Sunday, September 20, 2009
When did Stella get her groove back?
Wondering what I'm doing some days with this life. Sometimes there are days that I turn and look within myself and wonder what I'm doing, as when a certain someone has said or done a specific thing I start to think. It makes me ponder what all is going on around me, not just what is transpiring from my own self.
I've learned a wee information about my body that I am sure I didn't want to know but needed to. S of course this makes me ponder what I'm doing. And I'm doing the right thing. Should I be taking someone down my road with me, and is it fare to them. Even though they know the consequences and still choose to be with me, and know exactly what I am going to possibly going through (not counting already what is going on). But then I wonder is it right, and should I make that decision for them instead. Of course due to some rather redundant people's actions a bit back, it has changed my life quite a bit. I am not exactly where I would like to be, and it also has made ways I feel worse. So i leaves a good portion of my kink feelings on the road side, even though I am fighting to stay on course. Being too tired to be me, well that is a travesty. But I shouldn't take others with me on the downward spiral, I don't care if they agree to or not.
And I won't forget the email I received the other day from my brilliant dentist asking me to make an appointment to coming for a cleaning and chk up, to which just makes my face hurt with the thought. Though of course I should go asap to find out if there is any news on a possible surgeon found, even if that is only 20% of the problem.... what I would do to chew through food without wondering if I'm going to lose my jaw that time or not. But of course it still leaves everything else not being dealt with, that being a big problem as well. I'm getting just a wee bit miffed at this system, and a few docs here. Daily pain and the feeling of wanting to toss the cookies out the car window are a great feeling, ok that was not true.
I see so much around going on. Not only do I see many people having a wonderful life and all things great and small just buzzing along as if there wasn't a care in the world, but I also see the suffering that goes on as well when there is nothing but a crumb in from of them to share with 10 people.... and no shelter to think of.
"Mom's Day" went by yesterday and I didn't even get to go say hello as I usually do. That sucked. Not only was I stuck still trying to fix things in data entry, and get more entry done..... But by the time that all that was taken away from me (think I'm out of a job now due to all the problems of program, and roomie fucking up and me losing all the data, great), it was pouring out and in no weather shape to go to Jeriko Beach to say hello ma. Not sure why it seems this day gets harder ever year, but it does. Every other day seems to get a lil easier (except today as I feel like shit, and I'm missing ma), but Ma's Day gets harder every time. And this year I think is worse not only cause I didn't get to go as I have for 13 years now, but because I am so in not my great state I could really use that hug from her that always made me feel better - no matter what was ahead of me, it made me feel better.
When pup came by yesterday to grab my laptop from me I'm sure I was looking like I was in a sad state of affairs. Though it doesn't resinate with him what was going on with me, just that I was having a bad day. I'm sure he just thought I wasn't feeling well, and wanted to console me on that. Sweet, really, and thankful for it, but just doesn't fill the hole. Anyone who has known me for at least 6 years knows that this day is not great, but I still like to go and spend time with the water, and then go have a toasty. I think it gets harder to explain to new people in my life, or people that might not quite understand. If only it was easy to explain it all, especially they way.
So when did Stella get her groove back? I don't plan on waiting til I get out of this flare, that is for sure. I would like to have at least part of my life back soon, if not now. Not to call myself a puma or anything along that line, but I have a young guy I should be dancing in the streets right now..... but alas he is not even in my bed right now..... Still wondering where he is right now as well. If he has my laptop to do work, then the lil shit should be at home doing it. No? Or at least letting me know of his where a bouts so I am not sitting here going what the frig, and then wondering if I am making the right choices.
Do I have to go to some tropical get away to get my groove back? I would love to, if someone could send me. Pls, no objections here if someone wants to whisk me away....... anyone. I would settle for a spa retreat 50kms away right now, even in the burbs and a massage. lol. Not the exotic kind either, a real one. Must get away I think for a few days, maybe that will help me out. Look for my groove........ doesn't seem to be here, and it isn't in my closet. Not coming out of there again, though I could go back in again, maybe......