones who would turn on someone just for their own gain, well I do now. And they are the ones who should be looking in a mirrow, instead of throwing stones in a pond that they know nothing about or put accusations that are standing. Tis too bad really, specially when I thought they were good people. Oh well. Live n learn, and then move on without them. I hope that all involved learn from this, and maybe head some good advice.

My dad still is not in good shape..... grrr. And still doing tests, and not getting proper results. But going under the knife in sept, at least that part is getting dealt with. Though I am still worried, and it doesn't look good at all. So doing all I can from here, and hoping I can get my papers together so I can deal with everything down there. I feel for him, and I wish I could do more from here. Hugs pa.

It's funny though. considering how many friends I have that are so much like family to me, and then I only have a few family members that I actually still call family. I know I am not the only one out there that is like this, and who has dis-owned a family member or two. But sometimes it still gets to me, wondering why I feel this way and why that other person doesn't care. Hmmmm.

As for all those great people in my life... thank you. Your wonderful, and I would do anything for ya... ya know it. See some of you hopefully at BOP, and a few at the D. Picnic. woo hoo!. And before that one, at the parade. Yeh! Such a life in between all the other stuff that keeps us down, have to find the sunshine and smile in between it all. That is what keeps us going.

Now all I have to do is find that guy that loves to drive needles in me....... where art thou poky man?

What the.....

OK, am I the only one out there having problems with posting from their mobile devices directly to their blog here?????

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. This is not working. Though funny how all my tweets post here right away, and I don't have to worry about those coming up at all in the side bar.

I think I am now blogger mad.

*insert really cute puppy pic here*

So there.

Just a late update

Life has been quite interesting since Mayhem. Very good, and interesting. Though I have been quite tired, and not up to par for the most part. I have enjoyed so much of what I have been up to outside of my regular daily life, and that is about as fun as eating glass some days.

Of course after Mayhem we had the wonderful Diva's Den. Now that was worth every watching moment, and yes a couple of kisses as well. Talk about some great views, and even gorgeous ink on a particular back. Nummy all around. I am not complaining, well maybe that this doesn't happen at least once a month. Of course spending time with some of those great women from Mayhem again made it worth while as well, and it brightened my evening even more. But of course since a certain puppy kept texting me, I made sure that he was at my floor for when I got home. Bad puppy.

Now speaking of puppy........

That lil puppy has been doing quite well. Not only is he trained in Old Guard, which is my way of thinking and growing up, he is very obedient. So my mind is working well with his, and I am having no problems dealing with the lil one. I definitely have to spend some time here chatting about it all, as there is a bit to say about him and all around it. One thing I can say, he has changed how I have been feeling these last several months about this wonderful lifestyle. I think I can move forward in my life, and look at things in a completely different light. I would say that puppy is one worth considering for the future, and I am looking forward to see what it all brings.

My dad has been very ill these last couple of months. Now this is not getting any better, and I am going out of my mind here. It comes down to the docs doing all these tests and not getting anywhere, and him sounding worse every time I talk to him. My step mom (rather ex now) and I have come to the conclusion that it is probably renal failure, with all the kidney problems he has had most of his life.... and stones... yes this is it. And for now all I can do is getting my citizen re-newed asap, and worry about getting down there as soon as possible. Too much paper work to go through, and all that stuff that goes all around it. And of course there isn't a lot I can do from up here, as I have 2 state laws to deal with, and what ever he has in AB. Grrrr. Frustrating. Stressful. When the personal eye rain stops, I think my view will look different. Consulate paper work is not fun, that is all I will say about that now.

Is hot weather today again. And I have to go out into this, and not looking forward to it. Still not feeling all that great after time at Burnaby Gen yesterday, though I think the heat had more to do with the ill feeling then the injections. I am sure that once I get into it all, I will be ok..... then get into a place that is a lil cooler. Yes, it is full summer now. Yeh!

Oh ya....

Happy Cananda Day people.

(slightly belated)

Women Of Mayhem for Me

I had such a great time at Mayhem I didn't want it to end. Not only did I meet some wonderful women from all walks of life and sexes..... I learned more about myself and maybe about the people that are in my life. Yes, I did. This is not a bad thing, but a very good thing. A path I had to walk, and a great and wonderful walk it was. Let's walk it again please.

I have made some great new friendships out Mayhem. I hope I keep these people in my life, as they are some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Those spirits that rose from their bodies just shawn, and there was no end to it. There was no negativity to them, and their generocity flowed from them like a river of gold. They were open to anything you had to talk about, and open about themselves and were willing to talk about anything about themselves. Not many people I know are willing to just open up about themselves and their lives, just say who and what they are about. This is me, and why I am here and how I got here.... and do it honestly.

Energy flowed all weekend long. One could have powered a city on what I could feel from all that energy, and I fed on it like a hungry animal. It is was kept me going that whole time, right through to the last ending dance.... and boy did I dance. Danced my lil heart out and legs off, and felt that the next couple of days. I saw things in workshops that made me cry it was so beautiful, and a few others as well. And things that made us all laugh and rejoice, but most of all made us want more and crave for it all. And the knowledge of it all, everyone had their own knowledge to share with everyone. That is what made it all worth while, everyone shared with everyone. No care in the world on who it was with, it was shared. Love was in the air, friends were made across bridges, and everyone had a hug for the next person..... Energy!

The funny thing about the whole thing was what was missing that whole 4 days. There were over 200 women there, and a good portion were mooning.... but the most wonderful part of it all is the lack of - or rather non to nothing of drama. Yes, No Drama! Talk about a feat, no drama at a all female event. Something you can't even find at a Pan event, or even in this town mixed with just a few people. We all relished in it, and enjoyed for what it was. Just a most uneventful weekend full of energy filled women of all walks of sex identified and Ds identified people. woo hoo I say. Let us do that all over again, and let us do it again soon.

Of course there is Diva's Den here on Sunday.... ummm ok this is in the wee hours of the morning that I am typing this, so in just over 16 hours. And I am going to be seeing a few of those locals that were at that same conference, and I can't wait. Not only am I going for the girlie show, but I get to see some of these wonderful people that I got to see all weekend. People that I hadn't seen for a long time, people that I had met in person for the first time, people that I had just met.... people I can't wait to see again and spend more time with. What a life, what a way to live.... what a way to just be. Now that is what I call life. Being a woman... no matter how you live it.

I have not felt all that great for the last lil while. Yes my health has lacked due to things beyond my control, and waiting for that call to get those platelets that I need so much to help me keep up with my daily living. Operations are somewhere down the line, and finding a cure for "L" is probably never going to happen, but one can only hope. But I can say this.... for someone who has had such a lack of energy for the last lil while.... I found a ton of it for Mayhem. It was there, and I didn't have to search for it. I am so happy that I was actually able to go at the last minute, and they accommodate me so well. I am so happy that I didn't have to sleep through half of it, or not feel under the weather for even a slight of it. I am so happy that I came out the other side without a worry of my health, and have to go running off to get some energy shot at emerg. And I am so happy that I don't have to go to my docs and explain why I am so tired and under the weather for some other stupid thing I may have done to out do myself for one more time, as I think this actually did me some good for a change. Yipeeeee!

Not only did I have great energy from that weekend, and maybe just maybe I got more out of it than I thought I had bargained..... I think I gained a "puppy" as well. Boy is he ever cute and adorable, and obedient as well. And he spoils me rotten, and all he wants to do is make me feel better. No Top/Dom could ask for anything more out of someone like this, no one. he is a service primarily, but he makes a cute lil puppy. And most of all, he makes a wonderful friend and partner... I can see this already. Yes I do want to keep him, and I hope someday this is for this in time. All will tell time in the future, and I can only hope. But he is the one that ultimately makes the decision, and all I can do is hope that I treat him well enough that he wants to stay. "good boy, good boy", "fetch".

Well......... Now I should take this lil body of mine own and get it off to bed. Take birdie with me, and get him some quiet time as well. Birdie seems to like it more when he is in his lil corner in my room, and is quieter in the morning. So we are off to bed here shortly, and get our lil time together... and have our wonderful wake-up together as well. Such a good birdie, and hopefully come along more quickly from here on in. Got to get that new squawky thingy under control, and get him on a better sched.

To a new day, beautiful women, and good lil doggies and birdies.

BB

namaste

What is in a joke......

Funny how some people are really. There are many that can take anything that you throw at them, joking in many ways that everyone gets and can handle.... and throw something right back at you. But then, every now and then, there is a time that same person can't take a simple sentence that is meant as no harm and take it all in the wrong way or throw all sorts of wrongness into it all over the place. Basically escelating everything right out of porportion, and adding to something that really isn't there. Then making everything look bad, and not putting into it what they shold have. Really.... as it was to be in the first place. But what makes this all so bad in the first place......... something was given to in the first place. So making it as that person can give it, but not take it situation.
Now that first given statement I had laughted off quite well. Went along with it, just as a joke and even made fun with it just as it was meant to be in the first place. Even came back with something to go with it, as it was all intended. Being called a Dyke after coming home from an all women's conferences is ok I guess, if it came from one sure..... but not from a straight woman. But it came in a humerous manner in a sense, and I went along with it. So when having the chance to go with a funny thread and throw something in and give a lil back, well I was screamed and sworn at. Even put on a stake like I had done the worst thing in the world, though it was all meant in jest. And all this person had to do was come back at me with something just as, and make it all on me. But hmmmm, I guess that can't go both ways. Too bad really, as it shows how it is to go with someone in my eyes. If you dish it, you better be able to take it. That is my theory. And when it comes to this lifestyle, there is a lot of dishing going on... and we all should be able to make lite of a lot of things...... especially if I get called things by someone who is not gay enough to get near that name. And in some circles, would be hung and tried for a word like that coming out of their mouth if not being one. Funny how that is really, why is that. That goes for ethnic people as well, even people of religion. It goes for this kind of naming all over the world, yet humor can't play a part in it when it is dished out. Gawd forbid you call a cop a pig or rotten baccon, one might get thrown in jail for verbal abuse. Or worse.

Yes, this has been worked out. But it is still sore on me in my own heart, as I never did anything wrong... just worded something the wrong way. And oooops, took something without saying something about it when maybe I should have.
I don't regret one bit spending my weekend with all those beautiful women of all sexual genders and types and choices. Woo hoo for them and myself, I had a most wonderful time. I look forward to the next time, and hope my experience is not only just as but better. *Look for next posting on how great it was*. But I should not be condemed for trying to go along with a threads common topic of choice, nor for trying to make a joke with someone. And maybe some people out there (not the person in question I might say pls) should take a look at themselves and just laugh and fuckin lighten up, as this life is not so friggen serious..... we are a bit to uptight these days. I have learned to, otherwise I would not have taken that name called so lightly.

Maybe I am becoming a Dyke... is that so bad... hell... they are great people... less drama.

Women & The Weekend

I'm catching up with myself.... I think.

I met some wonderful women this past weekend. There is so much I could say about so many of them, but I don't think there is enough room on here to keep going on and on..... But I would love to say that they all made an impression on me, and I will remember everyone of them for a very long time (if not for ever). I love women, always have and always will. It is not just the fact that they are women, as yes I am very much attracted to the female sex. Maybe even more so than the male, even though it seems it takes a man to Dom me..... But women have a softness to them. Their lips, their hips, their thighs and their eyes. Just being drawn to them is like a drug, and watching them just walking can get me going. Caressing the right woman can make me so happy, and when attracted to that one........... wow.
I had the perfectly filled weekend full of Women of all types. It wasn't just the fact that they were women that attracted me to those that I magnetite to, but it was their charisma and inner beauty that stuck out more than anything. Many of them came out of their shells this past weekend, which was just wonderful for many to see - not just to them in their lives. There is a piece of art when one sees someone enjoying them self with our worrying about what is going to be said, or caring who is going to see it. It brings out the real person from the inside, and then you meet the "who" that you are attracted to.... the one that makes that person tick. Some are stronger than others, but some just shine all that more, and some just relax around such a welcoming atmosphere. Now that is what attracts me, plus all those females. Nummy!

Now some people that know me would be wondering what is going on with me. Lil D is into men as well, why is she going to an all women's event. Yes, I love men as well. Men do find something inside of me that sometimes isn't always brought out by a woman, and can only be controlled by the male gender. Not sure why, but that is just how it is. My first sexual experiences were with women, and I still have those branded in my memory. Those experiences brought out something in me, and showed something about me that I don't think I would know now if it did not come into fruition. I wouldn't be who I am without those, and I would be repressed into a closet I am certain. My first experience with a man, well, is not as memorable as I would hope. I hate to say it, I don't recall it like I should. That is how great that was, and I don't ever want that repeated. No, it wasn't pervy in any way. It was rather plain jane, and nothing added to it to make it worth my while really. Nothing against all those guys out there, but sheesh.... really... come on now. At least you all could do is pretend your blind, feel your way around a girl.... that just might work. It is what you feel back that you get your reactions, not just a 'wam, bam, thank you mam' thingy. Gross. No thank you, I don't want that again... never. No more missionary for this girl, no more nilla again.
But what is kinky for one person... can actually be that other person's nilla. Has anyone ever thought of that one. Something to ponder maybe in that next thread, and maybe not bicker over who's dinky is bigger. But then fighting over drama, and who is right, and who can out who, and all that other friggen mess..... well, I am starting to guess that is the norm for the rest of the kink world. Hmmmmmm
Maybe that is why I have so much fun with the queer community. They tend to keep shit to themselves, less drama, and they don't take all that shit to community boards...... they deal with it in private. Of all the 200+ women I was around this past 4 days, I ran into barely anything for drama or bickering. Now that is something for the books. Something I think this area could take a lesson from. Even when a good half of them are "mooning", and some even have a lump on their shoulder. But all is kept away from this public life, why ruin someone else's playground..... keep it to yourself. Etiquette.

Almost Too Tired......

I had such a blast at Mayhem. I am so fucking tired from this last weekend, that I can barely move. Though I think I will blaim that all on the couple of hours of straight dancing on Sunday night, non stop. But I had a bucket full of motivation all over the place, and I am not talking the drinks either.... well not the liquid type. wink

For an all girl weekend there was only two guys there. hahahahahahaha. Both wonderful men, yes. But I was hoping we would have a chance to tie them up and beat them for their appearence at this event (of course at the end of it when it was all over pretty much), don't ya think? hmmmmm. Ok, maybe not.... too cute to beat. Donators as well, can't hurt them.

I am full of energy. I am so tired I will never catch up on my sleep. I am so sore I can't move. I am still on a buzz from whipping someone's ass all weekend. I am high from the energy I absorbed from all over. I have a sore face from the smile that I couldn't wipe off. And I am so fucking happy and filled with warmth from all the great people I met and met-up from days before. I couldn't ask for more..... cept another great weekend like that again.

I missed a few great women that were to be there.... you were greatly missed, and thought of by many. Huggers, we understand why you couldn't make it. Muah!

My pillow calls to me again. I think I will go to it, and rest some more...... Wooo hooooooo! Thank you Mayhem for the most wonderful time I have had in a year. Perfectly Pervy! Now to plan for the next pervy weekend event............................... hmmmmm and how to get there.

Sex Worker Outed, Why Even Sex Workers Don't Report Assaults to the Police....

There is so much chat around many boards about. I am going to say a few things, then post something that is quite disturbing to viewers. ....

No one has the right to out anyone for any reason of any kind. I don't care who the heck you think you are, or what purpose you think this is for.... you have no right to out anyone. There have been many friends of mine that have been outed over the years, and this has done them great harm. They have lost their job due to a particular person going to their employer, or they have family now cutting them off. There are so many ramifications to what a few words can do, even saying what a real name is on a board that you think is only being read by "lifestyler's", can out someone. I certainly would not do this to anyone, as I wouldn't want it done to myself. The old saying..... "do unto others as you want them to do unto you". Now you yourself may be out, but that doesn't account for all of the pervy public out there. So it certainly does not give you the right, even if you are out there, to out any one else.

Karma people!!!!!! It does come back around to you, even if you don't believe in it.

Now, to what I read today......

This is in a newspaper down in the south east. All about someone being outed, but also why sex workers don't report assaults to the police. Even the police don't care, or are part of it. Sad, but true. And again, another bad case of a reporter writing something in a wrong statement of cases. Putting something out there they shouldn't have, outed someone they shouldn't have, and put a story quite literally out of context. Ouch! Not kewl, not right, and that reporter should be out of a job.... including many others. But sadly, this will never happen.

Here is the link. Make up your own minds.

http://www.projo.com/ri/northprovidence/content/providence_robbery_5_05-05-09_V1E8TES_v74.393f668.html

Hopefully you all can go about to happy perving privately. In your lives we all live in our own lil bubbles, but it only takes one person with a pin to pop it. Who that person is, who knows, but how we protect ourselves is another. It is about time we do something about these people that "out" us, don't ya think?

Who the frig does the "B" think she is.......

I find it rather disturbing that a cerrtain someone in this so called vancouver "community" thinks that she has the right to decide what people can post and say in any group. Especially when she herself is a bully to so many others, and goes around hurting people in as many ways as she can. she states about how a good person goes into a group to post negative posts, and is mad about it and wants Him removed from fetlife..... I think this BITCH should go and read some of the posts that she has posted in the past, particularily in the recent. Actually going out of her way to hijack posts to her amusement with another lil "cunt", making so no one looks good no matter what is said there. Harrassing everyone they can that might have even one word against what they say, but even going out of their way just to start a fight.
But even more obserd....... these two lil childish things.... start their own lil thread talking about what they are doing. Does this negate good behavour? Does this not look like they should be booted from fetlife? I would think so. Their own behavour shows who they are and what they are up to.... and that they have no grounds for what they are thinking they can do with the moderators. If the moderators have any brains, they would ignore this Bitch, and boot her out for her activities.... she has been booted before - and she should not have been let back in. she has dragged her same shit from another online place to this one, which was to be a most wonderful place... and turned it into a mudpuddle that no one wants to be a part of any more. sad... And no one wants to be a part of Vancouver either, that should say something right there. Kick that "thing" out of dodge.