Sunday, September 7, 2008

Just when one thought it was safe to be online and chatting…….

All i wanted to do was chat. Nothing more, nothing less. Friendship is all i ever asked for, if anyone wanted to chat with me…. or be on my friends list of late. Though thinking i had made it perfectly clear, now i am thinking that surely i must have missed something somewhere in the fine print. As it obviously isn’t clear enough to some Doms out there, more so of the males (sorry) than the Fems, that just don’t respect that line that one places in front of the boundary section of my space and circles. Should i have put it in Red, or should i just stop talking to people all together and tell Them all to phuk off all together. Maybe that can be the Appetizer to my profiles from now on, and that will give people an idea of how i feel about people hitting on me…. and yes i did even open up an email in an online community today to find one from even a rather young 21 year old Domme seeking a 24/7 bi femme, not sure why she was barking up my post. Especially if she actually read my profile at any point; not looking for a Dom (of any kind), and she isn’t even close to my age let alone within the age range that i would be seeking for a partner in. Makes me wonder how many people actually passed English………

Now Yyou might be wondering why i am on a ramble on all of this. After i woke this morning at 7:30 am (yes on a Sunday), and still couldn’t get back into the mood i was in yesterday early evening, it got to thinking about certain happenings. i had such a wonderful time gardening yesterday afternoon into the evening, that it put a wonderful relaxing smile on my face. Even though it was mostly pulling weeds and getting ready for the fall, i did cut quite a lot of lavender for braids and my Echinacea is looking perfect hanging out to dry. Afterwards noticing how i wasn’t shaking as much (or rather at all) as i had been for the last couple of months, and feeling truly relaxed as i hadn’t been in a while. Serendipity, a perfect state to be in these days. Then i come in and finish my laundry, other things i was doing, cut up another pineapple (never can eat too much pineapple), eat dinner, and just ‘be’. And after all of that, i decided to turn on the puter for a change as i haven’t for a while for more than a few seconds. i had received a message on IM from a Dom friend of mine back east saying “Excellent,” answering a question i had asked days prior. No big deal, right?

Being the courteous one that i am i answered back. And of course He was online, and Wwe started to chat. Nothing new, and nothing i was too worried about…. as Wwe are friends. Just as the conversation is going, well to my dismay, He starts to pull the Dom part on me. And of course He takes it too far, even after i stated my abhorrent feelings toward this. i have discussed this with Him before in an email, stating that i am not wanting this from Him at any time. He agreed to this, and i have it in print that He would just be friends with me. Where did i read that wrong, or am i just not reading between the lines myself? With Him stating that it will be easy to re-program me, even with Him being so far away. This after i stated that i am needing someone within my area, and someone that can touch me. And to top it all off, He kept on attempting to Top me as if i was His – stating that He is not my Dom! All this accomplished was making me cry, and making me shake in fear from myself. But not just from myself………… from what got me here in the first place, and why i feel like i do. Now I am not going to throw some code of ethics book at this guy, as that would be a moot point now. Not only has He crossed a line, but He has gone against everything that was promised. Wow, where have i seen and heard and felt this before. Makes one truly trustworthy of Tops in general again, and makes one want to go running in the arms and on the whipping post of another. Pick me! Pick me!
There is quite a bit more that goes with this lil conversation though i am not going to get into it. It might be of importance, but i think it is left better unsaid at this point. What does get my nerve is that after i had such a wonderful day yesterday i not only went to bed in a rather contrite mood, for what reason i do not know. Then waking up this early morning with a sense of deep sorrow, knowing i don’t have someone that i know i need to lean on that i can trust in a fashion ‘above’ me. But i also realized why i went to bed with the feelings as i did, and that is not so wonderful a thing. my deepest apologies to all those potential Doms out there, i did not have great thoughts of being Dommed last night…….But this morning was a different thought, which to many regrets of last nights thoughts, brought me to my proverbial knees. Though i still do not strive to be Dommed, i am not thinking towards the same thoughts as i was.

This makes one wonder how many others out there just want to wind up and tell some Dom out there to phuk right off for some certain reason. And i am not speaking in a disrespectful way, in a way that is warranted. i can just see it now all those lil subbies out there with their lil mouths almost getting duct taped for saying what they might truly be thinking, and then feeling remorseful for what might have escaped them. Some times it must be said i am thinking now, as there are just these times that a select group of people/Doms that need to be told something. They over step a line, They go against something that is agreed, They play in your sandbox after you have already said there is already too many people in there….. and there just isn’t enough toys to go around.
But does this mean due to what ‘we’ are that we are forced to yell what we feel into a pillow. Just so it isn’t heard beyond our lips, or even worse heard by our Tops or other Tops. There are times that we are apparently aloud to have a say in some things, even a bit of a mind. hahahahahahahaha. Sorry. Excuse me while I crawl back into the invisible cage of mine (that no one will ever see me in, just in case any of You Doms out there get a brilliant idea of this), and re-think what i just pointed out.

oooooooooooooooo . Rhianna’s ‘Disturbia’ Song is on. Just have to stop and listen to that, and watch that oh so nummy video. i would luv to know who talked her into going to a SM club to get the way this goes, as i can not see her getting all tied up as she did without any knowledge.
i understand what the song is saying…….

So back to being a slave/sub who wants to tell a bunch of Doms out there to phuk right off………… Yes, that is not a good thing, and would get me into a bit of trouble. More than i think i would like to find out with certain people, but i look forward to the reaction of Others.
Does this make me a bad sub? Does this make me a brat? Or does this just make me human? Should i be punished for a feeling? Especially when it comes from a place of hurt and wanting to run. Or should one just bite her upper lip (remember never to bite the bottom, especially if one knows what is good for her) and put up with what ever is thrown at me, and let the chips fall where they may? i don’t think i can bite my tongue any more, as it will bleed sooner or later…. it has gotten me in enough trouble lately, even when i am not in my right mind. Does any one else remember having to go out and cut your switch for a punishment, and of course cutting the smallest one you could find. lmsao. Not realizing that the smallest one is the one that will hurt the most, and then finding out afterwards you made a rather huge mistake with your choice. Do i ever remember those days, and it certainly didn’t take me long to learn which size is better than the other. *wink wink* But then have i grown out of that, and am i just replacing that switch with something else in my life……….where is that rose cane again?
Though i do have some rather interesting looking sunflower stalks that might work just fine.

ooooooooooooooooo!!! “(Sweet Home Alabama) All Summer Long” is playing now. Sorry again. Groovin again, and remembering (though that might not be a good thing).

Now i know i am not the only one out there that has feelings or something similar going on ( or had ) with them. And i am sure i won’t be the last, as life tends to have many circles rotating around in many lives and in many ways. So there is bound to be something to arise, if not exactly, quite similar again. But i would love to know how may subs/slaves out that have actually grown the nerve to tell a Dom to phuk off, or even their own. Or is there a Dom out there that would allow that, or even thinks there are specific times that it is slightly warranted. Or am i just in my own lil fantasy world here, and should i just go back to my playground and duct tape my mouth and let it be? Maybe I should just say that is it, and run away from it all. i think i have set myself up for another switch, but i am cutting it for ‘Myself’ to use. Not sure how that will work, but i am sure ‘I’ will find a way. Hope i can go and build some sandcastles in my sandbox afterwards………anyone want to help? LM s AO.

Well i better get my lil butt in gear here. It has taken me a while to write this, and longer to decide to post this or not. i need to run through the sprinkler and get all soapy clean for the day, and off to a sleep over later at a gf’s.
i wonder if they will help me cut a switch…………or if i should just put on that duct tape and let it all be.

By the way….. that Domme lives in West Virginia. Ummmmm? Different Country i think, and a lil impossible i know.

1 comment:

Lil D said...

Just to put a point across.....
As this day has gone by and i have been putterin around and getting ready doing my thing, i find myself finally sitting here just taking a quick breath. Sadly, my body is back to where it was just over a month ago. Not good.
Gives me thought to all those Doms out there who tend to play with whomever without realizing what You are doing when You let them alone after You turn Your comp off. And that was not even playing, it was messing with my head.