Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Stressed, Not Completely Broken

I think this year is going to eventually come to an end. What a wild ride this past year and a half have been, and sadly a great portion not so wonderful. Though I can say I have met some most wonderful people in this whole process (and re-connected with others ~_~), and I can say I would not trade that part of this whole experience for anything. For me though who is usually a tough-as-nails bitch in most circumstances on the good days, hit my breaking point a couple weeks ago. I have been trudging through from May 5th till now, and I had my share of loss last year which included my bro. And of course for most of those who know me well, know that my mom passed 13 years ago. Suddenly after some interesting conversations with family down south here, and huge disappointments that went with that, the loss of what I consider the rest of me ( Both Dad and Grams) 4 months apart hit me like a 10 ton brick.

Funny how a person deals with grief really…. As everyone is different. I have been going back and forth getting all that needed to be done, well done. And yes, have had my share of cry sessions. Have even discussed with many people about keeping their life in order, no matter what it may look like (as you don’t want to leave a mess behind for anyone). I haven’t gone to many events, especially after gram’s passing. I have had a hard time being my cheery self, let alone project something other than mourning if someone asked how I was doing. It’s been hard; but as many who knew both me and dad, we were one in the same that way that and not wanting to let others know that is may not be all that great. Hence why his was such a surprise, not knowing that he was more ill than he was letting anyone know – including me. So as everyone keeps telling me this, and all sorts of other poo to go with it…. Not like I need to hear anymore….they are also putting me in a position that I don’t want to be in, and of course leaving me up to do everything for both dad and grams. There was to all this wonderful help out there from some of them, including helping getting to these lil towns that I need to get to in order to sign papers/collect belongings/plan a service or honoring. And that doesn’t include having to go into the house in the mountains in Washington that my 2nd cousin on grams side is now NOT taking me to, and dealing with both estates from what seems like another world with 60+ yr olds telling me that I should be getting all this help with everything….. but yet non step up in any form (not even the kids). I won’t go into what I am not getting help with due to not having re-new’d my citizenship prior to their passing, and this includes the VA. Oh but I am still a US citizen, in their eyes…. They are missing some paperwork for what is actually important in this incomparable situation. Not very comforting when it seems what was my life is now gone, and even my sister couldn’t give a breath of help but yet take take take and be so crude. I don’t have a sister in my mind, not that one any way.

So after I got left at my elder cousin’s (rather my grams cousin) again for 2 days beyond the say I agreed to for a second time. I listened to how I am this person in the family now, and how I have to take care of everything. Jessie (grams) was the great person, her namesake before her (her grams), and great great grandma Moet was this great person as well. Now it’s my turn, oh and when is Jessie’s service……. And of course you should have seen the faces when I suggested after the holidays due to the weather, and where her ashes are to be spread. But that doesn’t matter, not in their eyes. God forbid I don’t do this soon, I’m sure I am sinning somewhere in this for holding off. Going through pictures, looking back in time, missing sooooo much. And every dang lil town I go to here has memories, from as far back as I can remember. As well grams and gramps lived in many, and so many family members including dearly departed Uncle Joel. I’m shocked I actually made it back here without losing it, let alone saying my peace in a non ladylike way (no we don’t curse around Irene, you watch what you say around most of them, but especially Irene). I think I will throw the “F” bomb out during grams service, just as I shoot back some whiskey.

Greg finally drops me off here after that second rather stressful weekend…. And I break. My body said “that’s it,” and my brain shut down with the body. I told the lawyer to piss off, told the managers here to leave me alone in the best way I could (born again’s who would love nothing more than me to tear this place down and just walk away, and yes have said that to my face), and turned off the world. For the first time actually let this all soak in, and took time for me to grieve and attempt to bring me back. Came up with an enormous amount of questions, and a few answers to some. Thought about life as it is now, and wondered where do I go now that I have lost what was my whole world to me – dad. And knowing grams was old and heading to Summerland soon was no joy these past couple of years, but losing that strength when I needed it most no matter how limited it may have seemed. Of course after almost daily walks, several movies, and music you start to see signs and/or similarities in things. There are stories told, stories to be heard and seen sometimes just when we need them. Maybe not always that answer we are seeking, but something that gives that hot cocoa on a cold night when there is a chill.

I picked up the phone finally the other day and took the calls I needed to. Cried through every single one, but I did it. Turned on the computer and finally started to answer emails and read life online, realizing I am missing life…. Even just as it happens (though finding out that night or the day after), still that sobbing idiot. Wishing I hadn’t stopped all contact, but arguing with myself on how I needed that solace and still hadn’t gotten it. And yes even told my lawyer to piss off again today, and cried through it. But this whole time thought about how I can remember these two people that meant so much to me, and defined who I am today. Still looking at pictures, as I need to for all of this. When I started this journey I had told a wonderful friend that I was going to start a picture diary of this experience, of course this was before grams had passed. Looking through all of these pictures, some approximately 200 yrs old, it has turned into so much more than that. I am not just taking pictures of what is around me, and this beautiful landscape that makes up Oregon and Washington, but I am seeing so much more. I am seeing my history, or at least some of it, and somehow will find what is in me other than what I have just been living. There is more, something that tells my story, and hopefully will help me get back that happy spirit that I am missing right now. Those answers may not all be down here, they may not be back in BC nor where I was born, who knows where this will lead me. It may lie in my bucket list, or maybe in someone who has those answers I am seeking. I may be stressed out unraveled basket case right now, and who knows when the waters will ease. I am going to fight for what I can, give away whatever the fuck I feel like even if it is the friggen china, do whatever whenever I darn well feel like – even if it doesn’t suite your cantankerous 94 year old mood………and keep trudging on knowing that there are family members and friends of the family that are not doing so wonderful, but not have such a heavy heart about it….. tears and all and not forget those friends who I do consider “my family”, and those wonderful friends again…. At least not when I should grab a shoulder to lean on.

• And yes typing this out helped huge. It makes me look at life from the outside, even through the waterworks.

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