Thursday, September 25, 2008

What part doesn't hurt?

Finally made it to the pool on this last monday. wow.

Thinking to myself as i am walking to the pool in my neighborhood 'it is about time.' It had been far too long that i had been in the water it seemed, and needed that tranquility..... especially after the day before. There a few things weighing on my mind, and many more taking over my mind yet again. In a way taking it over yet again, or rather a reversal of what i had worked so hard this last month or so to get by.Though as i am still feeling the affects today....... i do believe i pushed myself just a wee bit too hard. On tuesday my legs and arms were quite sore, even a muscles in my right side. And yesterday my thighs still haven't let up, or rather had gotten worse. So walking is a bit of a chore in some ways, and this is not good in my books. i had plans on going back to the pool yesterday........ ummmm, i didn't. i may be a pain slut, but not that much of one. i value my body, and don't want to hurt it a way that would harm it beyond repair again. But then, maybe pushing as hard as i did was a small form of hurting myself, but not so much. i swam about the same amount of hours (2 or so), and probably the same laps, but just harder and faster.... and probably did more of certain strokes than others. Someone stop me now.But i am still wondering what is hurting more this week... from last... my body or my jaw. The icecream companies are making a good buck from me these days. pfffffft.

Speaking of jaw.... i am thinking i might head off to jam on sunday. Not only missin the boys, missin singing as well, music in general. Doubt it very much i will get up and jam, as i am completely out of practice (and rather sore in the face). But it is always great to be with, and just listen in on, maybe make plans to get in on a practice for a change. Been far toooo long. Exercise that jaw. lol. Yes, in other ways than suckin boys/men.

Chores and wine to do this week into weekend..... but then i think i actually might get into some wood work, and leather work for something to do. i have a tad too much molec-bio in my head, and need to get my mind off of it. If anything, i definately will always make the perfectly pervy toys. i do have that lil sadist in me, and can always cum up with ways for us lil ones to be tortured. hehehehehehehehehehehe. shhhhhh. i have some wicked feathers here to work with as well, bought them a year ago and still haven't used them for anything yet.... bad me bad me.

Now that i got my lil mind on all of those wonderful subjective objects.... i'm craving pineapple. i do believe yoko and i will be feasting tonight, lucky bird. Just too bad that the weather is so ill fitting these days, the only walk-a-bout he is getting is in the house. i know he would rather go and check out the yard, and chit chat about what ever is in that lil brain of his about things out side. He is just too cute, and i know one day he will go for one of my earings..... hope it doesn't hurt too much.

Speaking of body is in such a state right now, that my last nipple piercing is pushing. Grrrrr. So unless i can get everything mended and level soon, i think i will be losing another one. pffffft. Not kewl. Of course that had to start after sunday, and that is the kick in the butt i don't need. This puts even a bigger pout on this face, really don't want to lose this one..... and over something that has to do with ...............body stress. Ya, that's it.:-/

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Where does the time go, where do i go from here......

Where does it all go... and where do i turn next from this hiatal.

11 years and 3 days have gone by now. Some times it feels like it was just last year, and then it feels like it was so many years ago. Mom's day was on Thursday, and it went by faster than it has in any year prior. i did manage to spend that day with a good friend, which picked up my spirits and put a smile on my face. It definately was a good day to 'be', and i wouldn't have picked another place to be at that time. Though usually i spend it with those few woman friends of mine down at the ocean's edge, flowers in hand, sending out a loving hello to our dearly departeds of that horrendous decease. Then as always, stopping by a tap house and toasting to not only their lives, but our own. Celebrate my mom had said, keep on living for not only me but "yourself". Wise words spoken by a woman who learned to live to late, in an eruditely way that made even myself smile in a hard time. As i sit here trying to forgive those times that i should have sat down with her more often, listened to what she had to say just a tad more, and not run every time we clashed. But wishing in a longing way that i could have shared my life with her, praying that she wouldn't judge who i am and what i may do in life. Wwe all live and learn, some times just a lil late in life.

Of course after i ponder all of this that is weighing on my lil heart...... it makes me think of what is here and now. The last month and a half have not been the best of times, and certainly not something i would want to repeat or wish on anyone. Yes i have had a beautiful time with a few great loving friends, and this has replaced for the most part so dark light in my lil world. But i do realise that i am not going to get out of this shadow any time soon, no matter how adamant i can be.... and i can be fairly stuborn if given half a chance. Today proved my point quite clearly, and even took me back a few steps from where i had actually taken myself to. All it took was a simple lil phrase, even though it was followed by a jokingly undertone, it did it's damage. Now i realise that i can't be within certain situations that could have a effect on myself, and avoiding all that i have has been good idea thus far.

After a few hours of my eyeliner slipping away i sit here in preceptual space. Many a thought has gone through my head, and i am unsure of which one to listen to. i have lost faith in a certain set of 'Things', and not completely sure if i will ever gain that trust back. There have been too many times of being spaded, and now just being left to drown in a off sence has me not wanting anymore. i can't shake this odd and weird feeling that is flowing through my body, and now having gone back in time what is there to gain. As i have sat here staring at my dress kollar in all it's beauty, wondering if ever i will want this or any around my neck again. i peer over to a collection of canes and implements standing up in full glory, do i ever want those to ever kiss me again. Looking up at all the perfectly pervy products laying around this room and hanging on the walls, wondering if ever these will make me tingle just one more time.... instead of producing fear and tear. Will time tell, will being with another mend, will changing who i am be the answer. Makes one think just a tad too much, especially when i should have my face in a manual studying.

i hope the Munch and Brunch to come up put a spring back in my step. i could use the laughter, and definately the comradery. And just hope that there are no words or phrases that put me back in step and time, and all should be just wonderful. And if i all if good (will not use that good *** phrase), i might be able to spend some time with that most blessed friend some time later in the week as well. Get in some cuddles, maybe some sushi, saki and a movie. Now that puts a smile on this lil face, wonders never cease.

Get to the pool tomorrow!!!! i have been so bloomin busy these last couple of weeks, that i have not had the time for a dip. Meditation in a couple hundred lengths is a good way to get rid of stress, and not drown if lucky. Maybe by the time i crawl out of the water i will have everything in perspective, and not feel so negative about certain ways and objects as i do now. As for a certain people, that is different.... not sure where to go there or how to deal with that feeling as of yet. Time, time will tell. They know that.

Shower time..... and hopefully a full nights sleep, and not waking at 6 am.

Busy Times Need Down Times (where's the perv)

Finally after a very busy few weeks some down time.

The last several weeks seem like to have gone by like a freight train some days. There were some very busy days in there, and not enough just 'being' days in my liking. Lectures almost every week, classes, a few meetings, hunting, being there for good friends (to which i would do any time), life even got in the way somewhere, don't forget a few vampire days.... friggen vamps and docs, and even managed to get in a lil perv. woo hoo.What i didn't manage to get in the last couple of weeks (going on three now, omg) is the pool. Pfffft. There was just not enough time in the day for it, or not enough days in the week..... what ever fits in there better. Maybe i am getting punished for not being pervy enough, though i did get my perv on a few times. i even managed to get sauced a couple of times as well, omg don't mix wine and beer (very slow the next day). This coming from a whiskey girl, gotta love that whiskey.

So now from being too busy and on the go... especially in the last week.... i get to miss a few things in the next couple of days. Now that blows!!!! Missed a great party last night, because i was partying on saturday.... and a few other things were fit in during the day - and i probably shouldn't have. And yesterday was running around booing at houses, all over the place it seemed like, but just too much walkin up hills and what nots i ponder...... just not enough pervin in my books. Now if i was tired from pervin out this weekend, then it would have been worth it to miss the play party last night. Even though i did get my groove and perv on a few days ago (chapter 3 or 4), still trying to keep my body in the kilter from the off kilter it was left in not that long ago. That still doesn't make up for the wonderful pervin and playin that happens at a full on play party, even if it was at a private play party. Then i think about what it is going to be like when it isn't just several lectures a month and a few classes and/or conferences, and i am back full time..... what am i going to do them???? omg:-/

Now that this week is almost over i can look forward to a almost day of rest today. Have some study to do (ok, tons), meet someone later on, maybe get in a swim if i am into it, and get to emails that i have left aside for the whole week it seems. Sorry to those whom i have not gotten back to yet, been busy lil girl here.Think about what is coming ( or rather cumming ) up in the next week. hehehehehehehe. There is a few things i am truly looking forward to, some a tad more than others. Munch if i get back from day trip soon enough, consult, and yes..... hehehehehe... pervy things am most positive. Not only do i enjoy this, but of course it is a necessity. And then, if all goes well, some great times with some most wonderful friends. you know who you are...... i do believe one is in the middle of trying to quite a bad habbit, and i support them all the way. Huggers. Oh yes, get in swims, omg some swims. i feel so at peace in the water, i need to swim.

If i am not getting a whip kissing my lil bottom, i need to get in that water. Just Be.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

i wasn't dreaming on photo night.......

Chapter 1:

The first time started out as a night of just dinner, wine and a light photo session for them........ but it turned into so much more. (this is going to be a good one, i am going to get myself a glass of red to sit and re-enjoy this with Yyou)

That first night started out with the same expectations as anyone would think that one would plan out. Yes i am coming over for dinner and a lil vino or two, and yes i would love to take some photos for you. Actually, it would be my pleasure to take some kinky photos for you. Nothing else is expected in this, just a good giggle between good friends of old and some good vino and food.... oh yes - pervy pics. i am thinking to myself as i am heading over there what a wonderful time this will be, and it will get my mind off of all the ickiness going on with my mind and body right now. These thoughts are actually putting a smile upon my face, and making me feel happy again. Even though at a moment, just a nano second, i thought i was doing something wrong. As if i hadn't ask for permission, and this was all being done behind someone's back. But that thought and feeling only lasted a moment, and i pushed it away.

The wine was perfect! It not only warmed us up, but it made us laugh and make jokes as if life was rolling along in no direction. we remembered a few from our past, and wondered what Oothers were doing now. we talked about the now, and what was happening in our lives. And we talked about the future, and what we looked forward to in the hopes of some sanity for us both in our wild world of kink. And the food was wonderful, it filled our void as we sat and talked. It wasn't as if it was replacing anything, no not at all. But what it did was compliment what the evening was turning into, and made the wine and chat all that better. (sips more wine)

As time wore on it was decided to finally get into photo mode. So my pervy friend got out all their lil outfits and toys and accessories to go with, even a body harness to my delight. There was quite a lot of leather and latex there to be put on, and a fair amount of leather bindings if one was to get right into it. As we sat there deciding what would be best to start out with, many thoughts ran through my mind. Yes, you could say i was perving over a few things there and thinking.... WOW, this could be fun if there was a Top here. A top and pants were decided upon, with a most engaging enclosed hood for just the right effect. i grabbed a few cow-tie cuffs, and some rope just in case there were some poses that i could get in for art sake. And off to the living room we went, where there were plenty of kinky apparatus to be tied to and hung from. Nummy! (large sip of wine)

Choosing just to get a nice backdrop and some floor pics for now was a great idea. As after that, we could go from there. Set up the lights, set up the background, and set up the scene. (sips more wine) i rub some lubricating agent all over their bodice, just to get that right shine. ( yup, more wine) Place them in just the right position to start with, and get a few starter shots to make sure all is looking good so far. And yes, what a wonderful subject. The lights are set just right, and the camera is perfect in my hands, and away i go. Not sure how many photos i took, but i certainly had some fun. With in all of this making sure my subject did not go thirsty and letting them sip their wine through that black mask, of course sipping mine along with them. their body looked so sleek in that out fit, even with the top off. Just beautiful, and something any Dom/me should be proud to own if They should choose them. If i were one, i certainly would be knocking down this door to get in here and have a whipping or two. (sips a lot more wine)

After many photos were taken and the heat of the light lamps had gotten to us both we decided that was it for the night. Taking the camera to the comp and loading it up to see what all there was, and there were a few good shots in there that could be played with. Not bad i thought, even with the vino in play. we had a good laugh and chat afterwards, and just 'be' as i always like to be when i am relaxed. But noticing the time, and that it was quite late, a different thought ran through my lil head. Not only was it very late and if i were to go i had to now, but i was slightly too tipsy to be going home alone on the train and bus at this hour. Yes, it was the vino. Now me being the practical safe person, i am not going to put myself at risk and do so. So it was decided that i would sleep over, and not worry about where i was going. Grab a t-shirt, and crash..... no big deal. Right? (drinks rest of wine in glass, re-fills with smile on face)

Yes all intentions were to just sleep and keep hands to ourselves. At least that was the point of the t-shirt, and what was going on in our heads at least. But intentions don't always come into fruition, and something else just might. Especially when there are other things going on in one's head, and even when one's life is a lil off kilter and has no straight strings to worry about. Really, that i can think of. Well as Yyou can imagine by now as these words flow from my fingers, so did a few other things in that room that night. Many other things flowed, not just from one person, but from us both. And was it ever most delicious, and delightful. Talk about a great phuck! (drinks half a glass of wine) What really puts a smile on my face right now, and yes there is one, is not only how fun it was... but all that it entailed that made it that great. Now don't get me wrong here, i have had some wonderful phucks this year... and several years past. But this was so different from them all, and in all the right ways, but dirty wrong ways-*wink wink*. Now i am sure Yyou are all thinking in the Ds manner right now, how One goes about phucking Yyour partners. The Top does this, and controls it this way and that. And yes, omg yes, that is wonderful and great in all the right ways.... more than i can say. As that is what i live for and strive for, and cum for..... that is me, and what gets me going going gone. But imagine two subs, all inhibitions thrown out the window, great long time friends, no one to answer to.... phucking. who's on top? who's on the bottom? Wait...... who does what to whom? Does anyone tell anyone what to do, or does it just happen? And is there any of that "ummm, what do we do now?" going on? Or is it just natural, and it just flows like there is nothing to think about. And wait, does one of them decide to take the reins at one point and top a lil..... or even both at one point or another..... *grins*. It's all good in the end, and it all turns out great. But for two subs/slaves, it was a good getting your freak on. (drinks wine glass empty, pours more)

Now not to put anyone to shame here..... but my lil phucking friend is quite well equipped to say the least. So it at times did pose some thoughts and grunts; and when me - who luvs to give head - went in that direction..... my eyes were almost bigger than my stomach. A girl gives it a good 'ol slave try, and wins right down to the bottom. Yes. Though when on top, omg i got to ride!!!!!, i sometimes wondered if i would cum out alive or not. But i certainly could put out a fire if asked, again and again. And that night seemed to never end, and i was quite happy to oblige.

Walking away the next morning after we went out for breakfast with that huge smile on my face and a bounce in my step made me ponder a few things. Was it a dream, and am i going to wake up from this? Was that ever fun, and i hope we do that again. What a great friend he is, and i can't believe after all these years that we did that. Holly cow, if my friends could see me now..... but thank goodness they don't. Nananee boo boo - to a certain few. And i had a very happy stroll to my ride home, with such a great day onward... and week

****end of chapter one of this story. There are a few more to follow yet, and i am sure there will be more. Rather, i am positive. (drinks more wine, and toasts all those out there getting a great phuck).

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Lube, Fire or Ice? But serene and peaceful all the same.

  i was able to watch not just one sunset the night before. But last night's sunset was rather serene and peaceful, and didn't need anything behind it. As i sat there and reflected on the events of late, listening to the music of a lil birdie near by, all i could think was how nice it must be for that sun to be able to turn off and away each day an not have to worry not a thing till the morn. What a life, just to float by each day and shine on the world each day with a smile. Non other to worry of, no other commitments. Already in the fire play mode, lucky sun. And always turned on, not having to worry about foreplay. Of course the whole being hot thingy all the time would have a drying effect, and hence a worlds supply of lube would be in order. This now makes me wonder the type of toy the sun would prefer. Hmmmmmm.


Speaking of ice.........................................hehehehehe.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Just when one thought it was safe to be online and chatting…….

All i wanted to do was chat. Nothing more, nothing less. Friendship is all i ever asked for, if anyone wanted to chat with me…. or be on my friends list of late. Though thinking i had made it perfectly clear, now i am thinking that surely i must have missed something somewhere in the fine print. As it obviously isn’t clear enough to some Doms out there, more so of the males (sorry) than the Fems, that just don’t respect that line that one places in front of the boundary section of my space and circles. Should i have put it in Red, or should i just stop talking to people all together and tell Them all to phuk off all together. Maybe that can be the Appetizer to my profiles from now on, and that will give people an idea of how i feel about people hitting on me…. and yes i did even open up an email in an online community today to find one from even a rather young 21 year old Domme seeking a 24/7 bi femme, not sure why she was barking up my post. Especially if she actually read my profile at any point; not looking for a Dom (of any kind), and she isn’t even close to my age let alone within the age range that i would be seeking for a partner in. Makes me wonder how many people actually passed English………

Now Yyou might be wondering why i am on a ramble on all of this. After i woke this morning at 7:30 am (yes on a Sunday), and still couldn’t get back into the mood i was in yesterday early evening, it got to thinking about certain happenings. i had such a wonderful time gardening yesterday afternoon into the evening, that it put a wonderful relaxing smile on my face. Even though it was mostly pulling weeds and getting ready for the fall, i did cut quite a lot of lavender for braids and my Echinacea is looking perfect hanging out to dry. Afterwards noticing how i wasn’t shaking as much (or rather at all) as i had been for the last couple of months, and feeling truly relaxed as i hadn’t been in a while. Serendipity, a perfect state to be in these days. Then i come in and finish my laundry, other things i was doing, cut up another pineapple (never can eat too much pineapple), eat dinner, and just ‘be’. And after all of that, i decided to turn on the puter for a change as i haven’t for a while for more than a few seconds. i had received a message on IM from a Dom friend of mine back east saying “Excellent,” answering a question i had asked days prior. No big deal, right?

Being the courteous one that i am i answered back. And of course He was online, and Wwe started to chat. Nothing new, and nothing i was too worried about…. as Wwe are friends. Just as the conversation is going, well to my dismay, He starts to pull the Dom part on me. And of course He takes it too far, even after i stated my abhorrent feelings toward this. i have discussed this with Him before in an email, stating that i am not wanting this from Him at any time. He agreed to this, and i have it in print that He would just be friends with me. Where did i read that wrong, or am i just not reading between the lines myself? With Him stating that it will be easy to re-program me, even with Him being so far away. This after i stated that i am needing someone within my area, and someone that can touch me. And to top it all off, He kept on attempting to Top me as if i was His – stating that He is not my Dom! All this accomplished was making me cry, and making me shake in fear from myself. But not just from myself………… from what got me here in the first place, and why i feel like i do. Now I am not going to throw some code of ethics book at this guy, as that would be a moot point now. Not only has He crossed a line, but He has gone against everything that was promised. Wow, where have i seen and heard and felt this before. Makes one truly trustworthy of Tops in general again, and makes one want to go running in the arms and on the whipping post of another. Pick me! Pick me!
There is quite a bit more that goes with this lil conversation though i am not going to get into it. It might be of importance, but i think it is left better unsaid at this point. What does get my nerve is that after i had such a wonderful day yesterday i not only went to bed in a rather contrite mood, for what reason i do not know. Then waking up this early morning with a sense of deep sorrow, knowing i don’t have someone that i know i need to lean on that i can trust in a fashion ‘above’ me. But i also realized why i went to bed with the feelings as i did, and that is not so wonderful a thing. my deepest apologies to all those potential Doms out there, i did not have great thoughts of being Dommed last night…….But this morning was a different thought, which to many regrets of last nights thoughts, brought me to my proverbial knees. Though i still do not strive to be Dommed, i am not thinking towards the same thoughts as i was.

This makes one wonder how many others out there just want to wind up and tell some Dom out there to phuk right off for some certain reason. And i am not speaking in a disrespectful way, in a way that is warranted. i can just see it now all those lil subbies out there with their lil mouths almost getting duct taped for saying what they might truly be thinking, and then feeling remorseful for what might have escaped them. Some times it must be said i am thinking now, as there are just these times that a select group of people/Doms that need to be told something. They over step a line, They go against something that is agreed, They play in your sandbox after you have already said there is already too many people in there….. and there just isn’t enough toys to go around.
But does this mean due to what ‘we’ are that we are forced to yell what we feel into a pillow. Just so it isn’t heard beyond our lips, or even worse heard by our Tops or other Tops. There are times that we are apparently aloud to have a say in some things, even a bit of a mind. hahahahahahahaha. Sorry. Excuse me while I crawl back into the invisible cage of mine (that no one will ever see me in, just in case any of You Doms out there get a brilliant idea of this), and re-think what i just pointed out.

oooooooooooooooo . Rhianna’s ‘Disturbia’ Song is on. Just have to stop and listen to that, and watch that oh so nummy video. i would luv to know who talked her into going to a SM club to get the way this goes, as i can not see her getting all tied up as she did without any knowledge.
i understand what the song is saying…….

So back to being a slave/sub who wants to tell a bunch of Doms out there to phuk right off………… Yes, that is not a good thing, and would get me into a bit of trouble. More than i think i would like to find out with certain people, but i look forward to the reaction of Others.
Does this make me a bad sub? Does this make me a brat? Or does this just make me human? Should i be punished for a feeling? Especially when it comes from a place of hurt and wanting to run. Or should one just bite her upper lip (remember never to bite the bottom, especially if one knows what is good for her) and put up with what ever is thrown at me, and let the chips fall where they may? i don’t think i can bite my tongue any more, as it will bleed sooner or later…. it has gotten me in enough trouble lately, even when i am not in my right mind. Does any one else remember having to go out and cut your switch for a punishment, and of course cutting the smallest one you could find. lmsao. Not realizing that the smallest one is the one that will hurt the most, and then finding out afterwards you made a rather huge mistake with your choice. Do i ever remember those days, and it certainly didn’t take me long to learn which size is better than the other. *wink wink* But then have i grown out of that, and am i just replacing that switch with something else in my life……….where is that rose cane again?
Though i do have some rather interesting looking sunflower stalks that might work just fine.

ooooooooooooooooo!!! “(Sweet Home Alabama) All Summer Long” is playing now. Sorry again. Groovin again, and remembering (though that might not be a good thing).

Now i know i am not the only one out there that has feelings or something similar going on ( or had ) with them. And i am sure i won’t be the last, as life tends to have many circles rotating around in many lives and in many ways. So there is bound to be something to arise, if not exactly, quite similar again. But i would love to know how may subs/slaves out that have actually grown the nerve to tell a Dom to phuk off, or even their own. Or is there a Dom out there that would allow that, or even thinks there are specific times that it is slightly warranted. Or am i just in my own lil fantasy world here, and should i just go back to my playground and duct tape my mouth and let it be? Maybe I should just say that is it, and run away from it all. i think i have set myself up for another switch, but i am cutting it for ‘Myself’ to use. Not sure how that will work, but i am sure ‘I’ will find a way. Hope i can go and build some sandcastles in my sandbox afterwards………anyone want to help? LM s AO.

Well i better get my lil butt in gear here. It has taken me a while to write this, and longer to decide to post this or not. i need to run through the sprinkler and get all soapy clean for the day, and off to a sleep over later at a gf’s.
i wonder if they will help me cut a switch…………or if i should just put on that duct tape and let it all be.

By the way….. that Domme lives in West Virginia. Ummmmm? Different Country i think, and a lil impossible i know.