Monday, January 11, 2010

Good bye 2009...... and all that loss.

It is only part way through the first month of this year 2010. So much happened last year, and certainly not all that great. Yes there were positives and greatness, including the wonderful people that were in my life. But as with that does come sadness, and yes it rained. Not just for me though, all too many that I know had a hard year as well. I am hoping and praying that this new years brings not only happiness and warmth, but love and so much more to make us happy and healthy.

I miss my brother. I am not in a good place with that, and not sure how to deal with it. Shitty accident, and all too soon for him to leave this place. It has only been a few months, but it still like it just happened. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way, and I know how hard it has been on so many to deal with. Family, friends, and riders alike.... so many I know have a heavy heart. I am thinking for me right now what makes it so much worse than it should be is the fact I couldn't make it up for his memorial, and I should have been there..... It was important that I was. I can't turn back time, and I don't think I would want to. But I can certainly say that I wish this was not so, and that I had gone for a visit sooner. :(
Out of the light of that someone did survive. My very good friend, for whom I will always have a special place in my heart for, did come out of this. Bent, broken, and very bruised... but he did. It takes a will to live to go through what he had, and more soul to keep going on. The gods saved him for a reason, and I am truly thankful for this. I know his daughter needed him, and so did his partner. This is a shining light on what was a grey cloud.

We have lost many other great and wonderful close friends and loved ones since then.... and before. Some closer than others, some I wish I had given them the thanks for all that they did for me... for the drive that they had influence on.
Catherine.... I thank you for you being you. You were a true loving person, with a heart and soul of gold. You made everyone feel like someone, and that smile radiated for miles. I loved working with you on events, and the small talks we had. I will miss those moments, though not forgotten. I know you watch over your loved ones, and are protecting them from all that you can. You were an angel here, and are one wonderful one now. Missing you.
That loving ex of mine...... well one of them, though this one no longer here with us. Shortly before Catherine, you left this plane. I will never forget all that we had together, all that was and might have been, and that bond that we had. Never are forgotten the great wonderful times spent just being together, spending time outside of everyone else around us. Never forgotten are those loving moments that were shared only between us, never forgotten the soft words that you spoke to me last. You were one of many that made an impact in my life, though of few men I allowed into my soul. Thank you  for understanding where I needed to be, and whom with. Thank you for knowing me.
I lost a few other friends that were close to me in my life.... and I had a few close friends lose loved ones out of theirs. Non of these are out of mind, non have been pushed aside, and always a large loving hug to those in need and more. That was 2009, and a hard year to process. This last year will not overshadow my true love gone 8 years now, and I still have a hard heart. But I am moving on in life, and had started to let love back in this past year. Thank you for the strength that you gave me, and the tenderness of not only your gaze on me but your touch.

Now I have many a love still here with this world. No I am no longer with them, but it does not lesson the feelings that I had or have for them. There was so much brought to me and put in my life in the way of caring and love in 2009, I didn't expect what became of the start of it..... and saddened by the end. When there is such loss, it makes it difficult to look what can become somewhere else. This not being the first loss for me, in any form, it never get easy no matter of the situation. I still care, and never will cease.

I didn't have too many projects on the go till now. The end of the year, with many an influence, brought on so much more in my life as to where I can go and what I can do. I look forward to what is ahead, as there is so much bright and light there.  So much can be done, and much will. But more others will benefit than I, unless you count what less of weight I will carry upon my head in a couple of months. :) It's thoughts like this that make me smile, and always drive to continue on. I love my life, I love living it, and I look forward to what is around the corner for me in 2010. It may not all be peaches and cream, but it is my life to live.

Welcome new year.... welcome. I am thankful for so much in my life, I wake every day thinking on this. I am thankful for all those who came into my life this past year, those who re-appeared, and yes even those losses. It was a life lesson to live, no matter. I am thankful for all this life gives me, as I have something to look to everyday......

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