Thursday, April 9, 2009

Where is the sanity, where is the pain releaf?

There are a ton of posts that i have done in Fetlife and haven't moved over to here, and probably will in the next couple of days...... just to make sure that they are here. i think it is a good idea, as it goes to the long story to what is going on now. Silly as they may sound, but tis true.

It is funny how life can deal us with our hurdles that we all have to leap over in order to get to that finish line in each race we have to enter. i certainly have had my fare share of them, and so far have made it over each of those hurdles. It is not like i haven't stumbled over a few of them, even on my face at least once, but i went for each one. But i have been dealt some pretty high ones in the last 8 years, and i think it's about time someone put a spring board in front of them to give me a helping hand..... especially after the news that was given to me a few weeks ago. i have put a smile on my face for the most part through all of this, but my face is to friggen sore and swollen today to even think of a full smile at this point.

The news was that my DDD has spread throughout my jaw and lower face from my left socket... and yes it is in my right socket as i had thought. This explains everything, including why my face hurts all the time and can't get my jaw open as much as i was even a year ago. Sorry guys, no 'Bluemoon Specials' for a while. i have found a brilliant dentist, who has been bending over backwards to help me out... and even in his spare time find a surgeon for me. For once in this whole time, someone actually agrees with me on getting this surgery. WOW. But of course now we know how bad things are, and it just isn't a socket and joint we are looking at. Not sure how i feel about complete lower facial reconstruction at this point, but i know it has to be done to some point. But what i have been going through lately just to sustain me until this all can get dealt with is almost killing me, and i am glad that it seems i am done for now. Having a hole drilled through teeth on both the top and bottom on the right side, then some kind of liquid injected into my jaw to help slow the process of the degeneration, and porcelain to fill it. Kind of like having posts or re bar placed through the teeth through to the jaw bone with an anchor, in the hopes to hopefully keep things in place. Not sure if this is all worth it though, as the pain and swelling is down right terrible. Nothing can describe this, and there is nothing to come close. And of course i am back to square one of not being able to open my jaw enough to get utensils in my mouth, or eat even semi hard foods.

Now i may be a massochist....... but this certainly is not the kind of pain i am wanting or needing. And to top it all off, i am getting anything to help balance this all out...... as a release per say (pain control). i am also thinking i might want to get some photos done, especially with my face in them, prior to any more work being done. Though i do think the next step(s) is the main surgery, and i am not sure what i am going to look like afterwards. i want to remember what i looked like before all this, or rather pre-surgery.... as my lower face and jaw line has changed already.

*one week later*

i think of all the places that i have gone to search for meaning and solice to calm my mind just hasn't worked. All i had to do is see all the discomfort and negativity in people's writing within our community, and it made me more sad than i was. It is almost that there is this whole needing of having to stick someone up on the firepole with the linch mob, just like in the witch trial days.... then if they can drag at least one person down and make them look truly bad, it makes those people look and feel better about themselves. But what i have read in the last couple of days is something that shouldn't even be up there, as these people are not getting the whole facts from the first posting (the original source). And when this happens, you can't even give them the rest of the facts, as they don't care any more. They have what they want to know by then, and that is that. i know all the info they need to know, i was there, they don't have all the truth of what that original post stated. If they knew all the facts of what was going on, then some of them would not post as they were. It may not mean that they would change their oppinion of a person, but maybe of this particular situation. What truly ticks me off about it all, a so-called reporter wrote this original post for the world to read. People get their thoughts from this, and there was only a focuss on one thing.... not about the whole picture of what is going on right now. Focuss on the negativity. Yet again. i was in those hearings, i know what was stated by all parties. This reporter did not go into any of it, and that i do not call reporting. So the person who posts this up in one of our lifestyle groups should have thought about what they were doing as well, if they had that so called intelligence they claim to have. Search out what you are posting to have truth about, not just something you suspect. It creates mobs, sides, and fears in people that not only shouldn't be there, but growth.

Now being a BDSm'r this disappoints me more than most of anything in my life. As most people are thinking that this one person that is fighting for his rights is setting presidence for everyone else, but he isn't. It is everyone that testified, everyone that has words to say there. And then anything that happens afterwards, including cases that are going to follow (as there is another human rights case soon to follow). i enjoy my life as a perv, and hope that eventually i will be back in full swing of things. Not sure when all that will happen, but i know i will. And when that happens, i certainly hope i am not placed at a stake and burned for words i may have said somewhere. i look forward to practicing my life as i have done so far, but in the hopes to do so more freely after all this. Not to have to worry about my job just because i like to be tied up and poked with needles for a rush, as if i was still running 5 miles a day or more. But then i icould be jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, and that is not considered insane nor a cult. i am a Pagan, not a cult. Cults are people who practice a religion or belief to a diety under one roof, which would put even christianity in that catagory. Gathering in a group to do so, and chanting or singing out to this diety. Hmmmmm. Since i am solitary, that would make me a non-cult.

i am a Pagan, and a kinkster. Many pagans are kinky, and vice versa. Would that make us all cult memebers? There is food for thought.

As i sit here thinking about whether or not i am going to go and pick up more icecream to sooth my mouth. i wonder what is next for me, and around that corner of life. i hope i can soon get that couple hundred needles in me soon, as long as my body will let me. That would be the purfect release if anyone asked me, and something worth striving for after these lil surgeries. Would do a body good!!!! Start getting back to my crafties, and sorting the rest of this house out. woohoo. Need to get the rest of furnature here, and in the very near future.... stuff from home town. OMG i need my stuff from home. *sigh* And garden, need to get to that yard out here and plot out the garden. This is going to take me forever at this rate. lmao.


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