Monday, September 13, 2010

I’m sitting here on the train in business class wondering about many a thing. I’m also reflecting on life, and not just all its wonders but everything in between as well. Life is never easy, if it were we would never have anything to work for or strive for in life. I think of those who were born with the silver spoon in their mouths; those that didn’t do anything in their lives and how they turned out, and then those who have worked for what they have and the wonderful people they have become. I was not one of those people born with a silver spoon in my mouth, though I have stuck and pierced quite a bit in me , or have had someone else do so of many different types of metals. I worked for everything I have or had, though I don’t own a mansion on a hill (not that the thought of that hasn’t crossed my mind as something to strive for in life). But for what I do have, I can say that I worked for it all and earned it. No one handed me anything in life; and I’ve even crawled on my knees for a few and well other actions as well.

Pristine sea water has its own beauty. On the surface you see crisp cold water, with maybe a water or mammal cresting to break the layers. Underneath there is a whole other world that we don’t even know or see for the most part. It’s sheltered, and hidden away from most of our lives and eyes. If you want to know and see what may be there, you have to go swimming for it. Yes that would mean getting your feet wet, and plunging into that cold crisp water. Doing something different, maybe something you’ve never done before. I can look at this as something quite similar to the BDSm lifestyles, as there is much a mirrored life here. You know there is there is something there, you cave it, want it, and need to know what it is…. Kind of like that kid who has to get to the middle of a Gob Stopper faster than his mates, but can’t quite do it fast enough. Why? It’s a time honered tradition of sorts, learning how to do things the right way to get to the middle and know how to get where you want to go. If you want to know what is going on somewhere in this BDSm world, you have to get your feet wet. Yes ask questions, yes read up everywhere you c an, but get it from reliable sources, and yes lick lick lick your way to the end.

It’s not always so pleasurable where we go and how we get there. There are going to be times that we may not life what we are doing, or what is being done to us. Depending on which side of the fence we are on, there may be options for you. And for the lucky few, you might actually have some say in your day to day activities and livings. How do you react to something you don’t like, especially if it wasn’t on your “No” list? Do you react right away, or do you wait till after that moment is over then discuss it. Would you do this all the time, or just some of the time. Would this be a voicing you do in regular life as well, or just in your BDSm world? Can you separate the two, or does one make the other with you to be a whole? There are so many questions on this, and so many different directions one can go with this. In some way there are a few that mirror our lives, or balance it. Then there are some that are a whole all the time, or the select that actually only come out from hiding (the closet) every once and a while to enjoy their kink.

As I sit here thinking about what I missed back home due to time constraints and people’s works it makes me wonder. All the people I have had in my life for all these years, those that I am still willing to let abuse me in a good way list is so small, and how I either keep missing them or we are too busy to meet up. I do miss the connection I have with a Dom or two from my past playing, and yes they would love to play again, we just need to get our timings rights. But I think of where I am now today, the different person I am as well. Quite different than even 5 years ago, now grown and fitting into a better shoe. Taking that confidence of mine and putting it to use, and using what knowledge I do have, and definitely putting it to very good use. Taking my cravings, and focusing elsewhere. Though still craving one or two things, yes Needles will always be a part of me, as will connections with those I hold dear. But I also crave to feel what I get from those bottoms I do devious things to, watch them squirm and wreath under me and for me, and feel what flows from them. I have more than just cravings, as do most people. I just know and understand mine, and wish and pray for those who don’t know or understand theirs hoping that one day they will figure it out.

So as I’m writing this and thinking what water am I going to take that step into to get what I want now……. Well, a few. I have many events that keep growing that I have to not only get through, but in a way get over. This is different for me, as I have always had someone there for me helping me along the way, holding my hand during times like these. Always known as the strong one, or the one that people could always lean against when needed. Not now, just a few scattered family members. Having a hard time standing on my own two feet during these last 5 months, not even thinking of having to hold anyone else up. And then I’m going to step into the deeper water and just go for life I do believe, while doing that think. Think about possibilities, and where life will take me and what I can do. Which path is the best, not necessarily the easiest, but the better. Through all this remain true to my BDSm self, and never stray far from this part of my life ever again. I realize that I will eventually have to include some members of my family, though now my parents are out of the picture; some will be easier than others. That will be the water I tread in very lightly, and not step through so fast. And I will keep learning, as everyone should. Life, Love, Kink, all of it. I see these people sitting on this train and I wonder how many actually live out their lives, their fantasies, live. From the group around me, I’m gathering not many. But never judge a book by its cover, as you never know what is under neither the top layer.


Miss R said...

I think a rare few have the balls to live as they truly wish they could. Another good argument for reincarnation in that one. :)

Here's to those that do! *cheers*

Lil D said...

Your so very right... some people need the stones to take those leaps of faith, so do it with closed eyes, and then there are the ones that sit on the side lines. For me, after writing all this out those couple weeks, I realised it was time for me to open up my heart and mind again. Not only to new endevours, but to people and those possibilities with them. Hard thing to do in my shoes, but I do believe in the end it will be well worth it. And yes, get the stones to just leap.

Cheers back and to all those people who take leaps of faith, even with your eyes closed.