Saturday, January 17, 2009

Hmmmmm, Should i, or should it just be.

On Monday this past week i was fully prepared to come home after my day and completely barf in my blog(s). i had one of those days that just got to me, everything that has been going on in my life for the last 7 years has just piled on way too much by that day. Thinking just when i was having a great time so far this year, needle play and all.... then the hammer hit. Though there was a 10% positive in it, it was still overshadowed. i thought to myself i would let the week go by and see how i feel from here. So i have, and i think i am still going to ponder on all of this yet. i have read a few blogs on some wonderful friends of mine, and how they chat openly of how what may be happening in their lives health wise can be affecting them and those around them. It is a good read yes, and sometimes extremely positive in its own rite. But then there are those times i just want to hug that person and cry, as i can feel that pain and the healer in me just wants to make all that disapear. With all this thinking going on in my lil head, it makes me wonder if i should spill how i feel and what all is going on with me. Maybe some people would understand what is going on, why i am not always "out" there, why i may not feel all that well all the time, why i am not always my happy-go-lucky self as much these days, and maybe just so tired all the darn time. Would it solve how people react around me, or would it make things worse off. Would it stop all the questions, or would they ask more. Or would there be pitty, something i really do not want. Just understanding...... and maybe that surgery that i have needed for so long that has helped with all those other complications that make my life wonderful.

Now don't get me wrong.... i love my life. i love who i am, and who i have become over the years. And i am truly loving who am becoming, and i look forward to that wonderful road ahead.... i actually can't wait to see where i am going from here - health aside from it all. As all that poo is a moot point in most of my living being really, i can look beyond most of it and just be me. It is just those days that i have a bad day now and then, and just don't feel like being me. lol. Funny though, as i am typing this i am smiling. It is ironic all that i have learned over these past 7 years, and what i will learn. All of this i can pass on to someone else, and maybe hopefully more than just one. As with my life i can take what i am going through and turn it into a kinky life, and also how to live with it in that kinky life... how to deal with certain situations and just maybe how to get past some situations. And if not, how to cry through it all and then get up and put a smile on that face and move on to the next day.
i am one of those people that dances like no one is watching. Live life like this may be your last day. And by all means.... look at your friends around you, as those are your family as well... not just blood. Treat everyone as you want to be treated, it all comes back on you.... even those lil creatures in the trees.

So after a few days of frustrating times with bad corks doing wine..... i am now going to take a long breath, then a hot shower. Eat some icecream... not only for comfort, but to keep the face down from swelling as i do have a migraine now. grrr. But i am still smiling, as i am alive and have many friends that i can call my family. Then i am going to meditate off to sleep into my dream land, to which most people could not even fathom.i look forward to tomorrow. Sushi dinner with people i adore and love, and discuss some wonderful things to come. And just maybe, it will be just as sunny as it was today around my house. Oh yes.... hug my poor lil roomy that has a migraine as well... poor thing. She looks so cute in pink jammies. shhh i didn't say that out loud.
Nite all.BB

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