Good bye 2009...... and all that loss.

It is only part way through the first month of this year 2010. So much happened last year, and certainly not all that great. Yes there were positives and greatness, including the wonderful people that were in my life. But as with that does come sadness, and yes it rained. Not just for me though, all too many that I know had a hard year as well. I am hoping and praying that this new years brings not only happiness and warmth, but love and so much more to make us happy and healthy.

I miss my brother. I am not in a good place with that, and not sure how to deal with it. Shitty accident, and all too soon for him to leave this place. It has only been a few months, but it still like it just happened. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way, and I know how hard it has been on so many to deal with. Family, friends, and riders alike.... so many I know have a heavy heart. I am thinking for me right now what makes it so much worse than it should be is the fact I couldn't make it up for his memorial, and I should have been there..... It was important that I was. I can't turn back time, and I don't think I would want to. But I can certainly say that I wish this was not so, and that I had gone for a visit sooner. :(
Out of the light of that someone did survive. My very good friend, for whom I will always have a special place in my heart for, did come out of this. Bent, broken, and very bruised... but he did. It takes a will to live to go through what he had, and more soul to keep going on. The gods saved him for a reason, and I am truly thankful for this. I know his daughter needed him, and so did his partner. This is a shining light on what was a grey cloud.

We have lost many other great and wonderful close friends and loved ones since then.... and before. Some closer than others, some I wish I had given them the thanks for all that they did for me... for the drive that they had influence on.
Catherine.... I thank you for you being you. You were a true loving person, with a heart and soul of gold. You made everyone feel like someone, and that smile radiated for miles. I loved working with you on events, and the small talks we had. I will miss those moments, though not forgotten. I know you watch over your loved ones, and are protecting them from all that you can. You were an angel here, and are one wonderful one now. Missing you.
That loving ex of mine...... well one of them, though this one no longer here with us. Shortly before Catherine, you left this plane. I will never forget all that we had together, all that was and might have been, and that bond that we had. Never are forgotten the great wonderful times spent just being together, spending time outside of everyone else around us. Never forgotten are those loving moments that were shared only between us, never forgotten the soft words that you spoke to me last. You were one of many that made an impact in my life, though of few men I allowed into my soul. Thank you  for understanding where I needed to be, and whom with. Thank you for knowing me.
I lost a few other friends that were close to me in my life.... and I had a few close friends lose loved ones out of theirs. Non of these are out of mind, non have been pushed aside, and always a large loving hug to those in need and more. That was 2009, and a hard year to process. This last year will not overshadow my true love gone 8 years now, and I still have a hard heart. But I am moving on in life, and had started to let love back in this past year. Thank you for the strength that you gave me, and the tenderness of not only your gaze on me but your touch.

Now I have many a love still here with this world. No I am no longer with them, but it does not lesson the feelings that I had or have for them. There was so much brought to me and put in my life in the way of caring and love in 2009, I didn't expect what became of the start of it..... and saddened by the end. When there is such loss, it makes it difficult to look what can become somewhere else. This not being the first loss for me, in any form, it never get easy no matter of the situation. I still care, and never will cease.

I didn't have too many projects on the go till now. The end of the year, with many an influence, brought on so much more in my life as to where I can go and what I can do. I look forward to what is ahead, as there is so much bright and light there.  So much can be done, and much will. But more others will benefit than I, unless you count what less of weight I will carry upon my head in a couple of months. :) It's thoughts like this that make me smile, and always drive to continue on. I love my life, I love living it, and I look forward to what is around the corner for me in 2010. It may not all be peaches and cream, but it is my life to live.

Welcome new year.... welcome. I am thankful for so much in my life, I wake every day thinking on this. I am thankful for all those who came into my life this past year, those who re-appeared, and yes even those losses. It was a life lesson to live, no matter. I am thankful for all this life gives me, as I have something to look to everyday......

Loss Of An Angel - Catherine Holman

Catherine White Holman

sdholman.com

M-388 Motion criminalizes counseling of suicide.

There was sad news from the last couple of days.... but I am going to leave that for my next posting.

For now I want to get this out as it is important. Not only to me, as it is close to home due to a gf of mine (who is now healing), and as well a very close friend of mine from a few years back who this affected..... and they now watch over us. I have been fighting behind the scenes, sending letters, and talking to the right people I had hoped. There were many people in a circle that worked for this, many that were not only affected directly but in-directly. And to make this short, miles stones have been crossed.

** RT- Direct from mycanada's site to shorten my typing:

MOTION PASSES UNANIMOUSLY TO STOP ONLINE SUICIDE PREDATORS!Last spring, Carleton University student Nadia Kajouji committed suicide by drowning herself in the Ottawa river after an online chat with a man who pretended to be a girl her age. He befriended her and made a "suicide pact" with her that they would commit suicide together. He asked Nadia to hang herself on webcam so that he could watch, and it is believed that he has done this multiple times on internet chat rooms. Harold Albrecht, MP from Kitchener-Conestoga, has introduced a motion (M-388) in the House of Commons calling on the government to ensure that online suicide counseling be considered an offense. On November 18th it passed unanimously in the House of Commons, a clear message to the Justice Minister that this is an issue that Parliament wants addressed in future bills.

Your Life Counts is a suicide prevention strategy that, with government funding, could become a National Suicide Prevention Strategy. Check it out at www.yourlifecounts.organd ask your Member of Parliament to support it.

• Click here to download petition calling for the House of Commons to criminalize online suicide counseling (English).
• Click here to download petition calling for the House of Commons to criminalize online suicide counseling (French).
• Click here to read article about Nadia Kajouji's case.
• Click here to contact the Justice Minister and ask him to introduce a bill ensuring that online suicide counseling is a criminal offense.

RT: Me again:

~So what this means: 

That if anyone online tries to get you to kill yourself, they can be charged under the criminal code of canada now. If they tell you to go "kill yourself",  and mean it - they can be charged. If they even write it, type it, post it in any form or fashion, leave you a message on your machine... they can be charged. If they make a pact with you, leading someone (or yourself to commit suicide), they can be charged. Any form of this is counseling, or premeditated to the act of. 

Personally I find it along the lines of murder. and I do believe that in the courts it will be treated such as, or similar to. When they put this horrific man up for trial, it will be worth watching to see how it flourishes and ends. I think, besides the fact that I have had this so close to my own person circle, this is so sicken (the story above) due to the fact of whom this man is.

I don't wish harm on anyone. But I know karma will kick someone in the ass, and I hope karma will turn his way soon.

That is all I have to say about that for now.

BB All

Walking The Left Road.... or is it.

I am finding how sometimes life puts a fork in the road you are walking on and you have no choice but take the one on the left. It could be because that the road on the right is blocked by a tree or even a washed out road, but then it could be due to the fact that one doesn't like what is seen down that path. Sadly that has happened to me recently, and I had to take that left road. I am quite sure it is all for the better, as I do not want to be treated with such disrespect and non compliance ever again as I have been. I don't need a friend, life, situation, partner, or just plain anything like that. It is one thing to have poor treatment, it is another to do so then turn it around and blame the person to whom you are doing sad treatment to. Sorry, I don't play that game. There are several behaviors that can be labelled with that, but why dwell in that. I have washed my hands of said person, and am now back on my own road. Vonderbar.

I gave a lot of myself out there and feel like I didn't have that much in return. Well I can say not all is true there, I did get some things back. I got a lot of heart ache, I got accused of many things I could never do to someone.... things that were done to me. Things were said back n forth that I thought would never be, so I learned a lesson out of it all. And I learned what I do not want out of life, and never will do again. I gained a couple wonderful friends out of it, and I will never let that break from either of them. No matter what happens.

Now this all just leaves me to try to figure the rest of everything else out. That is not so easy to do, and there is not always signs or signals left out in the open for me to read or go by. All I think I can do is go by brail, and hope for the best. I have some of the most wonderful people around me, many who I wouldn't trade for anything. I gained insight lately, not just those few friends in my life from that recent relationship, and with that strength. It may not seem like that on some days, I may seem meager at some moments, but that is due to other things going on in my life. I have this strength going on in me that will never falter, I know more about myself then I ever did. I know more of what I want not only in life, but what I want out of it. The only problem is where to start, and knowing my health is at the top of the list yes, but for the other half of it....... where.

I was asked a question by a very nice fellow a few days back. And he will probably read this, and I hope he doesn't get insulted by me referencing him in here... please don't. "Have you sworn off men all together?" For what would seem to most people, the joe/jane blow, it would seem so. That does not mean I hate men, by no means. I love dick, and probably always will. And yes, I can get quite a lot out of a strap on or many a dildo. There is nothing measuring up to a woman, and I could go on listing here...... there is not enough room or enough time. As that one F-M stated (or rather liked to label, as he loves his labels), I'm a bi-sexual dyke. Now what that means is for your own interpretation, I think it means I'm just me. Queer and loving it! Fem Leather Dyke who is ruff around the edges, who just loves to get fucked! If there is something wrong with that, arrest me. You better use the good cuffs for that, as I just might try to get out for the fun of it. *wink wink*.

I am still a Dom. No longer that slave from way back, that is lost in the archives. Not that I don't like to get those needles poked through me once in a while... okay more than that. I have grown, and look forward to more growth. There is always room for that, and of course more learning. I am brushing up on everything I have gone through and learned in my long life of perviness, taking every workshop and course I can. Why not. Not only is it worth while for me, it is for anyone I play with. I have been through a lot, learned a lot, done a lot, seen a lot.... omg, that is a lot. Trying to think of something I haven't done..... animals, kids, dead....... short list. Sheesh, I should do a bucket list I think, next post maybe. A bucket list of kink, hmmm I think I am on to something there. OOOOOOOOOooooooo. shhhhhh. What is after that, finish my book. Get my jaw fixed, get my lupus under control, get the rest of my body under control and on the mend, and then go back and re-certify and go back to work. YES!

As for answers..... not sure if there are any that I will have for now. If there are, I don't have any to post for anyone's eyes. Private eyes will find you, and you know whom you are. I have so much to do in the next few months, and more I want to do. I can't wait to see all that is to come, and what else I can put in my book. If I find that road to the right, oh please run along side me. You never know what might happen, party all the way pervs!

And if there is anyone out there that is sore from anything that has happened around me... or better yet because of me..... Oh Muffin. Usually it is because I have been truly sadistic, or you deserved it. It's called Karma; I have had my fare share, you will get yours as well. So think about how you treat people, and pay it forward the good that you get.

I am donating this year again.... I don't have much, but there are people out there that are far worse off than myself. Trust me. I don't complain really, but look around our city.... heck look around our world. Find that lil someone who needs a meal, or a warm coat, or just a friendly smile to help them through their ruff time. You never know what difference you make in their lives, it could be as strong as holding them up off the street or off that bridge.

Next post: Yukon skeeters make it to vancouver!

Almost Year End, What Next.

Already halfway into another month. Wow how times flies, and not always in the way we would want it to. You can’t always get what you want as the song states, but you can wish for it. I would say think positive, and then roll with what you have.

I can sit here in my life thinking back on the last few months and wonder. But I am doing everything in my power of my mind not to, and just to look forward as to what may come. I have had a lot of fun these last couple of months, with many things that have gone on in my life. Including letting a certain girl in, or rather back in, more permanent. I don’t think I would call her a “GF” per say, and I certainly will not call her a sub of mine. Though I will call her a play partner for sure, and I love her in a way that in special between us. She has her things going on in her life that she has to straighten out, and when all is said and done then maybe we can look at what is going on between us.

But for now….. I am loving playing with her, spanking her, caning her, and flogging her…. And of course, filling her full of needles. She is a pervy girl, and I love this about her. Love making her cum, and when during play she looks so pretty when doing so. Nummmmmy! Just a cutie.

I miss my pup. So don ‘t get me wrong in thinking that this wonderful bundle of girl is replacing anything, as she doesn’t. I love my women, and always will. I am queer as anyone knows, and have always been. Tried the whole man thingy, and well it just didn’t go all that well having a man over me. And for the most part the men either didn’t like me having women on the side, or had ulterior motives when I did. So there will never be that again, I know what I love and need in my life. Girls girls girls. But for that last chance I took in male bonding, I miss. Yes I wish I could have that time back, though you can never look back. That would have to be something renewed, if it were ever to be again. But for now, I am doing my thing the way I want. He is doing his thing the way he wants, and has set that clear as well. As long as we can maintain that friendship, I think that can be more important than anything for us. And hopefully nothing will ever come between us again, no matter what the situation. Life certainly is not the same without pup, and there is an empty space there like a hole that I can’t seem to fill. But I am sure that is something that is felt by anyone that loses something that is precious in their life, and are not sure what to do or how to go on after. It is something that you have to learn to live without, and hopefully not only grow from it but go on. Yes, sad, lonely and depressed….. But I will keep going on.

So where does that leave me now……. Looking to the future. Things that I want in my life, and things that I need. I need my health to level off, I need my face fixed, and I need that treatment for my bones and blood. That would be number 1 for me, and the rest will follow. As for life’s relationships, I am letting the cards fall as they may. I am not going out seeking anything, or hoping that there is something out there so let’s go and tail it. I know there will be something in my life, and when it is right it will be there for me. As for now, I want to have fun while I am living my life to the fullest. Go to the Leather parties that made me so happy so m any years ago, as I have gone back to what put that smile on my face when I was younger. Spend time with what keeps me going, and with women that peek me.

Now on the other sides of life……

I have been house sitting in the valley for going on almost a month now. Talk about a nice break really, but weird. I have been able to have birdie here as well, though their cat is rather neurotic for my tastes when it comes to how he reacts to them going away. And now that the weather has even worsened since being out here, it makes traveling back n forth not so great. Even today sucked, as I ended up in a down pour just as I got into Vancouver, and then left in dryness….. But came back to rain for the walk home off transit. Not nice. What makes this even more sweet, there is a dungeon here. Yippeeee! So when able, I have made use of it of course. Only a few more days left to use it, and yes I am in there like a dirty shirt again after a workshop tomorrow night. It’s always nice when you have a dungeon on hand for use when ever you like, then you don’t have to worry about travel back and forth to home from one after a great play. That can take away the nummyness of what was a wonderful feeling going on, and leave you feeling cold and awful. So needle play at workshop, come here after and place more in to make more pretty designs (as if I haven’t put enough in her already last week), then take the “professor” after her ass. Yes! Now that is my idea of a fun night, and I can’t wait to get to tomorrow. Yes, I’m a perv. Please don’t tell the world.

So after this next set of play I am going to have to hit the needle store up and stock up finally. I was trying to get through the old ones, as I can’t handle having them lying around for too long. One never knows what truly is their shelf life, so it is always good to get the rotation through as soon as you can. I do know I have to get in a rather large order, and I think I know where I am going to go due to the size….. I just hope I can go there. If not, I know of another source. My next pin cushion is getting a few hundred put in twice. Once here for a test run, and then on the island for a few others to see. I can’t wait. Now that should be a whole lot of fun, and has been far to long a wait to do that one.

I have made a few parties this year. Though the best are the Mayhem ones so far, and I have enjoyed the smaller ones as well. I am looking forward to the ones coming up. I can’t wait to the end of the year ones, as more people tend ot go out, and I get in a wee bit more socializing in. Say my yearly hellos, and how ya do’s. Not sure how much play I will get in, but at least I can get out. Until then……….

I have to mention that there is someone out there who attended the last Mayhem party that I thought was a solid person. It was her first leather event, and I would have thought them to read the rules. They consider themselves a slave, so the board rules tend to go across generally. No? Well after leaving that party, she thought it upon herself to blog everything that happened there, in full detail. Not impressive if you ask me, or anyone I know. What happens at a party stays at the party, and that includes other peoples play.... unless you have expressed permission to chat about it. And I can say this, there is no permission given on 99% of the play there, except her own play. she was written to about one person's, asked to take it down, and she has yet to do so.... let alone even respond to that email. Disgusting. And people wonder what is wrong with this so called community. There ya have it. Leather people would never do this, not in a million years. Takes a wanna-be bi girl, who doesn't know the lifestyle to go there, and ruin it for the people who actually live it. I am not impressed. What makes it worse, it makes me think twice about going to public parties.... especially if she is going to be there.

Now that is not a good thought for this month.

The steam baths were a good thought. I came out feeling nummy and like a brussels sprout. Perfect.

What's in the air today? Energy abound.

Not sure what is up in the energies.... but wow.

*insert song Purple Rain, due to the fact that Wayne Brady was doing a comedy to it earlier and is not stuck in my head. Though a very fitting song for today, as it is how I feel these last few days.

I am up at a rude hour unable to sleep. There are quite a few things churning through my head, as there usually is.... but far to many for this time for even me. I went to bed thinking of a few thoughts, including of what had put a damper on my mood this afternoon. Still unable to pinpoint what it is, knowing something is wrong with someone out there that I know and probably care about. Grrrr. Of course asking the four directions for direction and hopefully visual on what is happening, no matter what that may be. I am hoping by the time I do get my eyes closed, that this will all come to me.

I had such wonderful thoughts going through my brain after all that. Everything that had gone on throughout the week, people I had talked to, things I had done... things I will be doing. Whats-her-face I'd like to fuck, and so-n-so I am going to see in the next couple days. All good stuff, plus so much more. I even had past memories of that one last big fling I had the last year that I lived in my home town, before I moved to live with the hubby in our new home. And wow, what wonderful thoughts came up with that. Whip cream and coco sprinkles that had snagged me, electrical taped together in a paper bad dropped on my counter at work with purpose. lmao, ya those were the days. And what wonderful pervy sex it was, beautiful music those months were. Tons of fun and laughter, partying with the guys and gals, the band and bands.... sweeeeeeet. And how we have reconnected lately, and how well he is doing with his now second wife and doing absolutely fabulous. And has gone from that sound man geek almost leather, to all leather music motor cycle riding kinky dude. Wicked! Can't wait to spend time just chattin it up with him, and talking about the old days and the peeps in our lives from back then. Wow. Wish I could still sing up a storm like that, haven't filled him in on my jaw as of yet. Not sure how to do that one, kinda bad news bear thingy that I don't want to do. How do you tell your sound man that you can't sing like you used to, not in a band anymore...... can't hear tones.... Grrr. hmmm. That's for another day I guess.

Of course I went to the thought of conversations to be had with other people. Planning them out, as I know they will be good. Explaining certain things, but knowing all is understanding. Hoping that nothing in between is lost there, and that future endeavors are still thought about.

As well about a friend who has a bump on the head. Needing certain foodies, and how to get that to them. I know and understand how they feel, and wish I could be of more help. Love my friends, love the people around me, want to help when I can.... it's that whole pay it forward thing in me.

Then it all went to my appointment today. As of course most of this is in positiveness mode. And how my doc asked about positive things happening in my life lately, and all were so minor that I couldn't come up with a really big one for him. Meh. But I thought of one as I lay there.... I chopped off a foot of hair, which is a big thing for me. But it went rather downward spiraling from there, as there was a negative that went with it. When at my fab hairdresser's, whom I love to bits, there was a notice on how much truly wasn't cut off this time. After all was done, she pointed out on the floor how much really wasn't there even after that whole foot came off. And that hit me like a ton of bricks just this nite, not then - to which I think is a good thing now. The reason for not having as much on the floor, I have lost half of my head of hair these past few years with my health prob. It just goes unnoticed by everyone; not just because it is long and I try to keep it full looking, but because what I do have is rather healthy. And Jackie stated it is probably the healthiest thing on my body, as she knows what all is going on with me. And she is right in some aspects of that, and I am laid out by that. The lady next to me wondered how long it took me to grow my hair as long as it was, and I replied not that long at all..... as unique as I am, it takes almost half the time as the average person to grow my hair out. But I only have half a head, which is killing me inside.

Have the skin patches (granuloma annular), have the foodie problems, heck even be hurting and tired all damn day long..... but shit leave my fricking hair alone!

People have asked me when and if I have been tied up by my hair. Lil rope bondage with the ol hair do, and there was a time I would have jumped up and did my usual "pick me pick me" routine. But now I'm to darn scared to, as I probably will rip more out in the process and can't afford that. Leaves my kink down to only a few things now a days...... lots and lots of needles, tattoos, some rope bondage, sex, kinky sex, really dirty sex, more needles and sharpie things, and maybe a whip or two. And anything else I can think of that won't damage too deep, or take too long to heal and/or make to deep a bruise. What ever I can pass by my dermatologist, and make him happy. lmao. Not gonna take all that to the immunologist, I would probably give him a heart attack with the full list. And of course, what I do love doing, torturing and tantalizing all those bottoms with wonderful things in my toy bag. hehehehehehe.

Sooooooooooooo. When I go back in a couple months, and get that other foot cut off....... do I perm it first, then think about it? Or do I just cut, and maybe go really short and just say Phuk it? Or do I just trim it, and keep yelling and screaming at it cause I can't handle the fact of what it is doing, and what I can't do with it? I can donate it, that I can do. To which is a thought in the back of my over run brain. So if you see me in the new year rather pixie'd out, don't be shocked please..... be happy for whom ever got the hair that THEY needed more than I did. Because there is a wonderful woman out there who has lost all of her hair due to a treatment, and I can handle helping her out because I can't get mine. She is in worse shape than me. At least I still have some roots left. That is what will always keep me going. And my friends who make me smile. .... and maybe that one who can handle sticking a few hundred needles in me for an afternoon or eve. muah!

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Now if I could only stop this sniffling, I could get over this hair thing and maybe get some sleep already. lmao. *shakes head* what a ninny I am. It's only hair.

Perfectly Pervy Precepts For Another Day.... Maybe

I was thinking a few things in the last couple of weeks. Not just what I was wanting, but what I was missing. Of course lately I had been needing certain things in my life, and one being needles. And that I was approaching someone to fulfill that for me. But then I have had something completely change that.

I got to thinking about all the great pervy parties that were about to come up soon. And then I got to think about whom I was going to be playing with, woo hoo. But then I also got to thinking about a few other subjects as well, and that probably should have been left at the back of my head. Really. And then today solidified it all. Honestly what have I been doing lately besides trying to mend a friendship with an ex slave, and hoping that we could just keep something going. As he had put it a while back... casual. Though there was no way I would play with him casually, it would be one way or no way with me. I am not that kind of person to do so, and I am sure he had figured that out. But certain things had come out of their mouth lately that had pissed me off, and it made me say and do things that I am sure mad them mad as well. But their actions have been uncalled for, sadly they don't see it.

Now I am no saint. I have never said I was, and never will profess to be one. I have my faults, and I am actually happy to have some. But when it comes to your own actions, pls recognize them when they are pointed out to you. Don't think that you are just being attacked, and that all the blame is just being posted onto you, it's not. But remember that it does take two to tango, and I just don't mean in sex either.

But in a sad way this has led me to truly think about my role here in this lifestyle. Am I who I really am. I have been walked over lately, and made to jump to for someone who is lower than me. So it has made me think I am not who I am, and I don't feel right. I haven't for weeks now, and I want to turn and run. Of course this doesn't help that I am so severely ill right now, and should be in VGH right now getting over this virus I have. And it doesn't help that I still am not getting over this flare, as it just seems to be getting worse. And to me it seems people are playing off of that, take advantage in a way if they know how to. And nothing else seems to be going in the right direction, including when a brother dies I can't go running right away to deal with things. Not right, not in my books.

So if I don't feel like me... who am I.

I've decided that maybe I shouldn't be nothing. I should just leave this lifestyle all together, and just be. It doesn't seem to be the right place to be in right now, as I have been so hurt in the last few years. These people know I have been hurt, but yet they seem to love hurting me even more. I am wondering if they are getting off on it, hurt her some more and see if she blows this time. Get in with her, make her really want you need you, love beating you, maybe even love you.... and then leave her. Yes, that is the way to do it. Hurt her good, as she is that type of girl ya know. But this girl can only take so much, and I have had my limit. Done done done.

So see ya.

I think I have done it. Or rather you have all done it for me. My chapter is done here, and I could give a shit when I start a new one up. I can thank a few people for this, but why mention names. I am sadly living with one right now, and one decided after grabbing my heart that he didn't want my hand on his throat any more. And of course there were all the ones prior. But why look back further. I am done.

So good luck to you all. I wish you all the best. Hope that you find something out of this all that I didn't, and maybe I will see you somewhere done the road. That is if I mend.

Does this do me any better than I was before? I am not sure, and I will not know until I actually walk down this path I am on. I don't think trying to leave this lifestyle is doing me any justice, as I have tried this experience before. And what I should do is reflect on what I have been doing, the negative ways I have taken up with these people in my life.... and change it. I have let these people drain me, take over what was best in me. And I have to stop it as of now. If I don't, there will be nothing left. I have let too many walk over me, and use me. This is no more, and they can walk their own plank thank you very much.

If these people think that they are going to get the better of me..... look to someone else. I have decided to find the positive place and person I used to be, and go in that direction again. If say that last boy I had in my life wants back, there has to be changed in his life.... not mine any more. I am looking to a new light, and a new way..... and everyone else can find that map. No more are they taking me into that negative space, no more are they walking over me. No more. Now.

For now I heal. For now I am me. For now I do what I need, just to gain what it is is me, and what makes me whole. And to heck with what other may think or perceive. I am walking my path, and that is what counts.

Ta for now.

Pervy precepts for another day.

Taking a Deep Breath.....

Tonight I connected with an old friend. It was his BDay just last week, and haven't talked to him in almost a year it seems. WOW. We used to get together for almost weekly lunches down the hill when I lived in the Burbs, and I always looked forward to those. And of course, there were those few times that we did play. Only a few though, as he had a few extra kinks that I just wasn't into. And ya know, that's okay with me. But he did teach me a couple things about myself, and that I really did love breath play. I was reminded of this as we chatted, and how all these things can come about when chatting with an old player/friend again.

Now breath play can be a hard limit and very loving for anyone. For me for many years it was a complete hard limit, just due to events that happened in my past. There was no way that there were hands going around this neck, no way no how. But of course I did have that last Master of mine take control of me by doing so, and well.... ya He did. There was no saying no there, and He had control. He didn't take my breath as in not letting me breath, He just took me.

But my wonderful friend took my breath during play. Now this wasn't putting hands around my throat, nor a bag over my head either. Just at the right time, when it seemed like I was about to peek..... He wrapped His arms around my chest and hugged really hard. And as I lost the wind, I went away. And when I came back..... I flew. Now that was a flight for the first time I would never forget, not in a million years if I live this life out so. And I hope to take to the next, and so on. And for each time He did this in each play, I couldn't wait. It is as if you are waiting to to go to Dairy Queen, knowing that your going to get the Peanut Buster Bar Parfait (but with peacans instead of peanuts). And your almost peeing your panties in anticipation on the way there, and the traffic is going at a turtles pace. No road rage, just not fast enough for you to get there. Even though that is what makes that parfait all that more delectable. The wait, and the taste afterwards.

Nummy.

My roles in life have changed of course since we last were together. And things have changed in his life as well, as he has found the finer things in life can also be found being at the bottom as well. I admire him for this, as not many Tops go this route. Not only are they not comfortable doing so, they just won't. This is just something that is a rarity, unless they have been there already. Have known it, like and loved it, and want to go there again due to missing it. Most would call this switching, and others in my circles call this confused. I call it as I see it when I come across that person, it is what they are when they are there at that moment in time. Not everyone adheres to a code of conduct in this lifestyle that we live by, many are light when it comes to this. Though I live by an Old Guard Leather living, doesn't mean everyone does.

Yes... I have crossed over to the Dark Side. And to most of the people I know, I can never go back. Darn. It's not to say that I can't have a very good friend with whom I trust explicitly to poke me full of hole with needles, and of course there is always the pain side of tattoos and piercing in itself. I will be a fully bonified Sadomasochist. Never will change, to one side or the other. But I am very Sadistic. I wouldn't be able to come up with the ideas I do if I wasn't, nor would I be able to take what I do either. So I have my own balance, and that is within me. Though I am not under the flogger twice a week as we speak, but I do have my own way of dealing with life.

I have met the most wonderful pain bottom since I was with this wonderful friend of mine that loves to have my hands wrapped around his neck. And what really makes me delighted, is that I love doing this for him. Though it has been a while that I have done this, and I would do almost anything to wrap them around that neck right now. It is almost calming being on the upper side of the hand, to have that control and power over how the story goes. To see where they go, and take them on their journey. And if all goes well, join them on that flight. Of course he is not the only bottom/slave I have played with in this last year, but so far the one that has taken the farthest leap off the edge. All have been hard players, and huge pain sluts. But non other than he has had my hands around their necks, and that I find a privilege.

Some day soon I hope to again. Just when he is peeking to wrap my hands around that now prickly neck, watch as his eyes go wild with arousal and fear. And watch as he goes into flight, and just sores..... Feel that body join in what is happening in his head, and feel the vibrations.... all that I felt only a few years ago. Let him tell a story as he journeys off to another place, and float with him and be there when he comes down. There is nothing like that feeling, and nothing like floating with them.... nothing like joining in on that, and knowing where they are going to.... that happy place that makes one feel so safe and warm. Pure ecstasy. And for some reason, for many, breath play is one of the purest forms to get there.

And I understand why.