Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What i desire and need in this next year as it goes by.....

Another year has gone down for me. As I have been sitting here thinking through the last few weeks wondering what it is that I am wanting out of life, and what it is I am needing…. there is a few things that are truly missing now. Not that I am unhappy with what I have, as I have found a place in my life to keep me grounded and on my way to a more improved situation for myself. Realizing that I can not be placatory to everyone around me, that I actually have to pay more attention to myself and what is happening in  my own lil world and how it actually affects me. It is not that I mind helping all those I care for, and then some. It is that I have put so much aside in my own life,  I have fallen behind in putting my health and life back together in the last few years. My shirt is going to have to stay on from time to time, and I am going to have to request a shirt be put on my bare back every now and again. Something that I find extremely impossible to do most days, let alone on a bad day when it is needed.

Though as I sit here now, writing this all out, I do comprehend to the fact that there are a few things still missing in my lil life that can and will make me content. That also includes that special person that makes me whole, and it can not be just anyone either. I am missing my beloved pooch, but he is irreplaceable. I have many close friends and people in my life that put many a smile on my face, and even having me laughing til my gut hurts. But it is at the end of the day when I am thinking of whom I have to say goodnight to, and whom I have to look forward to seeing at our next meeting…. the excitement that it all entails.


I, in my life at this time, am not seeking someone who wants to put welts on me everyday. Yes I am a masochist, but I also cherish my body. I am always still needing that endorphin rush, and always will. There are numerous ways to achieve this, not just by blackening my ass.

Over the last couple of months I have truly enjoyed the needle play that has been blessed upon me once again fully in my life. I do look forward to more. The signal tail will always be a part of me, as will a select few impact implements. I’ve realized how much I miss rope play and bondage, and just plain being Domed in all the right ways. Having someone have that control over me, and yes that someone does have to be able to control me.

Leading into that particular thought I did have a moment approximately a month back. Someone had just grabbed the back of my hair, and off I went. It certainly didn’t take much, and it took me back to where I always loved to be – erotocomatoselucidity. Under someone else’s control, space and out there. Within someone’s head and world, and them within mine.


I need having that girlfriend in my life. Not just the one that I can have that intimacy with, as yes that is something that is important to me. A lady that is the one who is my friend as well; someone I can hang with, and as well interact with. I just need that “girl time,” whether just a friend or a girl friend.


I am going to surround myself with a positive atmosphere. Negative people be ware, I am going to be spending less time with you. It’s not that I like you any less, I am trying to heal and get my body in a more preferable state is all. My health is going to become one of the number one things at the top of my list, and a few of the obstacles getting in part of the way is part negativity surrounding me. If something frustrates me, I am going to deal with it then walk away…. and go on with life from there. If there is a fare amount of drama coming from anywhere and it isn’t a play or television show, I’m hanging up and walking away.

For those friends out there that are ever so close to me you are always a part of me. I will accept you in my life no matter what, even in the rough times. That is what we are there for, no holds barred.


There are some wonderful men out there that make excellent Doms/Masters. I know this, as not only have I met them I have been with a couple of them. There will be the day when one will knock on my door, and hopefully Wwe both will be in the right time and space in our lives that just maybe a relationship is what Wwe both are seeking out. Not only will I accept this person with all their lil faults, but it will go both ways. There will be understanding on how Wwe live our lives, and how some times life can get away from us and Wwe get just a mite busy. I wouldn’t expect His hand to be at the back of my hair 24/7, as I do believe He wouldn’t presume that I could be at His feet all day long as well. Though for Him to have thought of me at least once a day is always a delightful introspect. It’s not that we lil ones think about our Doms “all” day long, but They certainly are on our minds for a good portion of it.


This might seem as if I am in a dreamscape. That just maybe I may never find the one who enjoys a fare amount of the pervs as I do, or at least let’s me explore a few of them as I would bend a few edges for them. I don’t assume that this is a tall order to ask of anyone out there, it is only a request and not a demand. I want to serve for some one, this is my true desire of all. And along side that I have a few kinks that make me tick, and I only have aspirations that some Master out there will be more than willing to allow me to do what I not only do best…. but desire.


So I sit here pondering my precepts wondering what all exactly I am wanting out of life…. especially for the what I have time for. I still am getting ready to finish re-certifying, and then going for the other big “ticket” when I am done my dissertation. That I am sure will take another couple of years, but I am fully prepared for that. I’ve actually stuck my head in a philosophy book to take a break from it, as nutrients and biology is running my life in more ways than I care at this point enough I need to take a step back from the pages and exams. I should actually pick up a joke book, it might give me a different perspective on things floating around me. lol. Though I did sit and read part of a truly good one of a friend of mine’s that had me in stitches the other day on bed time stories, Politically Correct Ones at that. Now that is something I recommend to anyone who needs to look at life from a different angle, and trust me it will put you there. I suggest all politicians should actually read it, it might get some of our world wide problems solved just a tad faster then what we are facing today down the scope of a rifle or on the ticker tape floor.


Tomorrow I think I am going to make confetti out of all my bills. The best solution I heard to anything, and if they want payment they have to put together the pages first. Puzzles, yes that is what everything should be for those big-wigs when they demand things form the lil guy. I might even try to make an oath of note to throw any more creamers for a whole year, but not sure what I would sweat upon…… BDsm 101? And since I dusted and did all my laundry today, and the dishes are all done, and I am not going to get into any other type of house work, I will not make my bed for a change when I wake in the morning just to be slightly rebellious and just to show the world that I know I am not perfect… thought I might have to be tied down to keep me from doing that last one. I am going to eat something different this week, as long as I can get in some suzzi. And I am going to go and listen to some blues on Thursday, that is my only request for that day. Tomorrow is so friggen busy I won’t know which end is up til approximately 4pm in the afternoon, and after that I will probably rest for the rest of the week and Rascals. I might even steal someone’s tub for a couple of hours, though I will probably ask them first…. I am so not that type of person. And when Sunday rolls around, I will breath. Do my best not to throw that creamer, and have as many laughs as I can. woo hoo.


To the next coming year!  OMG, life seems to slip between our fingers without us even knowing it. One day I will catch it, and tell it a story. Tell life what all I have done, and what I really want to do….. my bucket list.







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