Sex and Menstruation (The Moon)

Sex And Menstruation (the Moon)


A couple weeks ago I was listening to one of my favorite radio programs and getting some great thoughts out of it. During the week, for a couple hours each night, a famous rocker hosts a show with 2 other people. And on this program they always have 3 topics that they discuss throughout, and no subject is too risque.

On this particular night N.S. (the rock star) was listing off the night's topics one being sex while on your period. During this chat N.S. states that if a woman is not willing to have sex with him while she is menstruating, he wants nothing to do with her. She is out of there. I like that thought, as it's only a natural thing in life.

So this got me thinking. My life, as well as others, and sex while "mooning." For me it hasn't been such a big deal, nor deal breaker for that matter. It's not a 1st date action for me, goes with anal sex, save it for a 4th date or later. But not a huge problem. To some people they won't even touch the subject, let alone actually do this. I think if you have barriers, fuck in the shower maybe, use a towel.... what's the big deal. It's just a lil blood, which can happen from getting fucked to hard or torn, not much difference. But there are those out there, men and womyn, that get rather grossed out by it.

Personally I have taken care of the grossness of it. As a slave, I was taught and trained to be accessible at all times, including while mooning. So many years ago I discovered this lil thing called a "Latex Free Make-up Pad," and what a wonder it has been. Not only does it replace tampons, it works great for sex as well. Yes folks, you can fuck while this is in the woman, and not worry about the blood.

For me this worked great for many reasons. First off tampons irritated the hell out of me and my phoopher, so with this no dryness nor particles left behind. No chemicals that have treated it, as it hasn't been bleached like a tampon. The thing lasts for hours as it absorbs so much, and after a quick rinse back in it goes (for those womyn out there that think they can't take something out of their pussy and rinse it, get to know your bodies better..... trust me this is nothing, and worth knowing what you feel like inside). You go through less, as you only need a new one at least once a day.... $$ saved. And well, I can get fucked with it in with next to no discomfort for either party. I've been told that "They" barely feel it when they are fucking me, just makes my cunt a lil less deep.

So in the end there really shouldn't be a problem right......? Not only am I accessible at all times without worrying of disposing of a tampon prior to sex, I've found a safer alternative to the tampon. Womyn are at their height of arousal while moonin, take advantage of it.

Have sex while menstruating people!!! It's natural, and just plain wonderful and nummy!!!

Lil D

And life starts a new chapter.........

I have gone through some serious life changes lately... some I care not to repeat, some I am soo happy that it makes me smile. I guess I would be starting a new chapter in my life, and hope this one never ends.



I met a couple of wonderful people in the last while. A woman that I can't wait to get my hands on and all over, and tongue too. she is just so bright and sexy, that I can't stop thinking about her and what all not only I can do to her but what we can do together. Oh yes I am taking her to the dark side, and to may other places she hasn't been before. I certainly hope that this one never ends, no matter where I end up in life.


I have also met someone else that has put thoughts in my head I didn't think were ever going to be there again. Thoughts of letting this person Dom me in all sorts of ways, Mastering me when I need it. I am never going to lose this Mistress in me, that is there now and is there to stay. But the thoughts of having this person not just Top me, but to actually take me and own me... that is something that has my juices running. And so refreshing, yes a wee scared, but refreshing in many ways.


When I was called pet for the first time by them several weeks ago..... it sent feelings through me that made me all warm and fuzzy inside. Yes I want to be their pet, I want to be their lil girl, I want to be what ever they tell this wench to be. And if they so chose to "punnish" me every day for no reason, plssss do. Spank me, make me your toy, tell me all the dirty things you want to do to me, make me do your whim and will, put your hands on me and reasure me of everything and making me feel safe. Take me to those places that I haven't been in so long, and let me know who you are. These are many of the thoughts going on through my head. But yet also letting me have my freedom, as this is who I am now and need to be. What is great about it all is that they embrace me for who I am, and what all I want to do... which includes still being me.... Mistress D.


There is a smile on my face now just thinking about it all. Something that has been hard to have there, and is great to know that just the thought of them makes me smile. Yes think so rather pervy thoughts, but knowing that they are in my life........... that is something to be said.


Now don't get me wrong in thinking that I haven't forgotten all those that are still in my life right now. There will always be something there with us, and I don't plan on tearing myself away from them. Nor will I forget them, and who they are to me as well. But for some moot, but wonderful reason, this new person has got my body wanting so much more right now. And I am very much letting it all in, and loving every minute of it.


To these 2 new wonderful people in my life... thank you ever so much.


BB


Lil D

Very short update

So my hair is growing longer, and the rain hasn't conpletely stopped.... but I am still thinking perfectly pervy thoughts........ Have had some interesting conversations lately. Some cleaner than others, and well down right great no matter who they were with. I will leave out all the new sad stuff, as well since xmass there has been more loss and nothing I truly needed.
Life is lovin throwing me a curve or 6..... now if I could just get my curves under control and call this all kinky. Doing lots of writing, and hope to find not only solice but a wonderful outlook to paths in all this.  And yes, still thinking of telling my sister that I'm queer and lovin it...... though after the loss after xmass, think I will leave that for a lil while longer.


If it's not raining tomorrow... into the garden, whishing I could go in short shorts here.... but not only is it not warm enough yet, but the eyes around here would not approve. lmao... oh could I shock them.

Going to go be me.....

ta for now

Stressed, Not Completely Broken

I think this year is going to eventually come to an end. What a wild ride this past year and a half have been, and sadly a great portion not so wonderful. Though I can say I have met some most wonderful people in this whole process (and re-connected with others ~_~), and I can say I would not trade that part of this whole experience for anything. For me though who is usually a tough-as-nails bitch in most circumstances on the good days, hit my breaking point a couple weeks ago. I have been trudging through from May 5th till now, and I had my share of loss last year which included my bro. And of course for most of those who know me well, know that my mom passed 13 years ago. Suddenly after some interesting conversations with family down south here, and huge disappointments that went with that, the loss of what I consider the rest of me ( Both Dad and Grams) 4 months apart hit me like a 10 ton brick.



Funny how a person deals with grief really…. As everyone is different. I have been going back and forth getting all that needed to be done, well done. And yes, have had my share of cry sessions. Have even discussed with many people about keeping their life in order, no matter what it may look like (as you don’t want to leave a mess behind for anyone). I haven’t gone to many events, especially after gram’s passing. I have had a hard time being my cheery self, let alone project something other than mourning if someone asked how I was doing. It’s been hard; but as many who knew both me and dad, we were one in the same that way that and not wanting to let others know that is may not be all that great. Hence why his was such a surprise, not knowing that he was more ill than he was letting anyone know – including me. So as everyone keeps telling me this, and all sorts of other poo to go with it…. Not like I need to hear anymore….they are also putting me in a position that I don’t want to be in, and of course leaving me up to do everything for both dad and grams. There was to all this wonderful help out there from some of them, including helping getting to these lil towns that I need to get to in order to sign papers/collect belongings/plan a service or honoring. And that doesn’t include having to go into the house in the mountains in Washington that my 2nd cousin on grams side is now NOT taking me to, and dealing with both estates from what seems like another world with 60+ yr olds telling me that I should be getting all this help with everything….. but yet non step up in any form (not even the kids). I won’t go into what I am not getting help with due to not having re-new’d my citizenship prior to their passing, and this includes the VA. Oh but I am still a US citizen, in their eyes…. They are missing some paperwork for what is actually important in this incomparable situation. Not very comforting when it seems what was my life is now gone, and even my sister couldn’t give a breath of help but yet take take take and be so crude. I don’t have a sister in my mind, not that one any way.


So after I got left at my elder cousin’s (rather my grams cousin) again for 2 days beyond the say I agreed to for a second time. I listened to how I am this person in the family now, and how I have to take care of everything. Jessie (grams) was the great person, her namesake before her (her grams), and great great grandma Moet was this great person as well. Now it’s my turn, oh and when is Jessie’s service……. And of course you should have seen the faces when I suggested after the holidays due to the weather, and where her ashes are to be spread. But that doesn’t matter, not in their eyes. God forbid I don’t do this soon, I’m sure I am sinning somewhere in this for holding off. Going through pictures, looking back in time, missing sooooo much. And every dang lil town I go to here has memories, from as far back as I can remember. As well grams and gramps lived in many, and so many family members including dearly departed Uncle Joel. I’m shocked I actually made it back here without losing it, let alone saying my peace in a non ladylike way (no we don’t curse around Irene, you watch what you say around most of them, but especially Irene). I think I will throw the “F” bomb out during grams service, just as I shoot back some whiskey.


Greg finally drops me off here after that second rather stressful weekend…. And I break. My body said “that’s it,” and my brain shut down with the body. I told the lawyer to piss off, told the managers here to leave me alone in the best way I could (born again’s who would love nothing more than me to tear this place down and just walk away, and yes have said that to my face), and turned off the world. For the first time actually let this all soak in, and took time for me to grieve and attempt to bring me back. Came up with an enormous amount of questions, and a few answers to some. Thought about life as it is now, and wondered where do I go now that I have lost what was my whole world to me – dad. And knowing grams was old and heading to Summerland soon was no joy these past couple of years, but losing that strength when I needed it most no matter how limited it may have seemed. Of course after almost daily walks, several movies, and music you start to see signs and/or similarities in things. There are stories told, stories to be heard and seen sometimes just when we need them. Maybe not always that answer we are seeking, but something that gives that hot cocoa on a cold night when there is a chill.


I picked up the phone finally the other day and took the calls I needed to. Cried through every single one, but I did it. Turned on the computer and finally started to answer emails and read life online, realizing I am missing life…. Even just as it happens (though finding out that night or the day after), still that sobbing idiot. Wishing I hadn’t stopped all contact, but arguing with myself on how I needed that solace and still hadn’t gotten it. And yes even told my lawyer to piss off again today, and cried through it. But this whole time thought about how I can remember these two people that meant so much to me, and defined who I am today. Still looking at pictures, as I need to for all of this. When I started this journey I had told a wonderful friend that I was going to start a picture diary of this experience, of course this was before grams had passed. Looking through all of these pictures, some approximately 200 yrs old, it has turned into so much more than that. I am not just taking pictures of what is around me, and this beautiful landscape that makes up Oregon and Washington, but I am seeing so much more. I am seeing my history, or at least some of it, and somehow will find what is in me other than what I have just been living. There is more, something that tells my story, and hopefully will help me get back that happy spirit that I am missing right now. Those answers may not all be down here, they may not be back in BC nor where I was born, who knows where this will lead me. It may lie in my bucket list, or maybe in someone who has those answers I am seeking. I may be stressed out unraveled basket case right now, and who knows when the waters will ease. I am going to fight for what I can, give away whatever the fuck I feel like even if it is the friggen china, do whatever whenever I darn well feel like – even if it doesn’t suite your cantankerous 94 year old mood………and keep trudging on knowing that there are family members and friends of the family that are not doing so wonderful, but not have such a heavy heart about it….. tears and all and not forget those friends who I do consider “my family”, and those wonderful friends again…. At least not when I should grab a shoulder to lean on.



• And yes typing this out helped huge. It makes me look at life from the outside, even through the waterworks.

It Was A Good Day For a Napping..... *Part 1*

*Incert Rainbow Pic Here*
To be placed tomorrow




Nov. 8, 2010






In a way this has been one of the best trips back home this year so far. I haven’t been able to do everything that I wanted, see everyone I truly wanted and/or needed, and certainly not everything I needed to get done. But I can say I have done a lot, seen a lot, and just been a lot. I actually have a calm smile on my face just for that alone, though still going to try to make that smile even bigger. I am completely aware that accomplishing everything is not always plausable, I can still shoot for a shorter star and think possitive. Weeeeee. Lol. Of course I have been busier than bill the squirrel cuttin wood for the winter, and yes tired at times, but all is good.






I was kidnapped last week and taken up to Queen E Park up to the Conservartory. Perfect timing for the sun to come out from behind the rain clouds, shine on us, and gift us with a phenominal double rainbow. Just what the doctor oedered, well and the soul. It was a gorgous afternoon all the way to sunset, and worth dropping life for. I took a ton of pictures, and we all walked around and soaked it in. The view was spectacular. It’s those lil moments that warm you, and let you know that life is so full of a few small gregarious and wonderous moments……. To be shared with those that appreciate the lil moments.


I had got to thinking about some Water Bondage up there…….perfect place for it really when you look at it all and get to thinking. Not too far down the path and hill some most excellent spots for suspension in the trees, I don’t think anyone would notice…. Do you?






I didn’t go to Rascals after all. I ended up on the phone with family down south, and having to deal with those matters and answering questions and anything else you might gather in that, that is drained me by the time I was to be already on my way there. So missed the party I wanted to go to, I am going to have to make up for that one. And I will. I haven’t attended anything here on the party aspect, though I did finally make it to the Tri-City Brunch that I organize here…. Enough to make my month. And the week into that actually made the Fraser Valley/Surrey Munch, and managed to see so many between the two that I was full. That was a blessing, and nice. Dressed in my working “walk of shame” cloths for the Brunch, as it happen to fall on All Hallows Eve…. Oct. 31st. A few others dressed as well, and it made for a great Sunday! No I didn’t get picks, brought the camera, lacked in the brain power to remember to bring it out. Shhhh. Will get picks of outfit for all to see soon, I promise. Ya….






Got to spend so much time with birdie…. Miss that dude. Took him for a walk around the yard the other day, and someone thought I was strange for doing so. But he was asleep by 6:30pm, so there is some good in there somewhere. Such a funny bird, and so full of characture. Omg. I found a couple new tunes that he likes, so I can almost have a full disco night with him dancing and singing away. Quite entertaining when he gets going, and you can get the right mix.


Went for dinner with a friend at a family restaurant last week. Took the laptop of course, as they do have free wifi available. And did the perv thing, as there is nothing like pervin all those things that you have been talking about for the last few weeks, especially when talking about “The Cone”. We had gotten through most of the dinner without having to worry about anyone seeing what we had on the screen, but then we had a huge table placed by us with 3 children with it. Pouted over that, but had great luck up until then. Even the waitress didn’t mind, and we think the manager came over just to see what we were looking at….get his perv on. *grin.* For the better part of it all, people never seem to surprise me. Human nature to be curious, human nature when it comes to sexual subjects in any form.






Wonderful weekend I just had. The better part being Sunday I do believe, and I can’t wait to repeat it again (love those Sundays, there are never enough no more). Spent it brunching with an old friend who means a lot to me, who always puts a permanent smile on my face. Talked about stories from a few years ago, that sometimes actually get talked about others. And of course one in particular that I like to bring up from time to time, as well I do get a good giggle out of it. And who doesn’t deserve a good giggle; it’s not only healing but funny, even at the expense of an authority like figure. *grin*, okay a few, but who is counting. Yes, I can say that. No, I am not an innocent. Yes, I will probably pay for it one day. No, I am not worried. I think those persons involved should really think about how they fell for it, really. Hehehehehe. Yes, I am stopping there.  No, I am not stupid. I may be who I am, and an damn proud of where I have come to. But I still know my place in the chain, and certainly have my respect for those.






Missed a wedding I was supposed to be at staying down south that wee bit longer to try and get certain things done before coming home. They didn’t get done, due to semantics. And now have other hurdles to jump. Will never miss a wedding again, nor turkey day. Still making up for missing turkey day, even eating my goat cheese with cranberries and cinnamon……. NUMMY! That is another story there, with recipe. Drool.


Going to be missing a few more things. If I haven’t missed enough already, between up here and a few events down south being here right now…. I am going to be missing out on a few more when I go back. Hahahahaha. Ce La Vie!



To Be Continued.........

Tomorrow's Walk To Remember

I’ve been home almost a week now…. Just a few hours away. I have rested a ton, played with birdie, seen doc, sung with birdie, gotta go back to doc, fed birdie tons of birdie bribing foodies, got papers together so package is almost ready to go to lawyer, chatted my head with birdie, and then spent a couple hours on phone with family members last night - to which drained me enough to not have the energy to go to a wicked Hollow’s Eve Kink Party at Rascals. Grrrrrrrrr. And sat here and found ever squeal know to parrots everywhere with birdie (he likes loons). Next please. I don’t think I want to be where these family members are putting me, I am not wanting to be that person…. At least not right now.






So while I waited an extra few days for paperwork down south I missed so much. I missed the wedding of the year that I should have been at, their like family to me. Must make that one up some how, not sure yet. Kinda missed turkey day dinner, and no one saved me any…. Now I’m hurt…. But considering they just had the wedding a couple days before, understandable. I still want my turkey while I’m in town, and I will get it. I have a good way of pouting, and it just might work. Either that or I will cry on the train back down south next month, and never eat turkey again. *grin*. Oh, no the paperwork was not worth it. No I didn’t get into what I needed, and now have at ton more work to do. ARG!!!!


This is going to make a most excellent book when I am done. Not sure if to make it like a novel, or a manual. Right now, soap novel sounds good. But the manual is excellent, as it is going to help others one day on what not to do…. And how to get around corners when there seems no way through.






And as I type this… I finally have birdie on the one finger wag…. Of shut up or I’m going to stick you in the corner finger wag. It works, but don’t tell him that.






There is so much to talk about…. So much I haven’t put in here in soooo long, and yet I am not typing away about it all. Not sure why; I think it is more due to not having the energy, and also knowing that once I get started my fone is going to ring yet again with another family member wondering when gram’s service is going to be. When all I want to be doing is out walking, breathing in clean air (ya I know that second part is hard to find here). Or better yet, I think Timmy Ho’s is on the menu this week….. Haven’t been in so long. Miss my Timmys.


Tomorrow’s another day. Always another list to go off of, another fone call to make, argument to have, demand to send off (but likely know that it won’t happen), and another walk to remember. Yes, tomorrow’s walk…. That I am looking forward to.

Here is something that I think made my night... such a cutie she is, such a good girl!!!!
 
Yes!! Got to love it when they listen.... Open  your shirt, and bare it! Now dodn't say a word while I write in sharpie on your chest. *grins*

Yes there is fun at those Salem Munches. shhhhh.

From Oct 13th..... Copy Paste... new posting to follow later today.

Oct 13, 2010

I’ve sometimes looked at things from several different points of view. I am the type of person to have a multi colored mind, always have and always will. I love seeing life with a varied spectrum, as you never know what may come up next. Just around the corner might be something you never thought about, or maybe something you might have thought…….but didn’t think strongly enough to put it into motion. So along comes something that changes your life, and it makes you look at everything around you just slightly in a different spectrum. Maybe even one you never noticed before, a new hue that was never even thought of. So what do you do with that? Well that all depends on the hue I guess, and how much that color affects you. Is it strong enough to attract you like a moth to the flame, or just maybe enough to be that right orca that goes with the flow. Not only will time tell, but so will the tides.

I am now trying to look at all this tribulation that has been going on in my life this past year as a lesson. Though it isn’t just a lesson, I think it is also a path or two that has been offered up as well. Not to even to imagine that I would deviate from my original plans of new degrees, and re-certifying afterwards as well. But just where I may go from there, and what I might do in between. A lot has happened, and that has changed me in ways I didn’t think anything ever would. It has put perspective where I thought I was already solid, and unsteadied some areas and made me think more where I think I knew what was what.






In my travels I have met some absolutely wonderful people (in many years, not just this one.. Which is eye opening by far). I have had some great support from those I already know, and I don’t think I could thank them enough for it. But I have also received support from people who are complete strangers to me, who in all rights didn’t have any vested interest in me or anything I am doing. Well, maybe one, but what can I say about a mortician and his boss. Tons!!!! One who will bring paperwork to me so I don’t have to come down to their office, who will help me pull weeds that are over two years rooted in the garden, who will give me a ride when I am stuck and he is available…. And his boss who offers his service up as well, or anything that they at all can do for me. Yes, they took care of dad. Yes, The owner’s dad used to be the original owner of my grams home………6 degrees of separation or less. Then grams bought it from him when gramps passed, and here I am today…… wow.






I am also thinking about this wonderful woman I have met as well. She makes me smile just thinking about her, and having date night with her can even mean missing out on the movie we want to see….but let’s go to a couple pubs, then hit the local biker bar (the only one left in town) to which isn’t much of a biker bar any more…… ummm, I was the biker in the bar, and that was sad. New owner, and after hearing what she wanted to do with it…. Ya, I don’t think I will be running back to break the rule of “No patches, no exceptions.” But to go see the tar benders again, ya sure. But I digress.


I have had an absolutely divine time playing with this woman. Not only is she gun to beat, play with, tickle, spank, whip clips off her tits and such…. But also make cum. Yup, and that I loved. I can’t wait to spend time with her, or even just chat with her on the phone. Going to truly miss her and others back there while I’m back home, kind of different really. We‘ve set out our own paths, and what we want and don‘t want; not sure what the future brings, and where we may end up… but for now we are enjoying each other’s company. That is good enough for me right now, and of course if I can beat her till she is all sorts of pretty colors…. Yes! She makes wonderful noises, and excellent reactions, and I love the energy I feel from her….. Yup. I am happy to call her a friend, and that is what I want to keep around and never change.






So I get back into Vancouver after a particularly long train ride. Alright, maybe not so much long as it was annoying for the first half of it. Don’t get me wrong I love kids, but please quit feeding your not quite 2 yr old sugar when they are screaming and crying. Especially after you took someone else’s seat, two peoples actually. And was very rude about it as well. Not a happy relaxing ride as per usual, but the last bit was wonderful. Got in a bit of reading, and just listened to some great blues. Chatted with this wonderful lady, whom I will fill that sad story in on another time…. And ya,…. It was the train, as I usually like it. I had stayed up all night the night before due to my poor sleep schedule, and had to be someone way too early in the morning prior to the trip. Did my morning, got on the train… and railed on home…..


Then got to finally see birdie, who I have dearly missed. Poor lil guy, how I have missed our chats. Yup as I thought, he missed me huge for about 5 min, hated me for a couple days, then all was peachy again after that. Bribe him again, and he loves me. That’s birdie, such a kewl dude. I will get him dancing on film this time, you can count on that one. Hehehehehe.






Well…… I should hit the sack soon. Probably post this in the am. A lil too tired now to pull everything up now, make sure it all lines up… maybe check spelling.. Maybe not, just to be a rebel. Add a pic of my trip up, and presco!!!!






Oh….. Hallows Eve….. I am actually some where for that I think, and not a friggen clue what to wear. Any ideas?????






Me

I’m sitting here on the train in business class wondering about many a thing. I’m also reflecting on life, and not just all its wonders but everything in between as well. Life is never easy, if it were we would never have anything to work for or strive for in life. I think of those who were born with the silver spoon in their mouths; those that didn’t do anything in their lives and how they turned out, and then those who have worked for what they have and the wonderful people they have become. I was not one of those people born with a silver spoon in my mouth, though I have stuck and pierced quite a bit in me , or have had someone else do so of many different types of metals. I worked for everything I have or had, though I don’t own a mansion on a hill (not that the thought of that hasn’t crossed my mind as something to strive for in life). But for what I do have, I can say that I worked for it all and earned it. No one handed me anything in life; and I’ve even crawled on my knees for a few and well other actions as well.

Pristine sea water has its own beauty. On the surface you see crisp cold water, with maybe a water or mammal cresting to break the layers. Underneath there is a whole other world that we don’t even know or see for the most part. It’s sheltered, and hidden away from most of our lives and eyes. If you want to know and see what may be there, you have to go swimming for it. Yes that would mean getting your feet wet, and plunging into that cold crisp water. Doing something different, maybe something you’ve never done before. I can look at this as something quite similar to the BDSm lifestyles, as there is much a mirrored life here. You know there is there is something there, you cave it, want it, and need to know what it is…. Kind of like that kid who has to get to the middle of a Gob Stopper faster than his mates, but can’t quite do it fast enough. Why? It’s a time honered tradition of sorts, learning how to do things the right way to get to the middle and know how to get where you want to go. If you want to know what is going on somewhere in this BDSm world, you have to get your feet wet. Yes ask questions, yes read up everywhere you c an, but get it from reliable sources, and yes lick lick lick your way to the end.


It’s not always so pleasurable where we go and how we get there. There are going to be times that we may not life what we are doing, or what is being done to us. Depending on which side of the fence we are on, there may be options for you. And for the lucky few, you might actually have some say in your day to day activities and livings. How do you react to something you don’t like, especially if it wasn’t on your “No” list? Do you react right away, or do you wait till after that moment is over then discuss it. Would you do this all the time, or just some of the time. Would this be a voicing you do in regular life as well, or just in your BDSm world? Can you separate the two, or does one make the other with you to be a whole? There are so many questions on this, and so many different directions one can go with this. In some way there are a few that mirror our lives, or balance it. Then there are some that are a whole all the time, or the select that actually only come out from hiding (the closet) every once and a while to enjoy their kink.


As I sit here thinking about what I missed back home due to time constraints and people’s works it makes me wonder. All the people I have had in my life for all these years, those that I am still willing to let abuse me in a good way list is so small, and how I either keep missing them or we are too busy to meet up. I do miss the connection I have with a Dom or two from my past playing, and yes they would love to play again, we just need to get our timings rights. But I think of where I am now today, the different person I am as well. Quite different than even 5 years ago, now grown and fitting into a better shoe. Taking that confidence of mine and putting it to use, and using what knowledge I do have, and definitely putting it to very good use. Taking my cravings, and focusing elsewhere. Though still craving one or two things, yes Needles will always be a part of me, as will connections with those I hold dear. But I also crave to feel what I get from those bottoms I do devious things to, watch them squirm and wreath under me and for me, and feel what flows from them. I have more than just cravings, as do most people. I just know and understand mine, and wish and pray for those who don’t know or understand theirs hoping that one day they will figure it out.


So as I’m writing this and thinking what water am I going to take that step into to get what I want now……. Well, a few. I have many events that keep growing that I have to not only get through, but in a way get over. This is different for me, as I have always had someone there for me helping me along the way, holding my hand during times like these. Always known as the strong one, or the one that people could always lean against when needed. Not now, just a few scattered family members. Having a hard time standing on my own two feet during these last 5 months, not even thinking of having to hold anyone else up. And then I’m going to step into the deeper water and just go for life I do believe, while doing that think. Think about possibilities, and where life will take me and what I can do. Which path is the best, not necessarily the easiest, but the better. Through all this remain true to my BDSm self, and never stray far from this part of my life ever again. I realize that I will eventually have to include some members of my family, though now my parents are out of the picture; some will be easier than others. That will be the water I tread in very lightly, and not step through so fast. And I will keep learning, as everyone should. Life, Love, Kink, all of it. I see these people sitting on this train and I wonder how many actually live out their lives, their fantasies, live. From the group around me, I’m gathering not many. But never judge a book by its cover, as you never know what is under neither the top layer.

Life or Something Like It...... Part 2

I was having a bad week last week that I couldn't explain until it hit me. I wasn't sleeping, nor could I eat.... and there was no rhyme or reason for it. Anything I'm going through right now is not that great, but I am not letting it get to me to that degree. But then as I was laying there at 4 am, and this song came on.... it hit me like a ton of bricks. It has been 9 years since this world lost MJ, and he was no longer there in physical form for me to be with. Ya........Even when the mind tries to forget, the soul never does. That is all that I could muster up.


What I can learn from all this..... including MJ and the last couple of years of loss, is a quote I heard a while back. Someone had lost their dad, and were very lost in their own grief and not sure how to deal with it. They stated to someone "I've never known a world without my dad, how do I learn to live without him in it?" The other person saying point blank into their eyes, "You never do." This is never a truer thought, especially for those who have lost someone in their life that meant so much to them. I feel that way about my own dad, and feel rather empty without him around now. I felt that way when MJ died, and wasn't sure where to go from there either. But went on eventually, maybe not the same me, but I ventured on. These past couple years leading up to dad has been hard, and I am attempting to learn to live with the loss of some very dear people to me. I know I never will fully learn, but I can learn to keep walking. As for dad...... I am not sure how I will go from here, as right now I still don't know any answers to that one. I feel much like that person in that quote, and rather lost.


As today rolled on and I was in chore mode and surfing the web at the same time..... I came across some one's facebook pages that had some wonderful advice on it. This person being a wonderful loving spouse of a lost loved one from last year, who touched so many hearts.... not just mine. On this page was advise on how to be around and treat people who are grieving, and not to let them just be. This excerpt coming from a wonderful author's book, that should be passed on to everyone on this planet. Not only precise, honest, but correct words of thought. But also words to live by and ponder from time to time, just in our every day living. One never knows what is going on in different people's lives, as do you really know what goes on behind the scenes when you are not in contact at all times?
It's very true how people can put up a great front. I can do this very well, and have many a time. Just as I can show I am doing wonderful, when in actual fact my face is killing me and I might actually have a migraine at that particular moment that I can't seem to get rid of...... or foodie problems cause I can't quite process something due to the kidneys not working right. I see this in many people I know, as I try to make it a habit to find out about those I am close to. I want to know if they are truly okay, as some times I can tell they are lying when they say that everything is just fine. By the way... How is that back ache today? Is it getting any better? Or have you found a therapy that works yet? If not..... message me, I might know of something that might help..... and you know who you are if you are reading this.


I've taken to many ways of dealing with stresses, pains and grievances in my many years of living. Though for many it was on the other end of a whip or flogger, and even through a needle or two. I found that getting in those extra endorphins always helped me, and I know there are many others out there who do the same as I do or did. It's not just for athletes any more mom, everyone is doing it now. We all have our own way of dealing with different obstacles in life, be it pain or grieving. Mine tend to lead more towards the Sadomastic side of life, and meditation and Tai Chi for the other half of me. I find balance in everything I do, and almost every where I go. If I don't have balance, I am lost. And that can be noticeable, and people watch out. lol. Right now since I am dealing with so much on the upper half of me, and talking care of so many details..... I could really go for some needle play about now. And I am not talking about just a few stuck in me, something that will make me fly out and beyond......... and have my energy just glowing type of needle play. *sigh* Soon some day, I am sure.... and hope and prey... oooops. Sorry, pray.


So as I sit here staring out at the maple tree in the yard... and the grove beyond it..... I ponder what life has in store. Not just for me, but for those I hold dear. I hope that those who have had loss in their life that has hurt them so bad it's made them stop in their tracks as well...... well, that they can learn to walk again as I am going to try to do as well. No there is no learning to live without, there is just living. I hope that those who are out there pick up that phone, or Internet mail, get ahold of someone they haven't in a while for what ever reason, and just say "let's go for that coffee, I'm buying and I don't care if you have rollers in your hair.... I haven't showered." And I truly hope that no matter what happens in this big world of ours, that we know we are not alone. If it isn't our neighbor, our friend down the road, long lost schooled buddy, it's someone in a country we can't even pronounce. Just know that we are not alone in what we do, or how we live.... everyone some where.... has gone through something just as similar... if not exactly the same. It's called life.