What's in the air today? Energy abound.

Not sure what is up in the energies.... but wow.

*insert song Purple Rain, due to the fact that Wayne Brady was doing a comedy to it earlier and is not stuck in my head. Though a very fitting song for today, as it is how I feel these last few days.

I am up at a rude hour unable to sleep. There are quite a few things churning through my head, as there usually is.... but far to many for this time for even me. I went to bed thinking of a few thoughts, including of what had put a damper on my mood this afternoon. Still unable to pinpoint what it is, knowing something is wrong with someone out there that I know and probably care about. Grrrr. Of course asking the four directions for direction and hopefully visual on what is happening, no matter what that may be. I am hoping by the time I do get my eyes closed, that this will all come to me.

I had such wonderful thoughts going through my brain after all that. Everything that had gone on throughout the week, people I had talked to, things I had done... things I will be doing. Whats-her-face I'd like to fuck, and so-n-so I am going to see in the next couple days. All good stuff, plus so much more. I even had past memories of that one last big fling I had the last year that I lived in my home town, before I moved to live with the hubby in our new home. And wow, what wonderful thoughts came up with that. Whip cream and coco sprinkles that had snagged me, electrical taped together in a paper bad dropped on my counter at work with purpose. lmao, ya those were the days. And what wonderful pervy sex it was, beautiful music those months were. Tons of fun and laughter, partying with the guys and gals, the band and bands.... sweeeeeeet. And how we have reconnected lately, and how well he is doing with his now second wife and doing absolutely fabulous. And has gone from that sound man geek almost leather, to all leather music motor cycle riding kinky dude. Wicked! Can't wait to spend time just chattin it up with him, and talking about the old days and the peeps in our lives from back then. Wow. Wish I could still sing up a storm like that, haven't filled him in on my jaw as of yet. Not sure how to do that one, kinda bad news bear thingy that I don't want to do. How do you tell your sound man that you can't sing like you used to, not in a band anymore...... can't hear tones.... Grrr. hmmm. That's for another day I guess.

Of course I went to the thought of conversations to be had with other people. Planning them out, as I know they will be good. Explaining certain things, but knowing all is understanding. Hoping that nothing in between is lost there, and that future endeavors are still thought about.

As well about a friend who has a bump on the head. Needing certain foodies, and how to get that to them. I know and understand how they feel, and wish I could be of more help. Love my friends, love the people around me, want to help when I can.... it's that whole pay it forward thing in me.

Then it all went to my appointment today. As of course most of this is in positiveness mode. And how my doc asked about positive things happening in my life lately, and all were so minor that I couldn't come up with a really big one for him. Meh. But I thought of one as I lay there.... I chopped off a foot of hair, which is a big thing for me. But it went rather downward spiraling from there, as there was a negative that went with it. When at my fab hairdresser's, whom I love to bits, there was a notice on how much truly wasn't cut off this time. After all was done, she pointed out on the floor how much really wasn't there even after that whole foot came off. And that hit me like a ton of bricks just this nite, not then - to which I think is a good thing now. The reason for not having as much on the floor, I have lost half of my head of hair these past few years with my health prob. It just goes unnoticed by everyone; not just because it is long and I try to keep it full looking, but because what I do have is rather healthy. And Jackie stated it is probably the healthiest thing on my body, as she knows what all is going on with me. And she is right in some aspects of that, and I am laid out by that. The lady next to me wondered how long it took me to grow my hair as long as it was, and I replied not that long at all..... as unique as I am, it takes almost half the time as the average person to grow my hair out. But I only have half a head, which is killing me inside.

Have the skin patches (granuloma annular), have the foodie problems, heck even be hurting and tired all damn day long..... but shit leave my fricking hair alone!

People have asked me when and if I have been tied up by my hair. Lil rope bondage with the ol hair do, and there was a time I would have jumped up and did my usual "pick me pick me" routine. But now I'm to darn scared to, as I probably will rip more out in the process and can't afford that. Leaves my kink down to only a few things now a days...... lots and lots of needles, tattoos, some rope bondage, sex, kinky sex, really dirty sex, more needles and sharpie things, and maybe a whip or two. And anything else I can think of that won't damage too deep, or take too long to heal and/or make to deep a bruise. What ever I can pass by my dermatologist, and make him happy. lmao. Not gonna take all that to the immunologist, I would probably give him a heart attack with the full list. And of course, what I do love doing, torturing and tantalizing all those bottoms with wonderful things in my toy bag. hehehehehehe.

Sooooooooooooo. When I go back in a couple months, and get that other foot cut off....... do I perm it first, then think about it? Or do I just cut, and maybe go really short and just say Phuk it? Or do I just trim it, and keep yelling and screaming at it cause I can't handle the fact of what it is doing, and what I can't do with it? I can donate it, that I can do. To which is a thought in the back of my over run brain. So if you see me in the new year rather pixie'd out, don't be shocked please..... be happy for whom ever got the hair that THEY needed more than I did. Because there is a wonderful woman out there who has lost all of her hair due to a treatment, and I can handle helping her out because I can't get mine. She is in worse shape than me. At least I still have some roots left. That is what will always keep me going. And my friends who make me smile. .... and maybe that one who can handle sticking a few hundred needles in me for an afternoon or eve. muah!

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Now if I could only stop this sniffling, I could get over this hair thing and maybe get some sleep already. lmao. *shakes head* what a ninny I am. It's only hair.

Perfectly Pervy Precepts For Another Day.... Maybe

I was thinking a few things in the last couple of weeks. Not just what I was wanting, but what I was missing. Of course lately I had been needing certain things in my life, and one being needles. And that I was approaching someone to fulfill that for me. But then I have had something completely change that.

I got to thinking about all the great pervy parties that were about to come up soon. And then I got to think about whom I was going to be playing with, woo hoo. But then I also got to thinking about a few other subjects as well, and that probably should have been left at the back of my head. Really. And then today solidified it all. Honestly what have I been doing lately besides trying to mend a friendship with an ex slave, and hoping that we could just keep something going. As he had put it a while back... casual. Though there was no way I would play with him casually, it would be one way or no way with me. I am not that kind of person to do so, and I am sure he had figured that out. But certain things had come out of their mouth lately that had pissed me off, and it made me say and do things that I am sure mad them mad as well. But their actions have been uncalled for, sadly they don't see it.

Now I am no saint. I have never said I was, and never will profess to be one. I have my faults, and I am actually happy to have some. But when it comes to your own actions, pls recognize them when they are pointed out to you. Don't think that you are just being attacked, and that all the blame is just being posted onto you, it's not. But remember that it does take two to tango, and I just don't mean in sex either.

But in a sad way this has led me to truly think about my role here in this lifestyle. Am I who I really am. I have been walked over lately, and made to jump to for someone who is lower than me. So it has made me think I am not who I am, and I don't feel right. I haven't for weeks now, and I want to turn and run. Of course this doesn't help that I am so severely ill right now, and should be in VGH right now getting over this virus I have. And it doesn't help that I still am not getting over this flare, as it just seems to be getting worse. And to me it seems people are playing off of that, take advantage in a way if they know how to. And nothing else seems to be going in the right direction, including when a brother dies I can't go running right away to deal with things. Not right, not in my books.

So if I don't feel like me... who am I.

I've decided that maybe I shouldn't be nothing. I should just leave this lifestyle all together, and just be. It doesn't seem to be the right place to be in right now, as I have been so hurt in the last few years. These people know I have been hurt, but yet they seem to love hurting me even more. I am wondering if they are getting off on it, hurt her some more and see if she blows this time. Get in with her, make her really want you need you, love beating you, maybe even love you.... and then leave her. Yes, that is the way to do it. Hurt her good, as she is that type of girl ya know. But this girl can only take so much, and I have had my limit. Done done done.

So see ya.

I think I have done it. Or rather you have all done it for me. My chapter is done here, and I could give a shit when I start a new one up. I can thank a few people for this, but why mention names. I am sadly living with one right now, and one decided after grabbing my heart that he didn't want my hand on his throat any more. And of course there were all the ones prior. But why look back further. I am done.

So good luck to you all. I wish you all the best. Hope that you find something out of this all that I didn't, and maybe I will see you somewhere done the road. That is if I mend.

Does this do me any better than I was before? I am not sure, and I will not know until I actually walk down this path I am on. I don't think trying to leave this lifestyle is doing me any justice, as I have tried this experience before. And what I should do is reflect on what I have been doing, the negative ways I have taken up with these people in my life.... and change it. I have let these people drain me, take over what was best in me. And I have to stop it as of now. If I don't, there will be nothing left. I have let too many walk over me, and use me. This is no more, and they can walk their own plank thank you very much.

If these people think that they are going to get the better of me..... look to someone else. I have decided to find the positive place and person I used to be, and go in that direction again. If say that last boy I had in my life wants back, there has to be changed in his life.... not mine any more. I am looking to a new light, and a new way..... and everyone else can find that map. No more are they taking me into that negative space, no more are they walking over me. No more. Now.

For now I heal. For now I am me. For now I do what I need, just to gain what it is is me, and what makes me whole. And to heck with what other may think or perceive. I am walking my path, and that is what counts.

Ta for now.

Pervy precepts for another day.

Taking a Deep Breath.....

Tonight I connected with an old friend. It was his BDay just last week, and haven't talked to him in almost a year it seems. WOW. We used to get together for almost weekly lunches down the hill when I lived in the Burbs, and I always looked forward to those. And of course, there were those few times that we did play. Only a few though, as he had a few extra kinks that I just wasn't into. And ya know, that's okay with me. But he did teach me a couple things about myself, and that I really did love breath play. I was reminded of this as we chatted, and how all these things can come about when chatting with an old player/friend again.

Now breath play can be a hard limit and very loving for anyone. For me for many years it was a complete hard limit, just due to events that happened in my past. There was no way that there were hands going around this neck, no way no how. But of course I did have that last Master of mine take control of me by doing so, and well.... ya He did. There was no saying no there, and He had control. He didn't take my breath as in not letting me breath, He just took me.

But my wonderful friend took my breath during play. Now this wasn't putting hands around my throat, nor a bag over my head either. Just at the right time, when it seemed like I was about to peek..... He wrapped His arms around my chest and hugged really hard. And as I lost the wind, I went away. And when I came back..... I flew. Now that was a flight for the first time I would never forget, not in a million years if I live this life out so. And I hope to take to the next, and so on. And for each time He did this in each play, I couldn't wait. It is as if you are waiting to to go to Dairy Queen, knowing that your going to get the Peanut Buster Bar Parfait (but with peacans instead of peanuts). And your almost peeing your panties in anticipation on the way there, and the traffic is going at a turtles pace. No road rage, just not fast enough for you to get there. Even though that is what makes that parfait all that more delectable. The wait, and the taste afterwards.

Nummy.

My roles in life have changed of course since we last were together. And things have changed in his life as well, as he has found the finer things in life can also be found being at the bottom as well. I admire him for this, as not many Tops go this route. Not only are they not comfortable doing so, they just won't. This is just something that is a rarity, unless they have been there already. Have known it, like and loved it, and want to go there again due to missing it. Most would call this switching, and others in my circles call this confused. I call it as I see it when I come across that person, it is what they are when they are there at that moment in time. Not everyone adheres to a code of conduct in this lifestyle that we live by, many are light when it comes to this. Though I live by an Old Guard Leather living, doesn't mean everyone does.

Yes... I have crossed over to the Dark Side. And to most of the people I know, I can never go back. Darn. It's not to say that I can't have a very good friend with whom I trust explicitly to poke me full of hole with needles, and of course there is always the pain side of tattoos and piercing in itself. I will be a fully bonified Sadomasochist. Never will change, to one side or the other. But I am very Sadistic. I wouldn't be able to come up with the ideas I do if I wasn't, nor would I be able to take what I do either. So I have my own balance, and that is within me. Though I am not under the flogger twice a week as we speak, but I do have my own way of dealing with life.

I have met the most wonderful pain bottom since I was with this wonderful friend of mine that loves to have my hands wrapped around his neck. And what really makes me delighted, is that I love doing this for him. Though it has been a while that I have done this, and I would do almost anything to wrap them around that neck right now. It is almost calming being on the upper side of the hand, to have that control and power over how the story goes. To see where they go, and take them on their journey. And if all goes well, join them on that flight. Of course he is not the only bottom/slave I have played with in this last year, but so far the one that has taken the farthest leap off the edge. All have been hard players, and huge pain sluts. But non other than he has had my hands around their necks, and that I find a privilege.

Some day soon I hope to again. Just when he is peeking to wrap my hands around that now prickly neck, watch as his eyes go wild with arousal and fear. And watch as he goes into flight, and just sores..... Feel that body join in what is happening in his head, and feel the vibrations.... all that I felt only a few years ago. Let him tell a story as he journeys off to another place, and float with him and be there when he comes down. There is nothing like that feeling, and nothing like floating with them.... nothing like joining in on that, and knowing where they are going to.... that happy place that makes one feel so safe and warm. Pure ecstasy. And for some reason, for many, breath play is one of the purest forms to get there.

And I understand why.

Tis The Season To Be Beaten

It is getting closer to that time of year for me. Though for many it is still a couple months a way, and others do celebrate the same as I do. All Hallows Eve is my Day, and I like to spend it as if it were my xmass. Weird yes, but true to form for sure. That day means more to me sometimes that any other day of the year, as for the better part we actually all got together to celebrate something. Not just the blood family, to whom I could only call a few true family members to me. But the people in my life true family members as well. It was also those days that for just a few days out of the year, that everyone around me (including my parents) were smiling and having just plain fun.

Of course I do celebrate Yule. But that is entirely different to what people today consider 'Christmas', and it goes on for days.... not just one flippin day of giving and taking prezzies. Yule to the better part of the world is just being, and being with people you care about. And of course eating, and bringing in food to eat with them. That is if you can afford of course, as not everyone can. And if you can, give a lil gift wrapped in a gold (brown) and/or red package to those who are near and dear to you. And not about getting something from others, and who can outdo whom in the prezzie department. Personally prezzies are done on Hallow's Eve, and then at the end of Yule. So there can generally be a few confused people in my circle of friends on my list of lovies, but I love the look when they get someone from me in January. Makes me smile.

But of course with all this comes some Perfectly Pervy Parties. Dead Sexy is at the end of this month, to which I am looking forward to very much. Maybe I can get those Bday beatings into davyd finally, as I know he so wanted them. I tried to get a party together for him, but all I got was bitch bitch bitch about it. So I gave up on that, even though he talked about having an all out beat on him. There was no chance of having that, as he made no plans on going to anything for this to happen. It made me wonder what was going on through his head, and what he actually wanted. Now I think I should hold off on his bday prezzie as well, as I don't think all of it is appropriate to give to him either. Maybe part of it, but not both. As I hope to still salvage what we have as a friendship, I don't want to drive him away either. Makes one think. But do I really want to beat the living &^%#@#$$%^ out of him right now, and give him that happy feeling he so does deserve for all that he has done for me. Love ya hun. Wonder if he will get to have any play time in while working at the party, he is doing security.... probably not. Grrrr. *sigh*

I've learned a lot since this last couple of months have gone by. I've had a lot of time to think a few things over, and look into the perspective of it all. Why this, why that. Though yes, there was an outside influence to all of this ending crap, but we also let it happen.

I can look at how from the beginning men ran out on my life (my dad left my mom.... or rather my dad couldn't handle the whole family tied down crap, so left for a freer life. kind of a take it or leave it... he left it.), and how that still affects me today. And when I find that a man in my life can't take what is happening around me, and I give him an ultimatum...... Well, if he can't stand the fryer.... And of course I gave the one person that I cared about that choice, who I shouldn't have done that to, and I did wrong in that perspective. But now is finding a way to stop that bad habit if there is a way, and maybe finding a way to stop that bad habit of the other person in this whole story. lol. Ya a long stretch.

I look to the future in different ways. I look at what I want and need, and what is best for me as well. I know that there are certain things that I will never be able to live without, and that there are some things that I can pass by. But for the better part of me, I will always be this pervy person, always be wanting something out of it all...... always be this .... (as he described me) Bisexual Dyke. Yes. Love womyn. Gawd I love them, everything about them. But I can't seen to leave that dick behind, for some stupid lil reason. I could do without the body attached, or rather what has been attached in the past. I guess it would be redundant if there was no body attached in my case, as I just can't keep that one up. I am that type of person that needs another person there.... no matter what is going on. Plain masturbation by one's self get rather lonely and boring after a lil while, and isn't me.

But I am thinking this is a whole other story for another time. ... maybe a pervy one.

In retrospect I have loved and lost a few in my life so far. There are only two that have truly touched my heart, and one is not my ex husband. Though I did love the guy, he just didn't get there. Of course the first person that truly touched my heart can't be here, and that is a travesty. I miss him dearly, and he will always be a part of my heart... never forgotten. As for the second.... Well, all I want to do is beat his ass as hard as I can and then some, drive my knee into him till he can't stop cumming, poke holes in him making pretty designs, cut him up till there is no more space on him left unchecked, wrap my hands around that throat of his while he hits that peak and take his breath away and beyond, make him scream for mercy but beg for more.... and yet have that tender hand of his on my when I need it. But best of all, have a friend in him. And someone to eat sussi... ooops sushi with, and take those nice walks where ever with.... even the mall to pick out the best co-ordinating outfit for the event coming up. It's all about style, not just about the leather. And hit the beach and park with, and toss the frisbee around. And yes, go on a picnic when it's not raining or below 5c.

So you are wondering why I have babbled on about all of this in three different directions now..... Well, I have a ton of things going on in my lil brain at the slowest of times. And when I have a thought promenading through, I have to get something out at least one or two of them. And of course All Hallows Eve is coming up, with parties and handing out candies as well. And what to do with that time. And all those pervy thoughts with the parties to follow soon, and how to spend them. What is a gal to do. Just let it all gather and churn..... or look for perspective........ In the hopes that maybe someone out there has a thought on this all.

Sweet Balls of Fire

Sent: Oct 4, 2009 3:00 PM
Subject: Sweet

After being so down and sad not only losing a brother, but not being able to go up for everything really stung. So today I have a different feeling going on.

I still am sad over it all. But to say the least I am in a blissful mood, and can enjoy what this past weekend and today has brought me in replacement. Not only did I get to watch some fabulous entertainment; I ran into people I hadn't seen in a while, and met many I have always wanted to and admired. Which included the famous Betty Desires, and spending the whole even with this crowned Queen of Bellingham was an honour and so much fun. She does so much down south, including running her own paper, and is the official greeter at ITW, and has done so much more over the years that I could sit here and list for an hour. Truly an amzing person to not only know, but to look up to in the leather community, and the gay/drag community. May hats off to her. I can't wait to spend some more time, and collaberate in the future.

Now for the stepping down Mr n Mrs Gay Vancouver... Congrats. You both had a most wonderful year, and deserve all the accalation that you receved and then some. You were beautiful all week, and shawn last night (and Brent way into this morning, lol). Jackie: you are fabulous! I love how you take a room, and comand all around. And when the water flows, that spakle still stays strong - just like you. Thank you for being you, your beautiful and I'm happy to know you.
Brent: you rock! Even til 5am. You stand tall when it's needed, and return those hugs just like a good friend always does. I'm happy to call you a friend, and look forward to future colaberations (plot, plan, conieve, shhhhh he's behind you). So caring, and still the man when needed. Yes, you are you.
Hugs to you both again. Thank you.

Of course now that we are supposed to be at the hotel right now helping with tear-down of the ball room from last nite. You Brent are visiting a friend briefly, and I wait to walk with you to plot and plan so more. And I'm sure there are a few people swearing at us for not being there right now, but that is what happens. It's for a good reason, and we can be fashionable for a change I think.
Slow down now for the week.

I don't think for now anything can top this week. I'm happy, though sad from other events, I'm happy. I think there was a reason for me not making it north, I will figure it all out soon enough.
Til then....
I will keep this inside. Hold on to what I have, and look forward to a more happy and possitive future.

I posted this today, though I wrote this on Sunday while waiting for the wonderful Brent to return back. so we could proceed to help with tear-down at the ball. Though we were slightly late, all was good. I loved the walk and talk, and that is what counted.

Attempted to but it didn't work: Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network