Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Stressed, Not Completely Broken

I think this year is going to eventually come to an end. What a wild ride this past year and a half have been, and sadly a great portion not so wonderful. Though I can say I have met some most wonderful people in this whole process (and re-connected with others ~_~), and I can say I would not trade that part of this whole experience for anything. For me though who is usually a tough-as-nails bitch in most circumstances on the good days, hit my breaking point a couple weeks ago. I have been trudging through from May 5th till now, and I had my share of loss last year which included my bro. And of course for most of those who know me well, know that my mom passed 13 years ago. Suddenly after some interesting conversations with family down south here, and huge disappointments that went with that, the loss of what I consider the rest of me ( Both Dad and Grams) 4 months apart hit me like a 10 ton brick.

Funny how a person deals with grief really…. As everyone is different. I have been going back and forth getting all that needed to be done, well done. And yes, have had my share of cry sessions. Have even discussed with many people about keeping their life in order, no matter what it may look like (as you don’t want to leave a mess behind for anyone). I haven’t gone to many events, especially after gram’s passing. I have had a hard time being my cheery self, let alone project something other than mourning if someone asked how I was doing. It’s been hard; but as many who knew both me and dad, we were one in the same that way that and not wanting to let others know that is may not be all that great. Hence why his was such a surprise, not knowing that he was more ill than he was letting anyone know – including me. So as everyone keeps telling me this, and all sorts of other poo to go with it…. Not like I need to hear anymore….they are also putting me in a position that I don’t want to be in, and of course leaving me up to do everything for both dad and grams. There was to all this wonderful help out there from some of them, including helping getting to these lil towns that I need to get to in order to sign papers/collect belongings/plan a service or honoring. And that doesn’t include having to go into the house in the mountains in Washington that my 2nd cousin on grams side is now NOT taking me to, and dealing with both estates from what seems like another world with 60+ yr olds telling me that I should be getting all this help with everything….. but yet non step up in any form (not even the kids). I won’t go into what I am not getting help with due to not having re-new’d my citizenship prior to their passing, and this includes the VA. Oh but I am still a US citizen, in their eyes…. They are missing some paperwork for what is actually important in this incomparable situation. Not very comforting when it seems what was my life is now gone, and even my sister couldn’t give a breath of help but yet take take take and be so crude. I don’t have a sister in my mind, not that one any way.

So after I got left at my elder cousin’s (rather my grams cousin) again for 2 days beyond the say I agreed to for a second time. I listened to how I am this person in the family now, and how I have to take care of everything. Jessie (grams) was the great person, her namesake before her (her grams), and great great grandma Moet was this great person as well. Now it’s my turn, oh and when is Jessie’s service……. And of course you should have seen the faces when I suggested after the holidays due to the weather, and where her ashes are to be spread. But that doesn’t matter, not in their eyes. God forbid I don’t do this soon, I’m sure I am sinning somewhere in this for holding off. Going through pictures, looking back in time, missing sooooo much. And every dang lil town I go to here has memories, from as far back as I can remember. As well grams and gramps lived in many, and so many family members including dearly departed Uncle Joel. I’m shocked I actually made it back here without losing it, let alone saying my peace in a non ladylike way (no we don’t curse around Irene, you watch what you say around most of them, but especially Irene). I think I will throw the “F” bomb out during grams service, just as I shoot back some whiskey.

Greg finally drops me off here after that second rather stressful weekend…. And I break. My body said “that’s it,” and my brain shut down with the body. I told the lawyer to piss off, told the managers here to leave me alone in the best way I could (born again’s who would love nothing more than me to tear this place down and just walk away, and yes have said that to my face), and turned off the world. For the first time actually let this all soak in, and took time for me to grieve and attempt to bring me back. Came up with an enormous amount of questions, and a few answers to some. Thought about life as it is now, and wondered where do I go now that I have lost what was my whole world to me – dad. And knowing grams was old and heading to Summerland soon was no joy these past couple of years, but losing that strength when I needed it most no matter how limited it may have seemed. Of course after almost daily walks, several movies, and music you start to see signs and/or similarities in things. There are stories told, stories to be heard and seen sometimes just when we need them. Maybe not always that answer we are seeking, but something that gives that hot cocoa on a cold night when there is a chill.

I picked up the phone finally the other day and took the calls I needed to. Cried through every single one, but I did it. Turned on the computer and finally started to answer emails and read life online, realizing I am missing life…. Even just as it happens (though finding out that night or the day after), still that sobbing idiot. Wishing I hadn’t stopped all contact, but arguing with myself on how I needed that solace and still hadn’t gotten it. And yes even told my lawyer to piss off again today, and cried through it. But this whole time thought about how I can remember these two people that meant so much to me, and defined who I am today. Still looking at pictures, as I need to for all of this. When I started this journey I had told a wonderful friend that I was going to start a picture diary of this experience, of course this was before grams had passed. Looking through all of these pictures, some approximately 200 yrs old, it has turned into so much more than that. I am not just taking pictures of what is around me, and this beautiful landscape that makes up Oregon and Washington, but I am seeing so much more. I am seeing my history, or at least some of it, and somehow will find what is in me other than what I have just been living. There is more, something that tells my story, and hopefully will help me get back that happy spirit that I am missing right now. Those answers may not all be down here, they may not be back in BC nor where I was born, who knows where this will lead me. It may lie in my bucket list, or maybe in someone who has those answers I am seeking. I may be stressed out unraveled basket case right now, and who knows when the waters will ease. I am going to fight for what I can, give away whatever the fuck I feel like even if it is the friggen china, do whatever whenever I darn well feel like – even if it doesn’t suite your cantankerous 94 year old mood………and keep trudging on knowing that there are family members and friends of the family that are not doing so wonderful, but not have such a heavy heart about it….. tears and all and not forget those friends who I do consider “my family”, and those wonderful friends again…. At least not when I should grab a shoulder to lean on.

• And yes typing this out helped huge. It makes me look at life from the outside, even through the waterworks.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

It Was A Good Day For a Napping..... *Part 1*

*Incert Rainbow Pic Here*
To be placed tomorrow

Nov. 8, 2010

In a way this has been one of the best trips back home this year so far. I haven’t been able to do everything that I wanted, see everyone I truly wanted and/or needed, and certainly not everything I needed to get done. But I can say I have done a lot, seen a lot, and just been a lot. I actually have a calm smile on my face just for that alone, though still going to try to make that smile even bigger. I am completely aware that accomplishing everything is not always plausable, I can still shoot for a shorter star and think possitive. Weeeeee. Lol. Of course I have been busier than bill the squirrel cuttin wood for the winter, and yes tired at times, but all is good.

I was kidnapped last week and taken up to Queen E Park up to the Conservartory. Perfect timing for the sun to come out from behind the rain clouds, shine on us, and gift us with a phenominal double rainbow. Just what the doctor oedered, well and the soul. It was a gorgous afternoon all the way to sunset, and worth dropping life for. I took a ton of pictures, and we all walked around and soaked it in. The view was spectacular. It’s those lil moments that warm you, and let you know that life is so full of a few small gregarious and wonderous moments……. To be shared with those that appreciate the lil moments.

I had got to thinking about some Water Bondage up there…….perfect place for it really when you look at it all and get to thinking. Not too far down the path and hill some most excellent spots for suspension in the trees, I don’t think anyone would notice…. Do you?

I didn’t go to Rascals after all. I ended up on the phone with family down south, and having to deal with those matters and answering questions and anything else you might gather in that, that is drained me by the time I was to be already on my way there. So missed the party I wanted to go to, I am going to have to make up for that one. And I will. I haven’t attended anything here on the party aspect, though I did finally make it to the Tri-City Brunch that I organize here…. Enough to make my month. And the week into that actually made the Fraser Valley/Surrey Munch, and managed to see so many between the two that I was full. That was a blessing, and nice. Dressed in my working “walk of shame” cloths for the Brunch, as it happen to fall on All Hallows Eve…. Oct. 31st. A few others dressed as well, and it made for a great Sunday! No I didn’t get picks, brought the camera, lacked in the brain power to remember to bring it out. Shhhh. Will get picks of outfit for all to see soon, I promise. Ya….

Got to spend so much time with birdie…. Miss that dude. Took him for a walk around the yard the other day, and someone thought I was strange for doing so. But he was asleep by 6:30pm, so there is some good in there somewhere. Such a funny bird, and so full of characture. Omg. I found a couple new tunes that he likes, so I can almost have a full disco night with him dancing and singing away. Quite entertaining when he gets going, and you can get the right mix.

Went for dinner with a friend at a family restaurant last week. Took the laptop of course, as they do have free wifi available. And did the perv thing, as there is nothing like pervin all those things that you have been talking about for the last few weeks, especially when talking about “The Cone”. We had gotten through most of the dinner without having to worry about anyone seeing what we had on the screen, but then we had a huge table placed by us with 3 children with it. Pouted over that, but had great luck up until then. Even the waitress didn’t mind, and we think the manager came over just to see what we were looking at….get his perv on. *grin.* For the better part of it all, people never seem to surprise me. Human nature to be curious, human nature when it comes to sexual subjects in any form.

Wonderful weekend I just had. The better part being Sunday I do believe, and I can’t wait to repeat it again (love those Sundays, there are never enough no more). Spent it brunching with an old friend who means a lot to me, who always puts a permanent smile on my face. Talked about stories from a few years ago, that sometimes actually get talked about others. And of course one in particular that I like to bring up from time to time, as well I do get a good giggle out of it. And who doesn’t deserve a good giggle; it’s not only healing but funny, even at the expense of an authority like figure. *grin*, okay a few, but who is counting. Yes, I can say that. No, I am not an innocent. Yes, I will probably pay for it one day. No, I am not worried. I think those persons involved should really think about how they fell for it, really. Hehehehehe. Yes, I am stopping there.  No, I am not stupid. I may be who I am, and an damn proud of where I have come to. But I still know my place in the chain, and certainly have my respect for those.

Missed a wedding I was supposed to be at staying down south that wee bit longer to try and get certain things done before coming home. They didn’t get done, due to semantics. And now have other hurdles to jump. Will never miss a wedding again, nor turkey day. Still making up for missing turkey day, even eating my goat cheese with cranberries and cinnamon……. NUMMY! That is another story there, with recipe. Drool.

Going to be missing a few more things. If I haven’t missed enough already, between up here and a few events down south being here right now…. I am going to be missing out on a few more when I go back. Hahahahaha. Ce La Vie!

To Be Continued.........

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Tomorrow's Walk To Remember

I’ve been home almost a week now…. Just a few hours away. I have rested a ton, played with birdie, seen doc, sung with birdie, gotta go back to doc, fed birdie tons of birdie bribing foodies, got papers together so package is almost ready to go to lawyer, chatted my head with birdie, and then spent a couple hours on phone with family members last night - to which drained me enough to not have the energy to go to a wicked Hollow’s Eve Kink Party at Rascals. Grrrrrrrrr. And sat here and found ever squeal know to parrots everywhere with birdie (he likes loons). Next please. I don’t think I want to be where these family members are putting me, I am not wanting to be that person…. At least not right now.

So while I waited an extra few days for paperwork down south I missed so much. I missed the wedding of the year that I should have been at, their like family to me. Must make that one up some how, not sure yet. Kinda missed turkey day dinner, and no one saved me any…. Now I’m hurt…. But considering they just had the wedding a couple days before, understandable. I still want my turkey while I’m in town, and I will get it. I have a good way of pouting, and it just might work. Either that or I will cry on the train back down south next month, and never eat turkey again. *grin*. Oh, no the paperwork was not worth it. No I didn’t get into what I needed, and now have at ton more work to do. ARG!!!!

This is going to make a most excellent book when I am done. Not sure if to make it like a novel, or a manual. Right now, soap novel sounds good. But the manual is excellent, as it is going to help others one day on what not to do…. And how to get around corners when there seems no way through.

And as I type this… I finally have birdie on the one finger wag…. Of shut up or I’m going to stick you in the corner finger wag. It works, but don’t tell him that.

There is so much to talk about…. So much I haven’t put in here in soooo long, and yet I am not typing away about it all. Not sure why; I think it is more due to not having the energy, and also knowing that once I get started my fone is going to ring yet again with another family member wondering when gram’s service is going to be. When all I want to be doing is out walking, breathing in clean air (ya I know that second part is hard to find here). Or better yet, I think Timmy Ho’s is on the menu this week….. Haven’t been in so long. Miss my Timmys.

Tomorrow’s another day. Always another list to go off of, another fone call to make, argument to have, demand to send off (but likely know that it won’t happen), and another walk to remember. Yes, tomorrow’s walk…. That I am looking forward to.

Here is something that I think made my night... such a cutie she is, such a good girl!!!!
Yes!! Got to love it when they listen.... Open  your shirt, and bare it! Now dodn't say a word while I write in sharpie on your chest. *grins*

Yes there is fun at those Salem Munches. shhhhh.

From Oct 13th..... Copy Paste... new posting to follow later today.

Oct 13, 2010

I’ve sometimes looked at things from several different points of view. I am the type of person to have a multi colored mind, always have and always will. I love seeing life with a varied spectrum, as you never know what may come up next. Just around the corner might be something you never thought about, or maybe something you might have thought…….but didn’t think strongly enough to put it into motion. So along comes something that changes your life, and it makes you look at everything around you just slightly in a different spectrum. Maybe even one you never noticed before, a new hue that was never even thought of. So what do you do with that? Well that all depends on the hue I guess, and how much that color affects you. Is it strong enough to attract you like a moth to the flame, or just maybe enough to be that right orca that goes with the flow. Not only will time tell, but so will the tides.

I am now trying to look at all this tribulation that has been going on in my life this past year as a lesson. Though it isn’t just a lesson, I think it is also a path or two that has been offered up as well. Not to even to imagine that I would deviate from my original plans of new degrees, and re-certifying afterwards as well. But just where I may go from there, and what I might do in between. A lot has happened, and that has changed me in ways I didn’t think anything ever would. It has put perspective where I thought I was already solid, and unsteadied some areas and made me think more where I think I knew what was what.

In my travels I have met some absolutely wonderful people (in many years, not just this one.. Which is eye opening by far). I have had some great support from those I already know, and I don’t think I could thank them enough for it. But I have also received support from people who are complete strangers to me, who in all rights didn’t have any vested interest in me or anything I am doing. Well, maybe one, but what can I say about a mortician and his boss. Tons!!!! One who will bring paperwork to me so I don’t have to come down to their office, who will help me pull weeds that are over two years rooted in the garden, who will give me a ride when I am stuck and he is available…. And his boss who offers his service up as well, or anything that they at all can do for me. Yes, they took care of dad. Yes, The owner’s dad used to be the original owner of my grams home………6 degrees of separation or less. Then grams bought it from him when gramps passed, and here I am today…… wow.

I am also thinking about this wonderful woman I have met as well. She makes me smile just thinking about her, and having date night with her can even mean missing out on the movie we want to see….but let’s go to a couple pubs, then hit the local biker bar (the only one left in town) to which isn’t much of a biker bar any more…… ummm, I was the biker in the bar, and that was sad. New owner, and after hearing what she wanted to do with it…. Ya, I don’t think I will be running back to break the rule of “No patches, no exceptions.” But to go see the tar benders again, ya sure. But I digress.

I have had an absolutely divine time playing with this woman. Not only is she gun to beat, play with, tickle, spank, whip clips off her tits and such…. But also make cum. Yup, and that I loved. I can’t wait to spend time with her, or even just chat with her on the phone. Going to truly miss her and others back there while I’m back home, kind of different really. We‘ve set out our own paths, and what we want and don‘t want; not sure what the future brings, and where we may end up… but for now we are enjoying each other’s company. That is good enough for me right now, and of course if I can beat her till she is all sorts of pretty colors…. Yes! She makes wonderful noises, and excellent reactions, and I love the energy I feel from her….. Yup. I am happy to call her a friend, and that is what I want to keep around and never change.

So I get back into Vancouver after a particularly long train ride. Alright, maybe not so much long as it was annoying for the first half of it. Don’t get me wrong I love kids, but please quit feeding your not quite 2 yr old sugar when they are screaming and crying. Especially after you took someone else’s seat, two peoples actually. And was very rude about it as well. Not a happy relaxing ride as per usual, but the last bit was wonderful. Got in a bit of reading, and just listened to some great blues. Chatted with this wonderful lady, whom I will fill that sad story in on another time…. And ya,…. It was the train, as I usually like it. I had stayed up all night the night before due to my poor sleep schedule, and had to be someone way too early in the morning prior to the trip. Did my morning, got on the train… and railed on home…..

Then got to finally see birdie, who I have dearly missed. Poor lil guy, how I have missed our chats. Yup as I thought, he missed me huge for about 5 min, hated me for a couple days, then all was peachy again after that. Bribe him again, and he loves me. That’s birdie, such a kewl dude. I will get him dancing on film this time, you can count on that one. Hehehehehe.

Well…… I should hit the sack soon. Probably post this in the am. A lil too tired now to pull everything up now, make sure it all lines up… maybe check spelling.. Maybe not, just to be a rebel. Add a pic of my trip up, and presco!!!!

Oh….. Hallows Eve….. I am actually some where for that I think, and not a friggen clue what to wear. Any ideas?????


Monday, September 13, 2010

I’m sitting here on the train in business class wondering about many a thing. I’m also reflecting on life, and not just all its wonders but everything in between as well. Life is never easy, if it were we would never have anything to work for or strive for in life. I think of those who were born with the silver spoon in their mouths; those that didn’t do anything in their lives and how they turned out, and then those who have worked for what they have and the wonderful people they have become. I was not one of those people born with a silver spoon in my mouth, though I have stuck and pierced quite a bit in me , or have had someone else do so of many different types of metals. I worked for everything I have or had, though I don’t own a mansion on a hill (not that the thought of that hasn’t crossed my mind as something to strive for in life). But for what I do have, I can say that I worked for it all and earned it. No one handed me anything in life; and I’ve even crawled on my knees for a few and well other actions as well.

Pristine sea water has its own beauty. On the surface you see crisp cold water, with maybe a water or mammal cresting to break the layers. Underneath there is a whole other world that we don’t even know or see for the most part. It’s sheltered, and hidden away from most of our lives and eyes. If you want to know and see what may be there, you have to go swimming for it. Yes that would mean getting your feet wet, and plunging into that cold crisp water. Doing something different, maybe something you’ve never done before. I can look at this as something quite similar to the BDSm lifestyles, as there is much a mirrored life here. You know there is there is something there, you cave it, want it, and need to know what it is…. Kind of like that kid who has to get to the middle of a Gob Stopper faster than his mates, but can’t quite do it fast enough. Why? It’s a time honered tradition of sorts, learning how to do things the right way to get to the middle and know how to get where you want to go. If you want to know what is going on somewhere in this BDSm world, you have to get your feet wet. Yes ask questions, yes read up everywhere you c an, but get it from reliable sources, and yes lick lick lick your way to the end.

It’s not always so pleasurable where we go and how we get there. There are going to be times that we may not life what we are doing, or what is being done to us. Depending on which side of the fence we are on, there may be options for you. And for the lucky few, you might actually have some say in your day to day activities and livings. How do you react to something you don’t like, especially if it wasn’t on your “No” list? Do you react right away, or do you wait till after that moment is over then discuss it. Would you do this all the time, or just some of the time. Would this be a voicing you do in regular life as well, or just in your BDSm world? Can you separate the two, or does one make the other with you to be a whole? There are so many questions on this, and so many different directions one can go with this. In some way there are a few that mirror our lives, or balance it. Then there are some that are a whole all the time, or the select that actually only come out from hiding (the closet) every once and a while to enjoy their kink.

As I sit here thinking about what I missed back home due to time constraints and people’s works it makes me wonder. All the people I have had in my life for all these years, those that I am still willing to let abuse me in a good way list is so small, and how I either keep missing them or we are too busy to meet up. I do miss the connection I have with a Dom or two from my past playing, and yes they would love to play again, we just need to get our timings rights. But I think of where I am now today, the different person I am as well. Quite different than even 5 years ago, now grown and fitting into a better shoe. Taking that confidence of mine and putting it to use, and using what knowledge I do have, and definitely putting it to very good use. Taking my cravings, and focusing elsewhere. Though still craving one or two things, yes Needles will always be a part of me, as will connections with those I hold dear. But I also crave to feel what I get from those bottoms I do devious things to, watch them squirm and wreath under me and for me, and feel what flows from them. I have more than just cravings, as do most people. I just know and understand mine, and wish and pray for those who don’t know or understand theirs hoping that one day they will figure it out.

So as I’m writing this and thinking what water am I going to take that step into to get what I want now……. Well, a few. I have many events that keep growing that I have to not only get through, but in a way get over. This is different for me, as I have always had someone there for me helping me along the way, holding my hand during times like these. Always known as the strong one, or the one that people could always lean against when needed. Not now, just a few scattered family members. Having a hard time standing on my own two feet during these last 5 months, not even thinking of having to hold anyone else up. And then I’m going to step into the deeper water and just go for life I do believe, while doing that think. Think about possibilities, and where life will take me and what I can do. Which path is the best, not necessarily the easiest, but the better. Through all this remain true to my BDSm self, and never stray far from this part of my life ever again. I realize that I will eventually have to include some members of my family, though now my parents are out of the picture; some will be easier than others. That will be the water I tread in very lightly, and not step through so fast. And I will keep learning, as everyone should. Life, Love, Kink, all of it. I see these people sitting on this train and I wonder how many actually live out their lives, their fantasies, live. From the group around me, I’m gathering not many. But never judge a book by its cover, as you never know what is under neither the top layer.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Life or Something Like It...... Part 2

I was having a bad week last week that I couldn't explain until it hit me. I wasn't sleeping, nor could I eat.... and there was no rhyme or reason for it. Anything I'm going through right now is not that great, but I am not letting it get to me to that degree. But then as I was laying there at 4 am, and this song came on.... it hit me like a ton of bricks. It has been 9 years since this world lost MJ, and he was no longer there in physical form for me to be with. Ya........Even when the mind tries to forget, the soul never does. That is all that I could muster up.

What I can learn from all this..... including MJ and the last couple of years of loss, is a quote I heard a while back. Someone had lost their dad, and were very lost in their own grief and not sure how to deal with it. They stated to someone "I've never known a world without my dad, how do I learn to live without him in it?" The other person saying point blank into their eyes, "You never do." This is never a truer thought, especially for those who have lost someone in their life that meant so much to them. I feel that way about my own dad, and feel rather empty without him around now. I felt that way when MJ died, and wasn't sure where to go from there either. But went on eventually, maybe not the same me, but I ventured on. These past couple years leading up to dad has been hard, and I am attempting to learn to live with the loss of some very dear people to me. I know I never will fully learn, but I can learn to keep walking. As for dad...... I am not sure how I will go from here, as right now I still don't know any answers to that one. I feel much like that person in that quote, and rather lost.

As today rolled on and I was in chore mode and surfing the web at the same time..... I came across some one's facebook pages that had some wonderful advice on it. This person being a wonderful loving spouse of a lost loved one from last year, who touched so many hearts.... not just mine. On this page was advise on how to be around and treat people who are grieving, and not to let them just be. This excerpt coming from a wonderful author's book, that should be passed on to everyone on this planet. Not only precise, honest, but correct words of thought. But also words to live by and ponder from time to time, just in our every day living. One never knows what is going on in different people's lives, as do you really know what goes on behind the scenes when you are not in contact at all times?
It's very true how people can put up a great front. I can do this very well, and have many a time. Just as I can show I am doing wonderful, when in actual fact my face is killing me and I might actually have a migraine at that particular moment that I can't seem to get rid of...... or foodie problems cause I can't quite process something due to the kidneys not working right. I see this in many people I know, as I try to make it a habit to find out about those I am close to. I want to know if they are truly okay, as some times I can tell they are lying when they say that everything is just fine. By the way... How is that back ache today? Is it getting any better? Or have you found a therapy that works yet? If not..... message me, I might know of something that might help..... and you know who you are if you are reading this.

I've taken to many ways of dealing with stresses, pains and grievances in my many years of living. Though for many it was on the other end of a whip or flogger, and even through a needle or two. I found that getting in those extra endorphins always helped me, and I know there are many others out there who do the same as I do or did. It's not just for athletes any more mom, everyone is doing it now. We all have our own way of dealing with different obstacles in life, be it pain or grieving. Mine tend to lead more towards the Sadomastic side of life, and meditation and Tai Chi for the other half of me. I find balance in everything I do, and almost every where I go. If I don't have balance, I am lost. And that can be noticeable, and people watch out. lol. Right now since I am dealing with so much on the upper half of me, and talking care of so many details..... I could really go for some needle play about now. And I am not talking about just a few stuck in me, something that will make me fly out and beyond......... and have my energy just glowing type of needle play. *sigh* Soon some day, I am sure.... and hope and prey... oooops. Sorry, pray.

So as I sit here staring out at the maple tree in the yard... and the grove beyond it..... I ponder what life has in store. Not just for me, but for those I hold dear. I hope that those who have had loss in their life that has hurt them so bad it's made them stop in their tracks as well...... well, that they can learn to walk again as I am going to try to do as well. No there is no learning to live without, there is just living. I hope that those who are out there pick up that phone, or Internet mail, get ahold of someone they haven't in a while for what ever reason, and just say "let's go for that coffee, I'm buying and I don't care if you have rollers in your hair.... I haven't showered." And I truly hope that no matter what happens in this big world of ours, that we know we are not alone. If it isn't our neighbor, our friend down the road, long lost schooled buddy, it's someone in a country we can't even pronounce. Just know that we are not alone in what we do, or how we live.... everyone some where.... has gone through something just as similar... if not exactly the same. It's called life.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Some Times Life Can Surprise You and Be Funny Sometimes.

Life is funny sometimes.... no really it is. Yes I maybe going through a tough time on a personal family note, and yes being distanced from many of my closest friends doesn't help... but I do have a few around me to keep me going at times. But what I am truly looking at is different things and people that have come back into my life from way back when, and how it is a good thing.

Take for instance an ex lover of mine. We shared some absolutely wonderful times together, some involving whip cream and choco sprinkles. I don't regret any part of that, as I can still look back and smile and be thankful for all that happened during those last couple of years I spent in my home town. some time all be it a wee bit tanked and having too much fun stool walking through our favorite pub, other times hanging with the boys (and some girls) and singing song great songs together. It was sad when I left, thinking I wasn't going to see this lover of mine again. Moving south, to camp on the water, into my beloveds arms. Though with the thought in my head of how glad I was that for a moment in time, something I know I will never have again.
So what is even greater about all of this is the now. So after all these years, and the odd call between each other so few and far apart.... we find each other yet again on a BDSm site. Well I'll be a birds butt in flight if I down fall from the sky from shock, but is it really. My lover not knowing who or what I was when they were with me, and me not knowing that they were pervy as well. What makes it even more interesting is the sex, and words said between us, the lil things.... all adding up to the final equation. We should have know. But maybe that is a good thing, as if we did would that have changed things. It might have, made it different. We were on equal ground, and I liked that between us. And oh boy!!!! Did I like it..

Now coming from where I did one is usually discrete about their pervy lifestyle. Or at least back then they were, as now it is a lil more out in the open. I was very young when I knew I wasn't your average nilla girl, and that I certainly like my adrenalin rushes and pain. But there was so much more to it than just those, it was the space I was in. Not many could help me with that up there, and it wasn't something you just advertised in the local paper for or shouted in the street. This being before the age of chat in the net world, and hooking up online. Yes we did have a few of us that knew who we were, and I learned from a select group of wonderful people from near my home of the do's and don'ts. This is where I was trained in the Old Guard ways.... to must delight of many when I got older. But I also learned of who I was at that time, and explored. I was very much a needle/poky girl back in my child to teen years, and I grew to something far beyond that as time went on. I don't think I would be where I am today if I hadn't had that time to  blossom and become, not if it was all in my face like a kid in the candy store. And I am very happy and lucky to have had the time to explore with all that I could, and with whom when I could. I remember my first girlfriend before I was 11, though I had been with a girl even before that. I'm still shocked my parents never caught on to whom I was that one Hollows Eve when I went as half man half woman, I was 8/9 and my sitter helped me with the costume. Yes she knew, and was open and honest with me about things if I asked.... but only if I asked. As funny as that is, she was a bi fem. Life is funny that way.

Being such good friends with this ex lover of mine now as we found each other in such a wonderful place (Fetlife) makes me smile. They are happy in their life, married for a second time to finally the right person... who is their sub/bottom. They make a wonderful loving couple. And Knowing that we will always be such great friends, no matter what. We can look back on our past and smile, and remember  how good life was then..... and some not so good.... but also see how good it is now. That lover of mine is now more Leather than ever, which makes me happy... and finally I can talk to them about my life and all that is in it... Yippee! Share ideas, and everything that is going on. And some day, I hope, get together with their sub, and just hang. Kinda like we did way back when, with no pretence, and knowing that we are such great friends..... and always will be.

Thank you friend for all that you were, and still are. You still make me smile when I think back in time, as many others do from then. Just wanted you to know that. And yes life isn't always peaches and cream, but if we stop to smell the roses.... we can still hear the songs that they sing.

Isn't life funny that way......

Sunday, August 22, 2010

We're Not in Kansas Any more Toto

Yes I did change the look of it in here.... I thought it was time for a change. I've cut off my mane just to touching the shoulders, and changing a few things around me.... and for some reason just changing a few looks in some thing. And my blog happened to be one of them. Hope it looks wonderful, as it isn't going any where for a while. No, not a depressive thingy going on in this one.... I love the pic. One of life's best forces at work, and there is no stopping it. Electrical currents coming from the sky, sharpening the water below ( or rather what once was water). Nature.

So I haven't posted for a long while. First off I haven't had a working laptop for a long while, which made it hard to keep posts up and running. Second, life has taken over my pervy life in many ways. And sometimes one has to put the pen down for a while, and just make notes elsewhere when there is time. My focus has been on other obsticals, and ce la vie. Just have to keep living, and putting one foot in front of the other... and smile while doing so.

I'm sitting here in my Granda Jessie's house in Salem...... listening to Portus Head right now, as it's their turn on my mp3. This is the start of month 4 of being here, with just coming back from a month break from being back home in Van BC. I am missing home up there so much, and even more due to the wonderful eve that Gem has planned for the revelers at Rascals tonight. *sigh*. Have tried to take the day off of everything, though it didn't work all day.... worked in the back yard... and then was bored all over again. I haven't stopped since I got back down here a week ago, and I think this is how my body has adjusted. Up far too early in the morning, and no matter how early we were up.... still can't get to sleep till late in the eve.  And if I'm not running around like an ant less a butt, I'm off to Seatle for the day, or Manmoth, or gawd knows where.... traveling away from here no less.  I have become the frequent train rider, if there is such a thing. Never thought that would happen. Now is there a "Mile High Club" for trains? That I do want to know. There have been some hot chicks on the train these past couple of runs, and one guy I might just flirt with just for the fun of it. He was kinda cute, young though... but cute. :). If I could have taken a pick of this one girl, omg.... I would have blown it up and put that on the ceiling. She was hot. Funny, as you don't come across too many like that on the train around here. And yes, I have flirted with a few of them. It has been fun.

It's sort of difficult to think of any thing from that subject when thinking of all what I am here for. Takes all the fun out of it all, and then you wonder is it worth it. Not in the mood for much of anything in that direction, would rather just be..... or maybe, just maybe, float myself for some release. Now that would be sweet, a few pokies stuck in me, that would make my year. Some day soon I am sure. Especially since I've had to move twice, and then have to deal with my dad stuff, and take care of granny too. Yup.... any kind of holiday would be good, and poky is a holiday.
I did bring my whip down with me again. So at least I can get in some practice while here, and see how the new thumb is doing with that.... as long as I don't hurt it too much in the  yard. And will head out to see some friends around this state again soon, and ya never know what will happen. I am going to try to see what I can fit in with my truly busy schedule, as it already has me going non stop. Makes me wonder who is the lawyer, and who is doing all the research and gathering... hmm.

I do believe there is song in there somewhere... I fill find it.

Well finally tired. Finish "Days OF Miss D's Lives" tomorrow.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Good bye 2009...... and all that loss.

It is only part way through the first month of this year 2010. So much happened last year, and certainly not all that great. Yes there were positives and greatness, including the wonderful people that were in my life. But as with that does come sadness, and yes it rained. Not just for me though, all too many that I know had a hard year as well. I am hoping and praying that this new years brings not only happiness and warmth, but love and so much more to make us happy and healthy.

I miss my brother. I am not in a good place with that, and not sure how to deal with it. Shitty accident, and all too soon for him to leave this place. It has only been a few months, but it still like it just happened. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way, and I know how hard it has been on so many to deal with. Family, friends, and riders alike.... so many I know have a heavy heart. I am thinking for me right now what makes it so much worse than it should be is the fact I couldn't make it up for his memorial, and I should have been there..... It was important that I was. I can't turn back time, and I don't think I would want to. But I can certainly say that I wish this was not so, and that I had gone for a visit sooner. :(
Out of the light of that someone did survive. My very good friend, for whom I will always have a special place in my heart for, did come out of this. Bent, broken, and very bruised... but he did. It takes a will to live to go through what he had, and more soul to keep going on. The gods saved him for a reason, and I am truly thankful for this. I know his daughter needed him, and so did his partner. This is a shining light on what was a grey cloud.

We have lost many other great and wonderful close friends and loved ones since then.... and before. Some closer than others, some I wish I had given them the thanks for all that they did for me... for the drive that they had influence on.
Catherine.... I thank you for you being you. You were a true loving person, with a heart and soul of gold. You made everyone feel like someone, and that smile radiated for miles. I loved working with you on events, and the small talks we had. I will miss those moments, though not forgotten. I know you watch over your loved ones, and are protecting them from all that you can. You were an angel here, and are one wonderful one now. Missing you.
That loving ex of mine...... well one of them, though this one no longer here with us. Shortly before Catherine, you left this plane. I will never forget all that we had together, all that was and might have been, and that bond that we had. Never are forgotten the great wonderful times spent just being together, spending time outside of everyone else around us. Never forgotten are those loving moments that were shared only between us, never forgotten the soft words that you spoke to me last. You were one of many that made an impact in my life, though of few men I allowed into my soul. Thank you  for understanding where I needed to be, and whom with. Thank you for knowing me.
I lost a few other friends that were close to me in my life.... and I had a few close friends lose loved ones out of theirs. Non of these are out of mind, non have been pushed aside, and always a large loving hug to those in need and more. That was 2009, and a hard year to process. This last year will not overshadow my true love gone 8 years now, and I still have a hard heart. But I am moving on in life, and had started to let love back in this past year. Thank you for the strength that you gave me, and the tenderness of not only your gaze on me but your touch.

Now I have many a love still here with this world. No I am no longer with them, but it does not lesson the feelings that I had or have for them. There was so much brought to me and put in my life in the way of caring and love in 2009, I didn't expect what became of the start of it..... and saddened by the end. When there is such loss, it makes it difficult to look what can become somewhere else. This not being the first loss for me, in any form, it never get easy no matter of the situation. I still care, and never will cease.

I didn't have too many projects on the go till now. The end of the year, with many an influence, brought on so much more in my life as to where I can go and what I can do. I look forward to what is ahead, as there is so much bright and light there.  So much can be done, and much will. But more others will benefit than I, unless you count what less of weight I will carry upon my head in a couple of months. :) It's thoughts like this that make me smile, and always drive to continue on. I love my life, I love living it, and I look forward to what is around the corner for me in 2010. It may not all be peaches and cream, but it is my life to live.

Welcome new year.... welcome. I am thankful for so much in my life, I wake every day thinking on this. I am thankful for all those who came into my life this past year, those who re-appeared, and yes even those losses. It was a life lesson to live, no matter. I am thankful for all this life gives me, as I have something to look to everyday......