Monday, September 13, 2010

I’m sitting here on the train in business class wondering about many a thing. I’m also reflecting on life, and not just all its wonders but everything in between as well. Life is never easy, if it were we would never have anything to work for or strive for in life. I think of those who were born with the silver spoon in their mouths; those that didn’t do anything in their lives and how they turned out, and then those who have worked for what they have and the wonderful people they have become. I was not one of those people born with a silver spoon in my mouth, though I have stuck and pierced quite a bit in me , or have had someone else do so of many different types of metals. I worked for everything I have or had, though I don’t own a mansion on a hill (not that the thought of that hasn’t crossed my mind as something to strive for in life). But for what I do have, I can say that I worked for it all and earned it. No one handed me anything in life; and I’ve even crawled on my knees for a few and well other actions as well.

Pristine sea water has its own beauty. On the surface you see crisp cold water, with maybe a water or mammal cresting to break the layers. Underneath there is a whole other world that we don’t even know or see for the most part. It’s sheltered, and hidden away from most of our lives and eyes. If you want to know and see what may be there, you have to go swimming for it. Yes that would mean getting your feet wet, and plunging into that cold crisp water. Doing something different, maybe something you’ve never done before. I can look at this as something quite similar to the BDSm lifestyles, as there is much a mirrored life here. You know there is there is something there, you cave it, want it, and need to know what it is…. Kind of like that kid who has to get to the middle of a Gob Stopper faster than his mates, but can’t quite do it fast enough. Why? It’s a time honered tradition of sorts, learning how to do things the right way to get to the middle and know how to get where you want to go. If you want to know what is going on somewhere in this BDSm world, you have to get your feet wet. Yes ask questions, yes read up everywhere you c an, but get it from reliable sources, and yes lick lick lick your way to the end.

It’s not always so pleasurable where we go and how we get there. There are going to be times that we may not life what we are doing, or what is being done to us. Depending on which side of the fence we are on, there may be options for you. And for the lucky few, you might actually have some say in your day to day activities and livings. How do you react to something you don’t like, especially if it wasn’t on your “No” list? Do you react right away, or do you wait till after that moment is over then discuss it. Would you do this all the time, or just some of the time. Would this be a voicing you do in regular life as well, or just in your BDSm world? Can you separate the two, or does one make the other with you to be a whole? There are so many questions on this, and so many different directions one can go with this. In some way there are a few that mirror our lives, or balance it. Then there are some that are a whole all the time, or the select that actually only come out from hiding (the closet) every once and a while to enjoy their kink.

As I sit here thinking about what I missed back home due to time constraints and people’s works it makes me wonder. All the people I have had in my life for all these years, those that I am still willing to let abuse me in a good way list is so small, and how I either keep missing them or we are too busy to meet up. I do miss the connection I have with a Dom or two from my past playing, and yes they would love to play again, we just need to get our timings rights. But I think of where I am now today, the different person I am as well. Quite different than even 5 years ago, now grown and fitting into a better shoe. Taking that confidence of mine and putting it to use, and using what knowledge I do have, and definitely putting it to very good use. Taking my cravings, and focusing elsewhere. Though still craving one or two things, yes Needles will always be a part of me, as will connections with those I hold dear. But I also crave to feel what I get from those bottoms I do devious things to, watch them squirm and wreath under me and for me, and feel what flows from them. I have more than just cravings, as do most people. I just know and understand mine, and wish and pray for those who don’t know or understand theirs hoping that one day they will figure it out.

So as I’m writing this and thinking what water am I going to take that step into to get what I want now……. Well, a few. I have many events that keep growing that I have to not only get through, but in a way get over. This is different for me, as I have always had someone there for me helping me along the way, holding my hand during times like these. Always known as the strong one, or the one that people could always lean against when needed. Not now, just a few scattered family members. Having a hard time standing on my own two feet during these last 5 months, not even thinking of having to hold anyone else up. And then I’m going to step into the deeper water and just go for life I do believe, while doing that think. Think about possibilities, and where life will take me and what I can do. Which path is the best, not necessarily the easiest, but the better. Through all this remain true to my BDSm self, and never stray far from this part of my life ever again. I realize that I will eventually have to include some members of my family, though now my parents are out of the picture; some will be easier than others. That will be the water I tread in very lightly, and not step through so fast. And I will keep learning, as everyone should. Life, Love, Kink, all of it. I see these people sitting on this train and I wonder how many actually live out their lives, their fantasies, live. From the group around me, I’m gathering not many. But never judge a book by its cover, as you never know what is under neither the top layer.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Life or Something Like It...... Part 2

I was having a bad week last week that I couldn't explain until it hit me. I wasn't sleeping, nor could I eat.... and there was no rhyme or reason for it. Anything I'm going through right now is not that great, but I am not letting it get to me to that degree. But then as I was laying there at 4 am, and this song came on.... it hit me like a ton of bricks. It has been 9 years since this world lost MJ, and he was no longer there in physical form for me to be with. Ya........Even when the mind tries to forget, the soul never does. That is all that I could muster up.

What I can learn from all this..... including MJ and the last couple of years of loss, is a quote I heard a while back. Someone had lost their dad, and were very lost in their own grief and not sure how to deal with it. They stated to someone "I've never known a world without my dad, how do I learn to live without him in it?" The other person saying point blank into their eyes, "You never do." This is never a truer thought, especially for those who have lost someone in their life that meant so much to them. I feel that way about my own dad, and feel rather empty without him around now. I felt that way when MJ died, and wasn't sure where to go from there either. But went on eventually, maybe not the same me, but I ventured on. These past couple years leading up to dad has been hard, and I am attempting to learn to live with the loss of some very dear people to me. I know I never will fully learn, but I can learn to keep walking. As for dad...... I am not sure how I will go from here, as right now I still don't know any answers to that one. I feel much like that person in that quote, and rather lost.

As today rolled on and I was in chore mode and surfing the web at the same time..... I came across some one's facebook pages that had some wonderful advice on it. This person being a wonderful loving spouse of a lost loved one from last year, who touched so many hearts.... not just mine. On this page was advise on how to be around and treat people who are grieving, and not to let them just be. This excerpt coming from a wonderful author's book, that should be passed on to everyone on this planet. Not only precise, honest, but correct words of thought. But also words to live by and ponder from time to time, just in our every day living. One never knows what is going on in different people's lives, as do you really know what goes on behind the scenes when you are not in contact at all times?
It's very true how people can put up a great front. I can do this very well, and have many a time. Just as I can show I am doing wonderful, when in actual fact my face is killing me and I might actually have a migraine at that particular moment that I can't seem to get rid of...... or foodie problems cause I can't quite process something due to the kidneys not working right. I see this in many people I know, as I try to make it a habit to find out about those I am close to. I want to know if they are truly okay, as some times I can tell they are lying when they say that everything is just fine. By the way... How is that back ache today? Is it getting any better? Or have you found a therapy that works yet? If not..... message me, I might know of something that might help..... and you know who you are if you are reading this.

I've taken to many ways of dealing with stresses, pains and grievances in my many years of living. Though for many it was on the other end of a whip or flogger, and even through a needle or two. I found that getting in those extra endorphins always helped me, and I know there are many others out there who do the same as I do or did. It's not just for athletes any more mom, everyone is doing it now. We all have our own way of dealing with different obstacles in life, be it pain or grieving. Mine tend to lead more towards the Sadomastic side of life, and meditation and Tai Chi for the other half of me. I find balance in everything I do, and almost every where I go. If I don't have balance, I am lost. And that can be noticeable, and people watch out. lol. Right now since I am dealing with so much on the upper half of me, and talking care of so many details..... I could really go for some needle play about now. And I am not talking about just a few stuck in me, something that will make me fly out and beyond......... and have my energy just glowing type of needle play. *sigh* Soon some day, I am sure.... and hope and prey... oooops. Sorry, pray.

So as I sit here staring out at the maple tree in the yard... and the grove beyond it..... I ponder what life has in store. Not just for me, but for those I hold dear. I hope that those who have had loss in their life that has hurt them so bad it's made them stop in their tracks as well...... well, that they can learn to walk again as I am going to try to do as well. No there is no learning to live without, there is just living. I hope that those who are out there pick up that phone, or Internet mail, get ahold of someone they haven't in a while for what ever reason, and just say "let's go for that coffee, I'm buying and I don't care if you have rollers in your hair.... I haven't showered." And I truly hope that no matter what happens in this big world of ours, that we know we are not alone. If it isn't our neighbor, our friend down the road, long lost schooled buddy, it's someone in a country we can't even pronounce. Just know that we are not alone in what we do, or how we live.... everyone some where.... has gone through something just as similar... if not exactly the same. It's called life.