Sunday, September 21, 2008

Where does the time go, where do i go from here......

Where does it all go... and where do i turn next from this hiatal.

11 years and 3 days have gone by now. Some times it feels like it was just last year, and then it feels like it was so many years ago. Mom's day was on Thursday, and it went by faster than it has in any year prior. i did manage to spend that day with a good friend, which picked up my spirits and put a smile on my face. It definately was a good day to 'be', and i wouldn't have picked another place to be at that time. Though usually i spend it with those few woman friends of mine down at the ocean's edge, flowers in hand, sending out a loving hello to our dearly departeds of that horrendous decease. Then as always, stopping by a tap house and toasting to not only their lives, but our own. Celebrate my mom had said, keep on living for not only me but "yourself". Wise words spoken by a woman who learned to live to late, in an eruditely way that made even myself smile in a hard time. As i sit here trying to forgive those times that i should have sat down with her more often, listened to what she had to say just a tad more, and not run every time we clashed. But wishing in a longing way that i could have shared my life with her, praying that she wouldn't judge who i am and what i may do in life. Wwe all live and learn, some times just a lil late in life.

Of course after i ponder all of this that is weighing on my lil heart...... it makes me think of what is here and now. The last month and a half have not been the best of times, and certainly not something i would want to repeat or wish on anyone. Yes i have had a beautiful time with a few great loving friends, and this has replaced for the most part so dark light in my lil world. But i do realise that i am not going to get out of this shadow any time soon, no matter how adamant i can be.... and i can be fairly stuborn if given half a chance. Today proved my point quite clearly, and even took me back a few steps from where i had actually taken myself to. All it took was a simple lil phrase, even though it was followed by a jokingly undertone, it did it's damage. Now i realise that i can't be within certain situations that could have a effect on myself, and avoiding all that i have has been good idea thus far.

After a few hours of my eyeliner slipping away i sit here in preceptual space. Many a thought has gone through my head, and i am unsure of which one to listen to. i have lost faith in a certain set of 'Things', and not completely sure if i will ever gain that trust back. There have been too many times of being spaded, and now just being left to drown in a off sence has me not wanting anymore. i can't shake this odd and weird feeling that is flowing through my body, and now having gone back in time what is there to gain. As i have sat here staring at my dress kollar in all it's beauty, wondering if ever i will want this or any around my neck again. i peer over to a collection of canes and implements standing up in full glory, do i ever want those to ever kiss me again. Looking up at all the perfectly pervy products laying around this room and hanging on the walls, wondering if ever these will make me tingle just one more time.... instead of producing fear and tear. Will time tell, will being with another mend, will changing who i am be the answer. Makes one think just a tad too much, especially when i should have my face in a manual studying.

i hope the Munch and Brunch to come up put a spring back in my step. i could use the laughter, and definately the comradery. And just hope that there are no words or phrases that put me back in step and time, and all should be just wonderful. And if i all if good (will not use that good *** phrase), i might be able to spend some time with that most blessed friend some time later in the week as well. Get in some cuddles, maybe some sushi, saki and a movie. Now that puts a smile on this lil face, wonders never cease.

Get to the pool tomorrow!!!! i have been so bloomin busy these last couple of weeks, that i have not had the time for a dip. Meditation in a couple hundred lengths is a good way to get rid of stress, and not drown if lucky. Maybe by the time i crawl out of the water i will have everything in perspective, and not feel so negative about certain ways and objects as i do now. As for a certain people, that is different.... not sure where to go there or how to deal with that feeling as of yet. Time, time will tell. They know that.

Shower time..... and hopefully a full nights sleep, and not waking at 6 am.

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